DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a woman in her 50s who never married. I've begun dating again after a long hiatus, and usually a man will ask me on the first or second date, "So how come you never married?"

I understand their curiosity, and at our age there's no time to waste, so perhaps they want to get right to the point. But I'm flummoxed when this question comes up with men I hardly know.

I realize that if a relationship develops I would need to explain my past, but I'm uncomfortable doing it so soon. The answer is complicated and might not put me in a flattering light. How can I answer these men without either giving them an embarrassing emotional answer or being rude?

GENTLE READER: What makes you think you have to answer questions, especially when it is ever so much more flattering to ask them?

Miss Manners presumes that you are not dating other people's husbands. So these also-unattached gentlemen may be asked (after you demure that you don't really know in your own case), "How come you never married?" or, in the case of the divorced or widowed, "How come you never remarried?"

If there is anyone whom you happened to meet on his way back from divorce court, it could be, "Do you remember why you married?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a group of divorced or widowed women in our early 60s who belong to a number of singles clubs. We often give open potluck suppers.

There is one man, never married, in his early 70s, who always attends. The problem is he brings almost inedible food. For example, once he brought a "salad" that was cut-up iceberg lettuce with three sliced tomatoes on top.

I tried to suggest precooked, inexpensive food for him to bring, but it's hopeless. After the event is over, he takes home as much food as possible, declaring that he rarely gets homemade food. On holidays, we get, one by one, calls in which he invites himself to our family dinners.

We are running out of patience. In general, he's a nice person, but sad to say, a classic moocher. We've tried gently to make him understand, but he gets upset. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Give up on trying to make a cook out of him. Or even a carry-out food shopper. It is not going to work.

But you find redeeming qualities in him, and you might also find that he has redeeming skills. Can he fix things? Do errands? Offer any sort of professional advice? Clean up after the suppers? Drive people to and from the meetings?

Miss Manners understands that the time in which domestic work was assigned by gender is past. But so is the time right afterward, when both genders were supposed to take turns doing all the exact same tasks.

Sensible people have, Miss Manners hopes, come around to realizing that everyone is happier if allowed to contribute what he or she does best.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I consider myself to be a great lover of music, I have uncertainties about contemporary concert etiquette. I am lucky enough to have generous friends, more sophisticated in their dress, conversation and attitudes than I, who sometimes remember me when a member of their circle is unable to keep a concert date.

There were four of us in the group that went to hear Madame X, an operatic soprano virtually universally admired for her extraordinary talent. As expected, she gave a wondrous performance that elicited, from an astonishingly enthusiastic audience, more than the expected applause. They were standing, stomping and bellowing, which may well have been heard on the street outside the concert hall above the noise of the traffic.

My three companions each had a different take on this, as indeed their behavior indicated. One, who had been sitting rather stiffly and clapping rather distractedly (but who could really tell in the din?), sniffed that a true gentleman would not behave that way in such a setting. My other two companions argued persuasively that in the culture that produced the music we had just enjoyed, such heartfelt, physical expressions of approval were both normal and expected. The two of them were unanimous in pronouncing the first to be a cold-hearted, transalpine snob incapable of feeling, much less expressing, true emotion; and they suggested that in the future he remain at home except for lieder recitals.

But that was the only way the two bellowers agreed. One, who is usually my guide in these matters, had surprised me by bellowing "bravo" again and again. He gave voice to my concern: Madame X, as anyone could see, was very obviously a woman, and wasn't the appropriate bellow therefore "brava"? He began to castigate the other, calling him a philistine and a particularly uncouth and noisy one at that.

When he finally ended his tirade, the other calmly announced that since the word soprano is masculine in gender, the appropriate modifier should also be masculine in gender: thus the proper bellow is "bravo."

Other than resorting to "yippee" or "wahoo" or similar folksy expressions that have the advantage of being nondeclinable, what is one to do if one wants to be a part of the smart bellowing set?

GENTLE READER: Follow the universal tradition of lovers of the human voice, which is to enter into volatile arguments during the intermission and after the performance, usually about the quality of the singers, but nearly always about the behavior of the audience.

Thus, Miss Manners recognizes both the noisy element and the aloof one. She prefers either one to those who jump to their feet regardless of the quality of the singing, but simply because they think that is always expected of them.

Unfortunately for one of your companions, however, she studies Italian. "Soprano" can take either the masculine or the feminine article, depending on the gender of the singer (and yes, sopranos do come in both genders.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend, age 40, recently lost her brother, age 38, in a tragic and violent crime. Her brother lived in a different state, and most of our group had never met him.

Another friend has suggested that in lieu of sending flowers to the funeral, our group of friends should send money to our friend and her husband, ostensibly for their travel expenses, lost wages, etc. I have some misgivings about the propriety of this. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Listen to your misgivings, Miss Manners urges. The bereaved deserve personal expressions of sympathy from their friends, not payment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The prevailing custom in elementary school these days seems to be that a child must -- must -- bring a Valentine's Day card for each and every other student in her classroom (plus the teacher).

This seems to me to be a debasement of the whole purpose of a Valentine, which is to show how much you admire someone else. Granted, there are hurt feelings when a Valentine is not received as expected, especially if one was delivered, but is a valueless mass delivery any improvement on that?

I am considering boycotting the entire ceremony for my little girls (both in kindergarten this year) in the hopes of getting teachers and other parents to consider just what has become of this holiday. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Chiefly this one: Do not, repeat not, cast your little girls in the role of Valentine's Day spoilers. You would soon be sympathizing with those who can't bear to see children being left out.

Adults make their own points themselves, and the proper place to make yours is at a parent-teacher meeting, where other voices can be heard. Miss Manners believes you might have a better chance if you suggest that the individual admiration cards be in addition to general ones. That way, the children who receive many can still run around asking the others how many they got.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 20-year-old college student who has been lucky enough to find a wonderful man. We will be married next summer, but my mother has already started on the guest list.

Because she and my father are graciously paying for the wedding, I don't mind that the majority of the list are friends of hers. I have objected to her wanting to invite some church friends that both my fiance and I have never even met and don't have much desire to meet, but she insists that it would be rude to leave them out.

All I can think about is how awkward the receiving line will be when my fiance and I will both be saying nice to meet you. I want a wedding that will be on a smaller, more intimate level so I don't think that I'm wrong in this. Would you please help us?

GENTLE READER: Not if it involves telling your mother that you have no desire to meet people she feels ought to be there.

Miss Manners suspects that you may have been over-exposed to the commercial wedding literature that declares that it is "your day" and "all about you," before it lures you into debt.

Many aspects of marriage are all about you two, but the wedding is a two-family event.

And don't worry about meeting new people in the receiving line. Unless you have already been introduced to every one of your bridegroom's cousins and his parents' friends, you will be meeting many people for the first time. Since they will all be telling you how beautiful you look, it should be a pleasant experience.

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