DEAR MISS MANNERS: We discovered early this year that a former co-worker had been involved in an affair with a married man whose wife had just given birth (and by just, I mean in the hours immediately before one of their dalliances). This affair continued for several months, and on more than one occasion the co-worker lied about her business-travel plans in order to spend time with this man, leaving her team members in the lurch.

The affair is now common knowledge, and the co-worker has moved on to a position with another company. Recently, she returned for an office visit, and a couple of us decided to put forward a front so cold it would rival winter in the Yukon. We wanted her to realize that we are not only aware of her indiscretions, but we absolutely do not approve.

Others in the office have chastised us because they don't feel she has committed an offense since she did not sleep with their husbands. Those of us on the chilly side feel her behavior was a sign of a significant lack of character.

Miss Manners, should we just overlook her behavior, as we were not personally affected?

GENTLE READER: If people never expressed social disapproval except in cases in which they were personally involved, society would be in a bad way. And when they do, it is often in a worse way.

That is to say that social standards are maintained by a show of disapproval when violated. If there is no apparent public interest in how badly people behave, behavior in general keeps getting worse. And yet a great deal of cruelty and, indeed, outright injustice has been directed at individuals under this mandate.

That is likely why your colleagues shy away from registering disapproval. However, this does appear to Miss Manners to be a sound case. Proving affairs is dicey, even when everybody seems to know, because there are seldom eyewitnesses. But you know of her cheating on the job, and that does constitute an offense against those of you who had to fill in for her. It is also an offense against the standards of the office. A warm welcome would indeed suggest otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My next-door neighbor sent an e-mail to ask me to keep an eye on their home while they were on vacation. She also told me that X, who works at the same school as her husband and lives farther away than I do in the same subdivision, has the key to their house. She provided me with X's phone number just in case. "Thanks a lot, blah blah blah..." By the way, there are no pets to feed and no plants to water in my neighbors' home.

What do you make of this? What would you do?

GENTLE READER: Wish the neighbor a happy vacation. Watch the neighbor's house while she is away. Welcome the neighbor home when she returns.

What puzzles Miss Manners is why you have any question about the right thing to do. Perhaps the request would be better made in person, but you are not being asked to inconvenience yourself by any specific form of caretaking. Miss Manners begs you to understand that this is a basic courtesy that neighbors owe one another.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted one of those home shopping parties for a group of friends, and needless to say, I had a very good turnout. However, one thing I noticed was that a close relative of mine didn't purchase anything.

Now, I know that you shouldn't have to feel obligated to buy anything at these functions; however, I have attended several home parties for her in the past, and I felt that it was not courteous not to support your host.

Later on, a few of my girlfriends and I had a separate discussion on if you should have to buy something from these types of parties. One girlfriend's response was that no, you shouldn't, while the other friend's reply was that you should buy at least something since the host is supplying food and drinks.

With these two quite different responses, I have become confused on how I should handle the situation with my relative that didn't buy anything. Should I be annoyed and therefore not go to any of her forthcoming parties?

What do you think would be the correct courtesy going forward at these types of parties? We all know that they have the "gang" mentality pressured into them.

GENTLE READER: And your complaint is that the gang mentality didn't kick in to make your relative feel obligated to buy something she didn't want?

Miss Manners asks you to bear in mind that when you give such a gathering, you should be acting as a saleswoman who incidentally serves refreshments, not a social hostess who incidentally embarrasses her guests into spending money they would not otherwise spend. A respectable salesperson presents and touts the opportunity to buy but does not bludgeon potential customers into paying for things they do not want.

A reason not to invite this relative to a shopping party would be that she is not interested in the kind of merchandise you are selling. For the same reason, and not to punish her, you needn't attend hers.

But what exactly would be the point of your selling unwanted things to each other? Who would profit besides the companies you represent? Wouldn't you both come out just as far ahead, and not have your houses full of unwanted clutter, if you saw each other over a (freely offered) cup of tea?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom wear the same color dress?

My daughter has blue beading in her dress, and her future mother-in-law has informed her that she will be wearing blue, since my daughter has blue in her dress.

Shouldn't the mother of the bride have the first choice?

GENTLE READER: She does: That is, she has first choice about what she wants to wear, and the other lady has first choice about what she wants to wear.

Of course, Miss Manners is presuming that both mothers are old enough to know that a wedding is neither a costume party nor a competition and can be trusted to wear dresses suitable to the occasion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it now considered "pretentious," as my 12-year-old son suspects, to respond to a formal party invitation with the traditional wording, "_____ accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of _____ to ______ ?

I have always insisted on this sort of response, but now I suddenly find myself in doubt! I have been raising four boys for lo these many 25 years. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but I must not be swayed by the temptation to abandon my duties too soon.

GENTLE READER: Hang in there. This is no time to start taking etiquette lessons from a 12-year-old.

It would be pretentious to write a formal, third-person response to an e-mailed invitation to a beer fest or a telephoned offer to meet for dinner. The rule is (and will continue to be, Miss Manners assures you) to respond to an invitation in kind, using the degree of formality in which the invitation was conveyed. So yes, a formal invitation requesting the pleasure of one's company should be answered formally, just as you have written.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of mine, who is overweight, tends to go on about her "healthy" eating habits and lifestyle. I have learned to deal with all of that when clearly I can see it is not working. I only offer advice if asked, and encourage her healthier habits.

My problem is that when we dine at restaurants, she orders something small and healthy and I order what I want -- that's why I went to a restaurant in the first place, right? More times than not she'll ask for a bite of my dish, which I don't want to give her! Usually she will ask for a bite of something that my dish doesn't have a lot of, like shrimp, and when there are only five pieces to begin with, I'm sorry, but I'd like to enjoy my complete, expensive, delicious, maybe unhealthy meal by myself. I've even taken to ordering meals extremely spicy to keep her from asking for a taste, but she still asks. Is there a polite way to tell her to eat her salad with no dressing and leave me to enjoy my five-shrimp linguine in peace?

GENTLE READER: You might try breaking it to her that food taken from someone else's plate contains just as many calories as food on one's own plate.

No, that wouldn't work. It is too thoroughly believed that purloined food doesn't count.

However, Miss Manners is guessing that your friend is also familiar with the Clean Plate Club. It would not be rude of you to say, "I was planning to eat it all, but we could order you some, if you like." If this leads her astray, you can always make up for it by asking to start in on her plate after you finish yours.

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