Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am new to the symphony scene, but love it. I have tickets to a Christmas theme coming up, so I am at a loss as to when to stand for the Handel's Messiah piece. At the beginning, during the middle?

I do not wish to be the first to stand. However, a friend of mine has noticed a few young patrons who do not seem to know the reason or why people stand for the lovely piece. They look bewildered, and a few remain sitting. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Compared to, say hockey fans, fans of classical music have few bonding rituals. They can glare at anyone who coughs, and they can look askance at anyone who claps between the movements, but that's about it.

So it is little wonder that they look forward to Christmas, when they can stand at the proper time and bewilder others. The proper time is during the Hallelujah chorus only, not the whole piece.

As for why, good luck. The cognoscenti will be quick to point out that naturally, it is because George II did so at the first performance, in 1743. But if you ask them why he stood, they will start squabbling among themselves: It was because the music moved him so much. It was because he had gout. It was because he thought it was half time. It was because the King of Kings outranked him. It was because he thought the Messiah was finally over and he could leave.

Whatever. If you really want to bewilder those people, ask why we should stand just because George II did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, I received a "save the date" announcement for a birthday party for my child's friend, who will turn 3. We replied that we would happily make the date free to join them, not knowing what the specifics of the invitation would be.

A week ago, I received the official invitation, and it turned out to be for a theater show. My child, also 3 years old, is very active and cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes, at best. Even an active, gymnastics-style class challenges his attention span if it goes for more than 45 minutes. This theater performance is scheduled to last 90 minutes; there is no way my child can keep up good behavior for this long. If we go, I fear my child would be very disruptive -- not just for the party invitees, but also the other theater patrons.

Is it OK to decline the invitation after saying we would "save the date"? I'm feeling really bad about canceling and would feel bad (if not worse) for going. The only thing I can think to do is to politely decline and offer to pay his ticket cost.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners is to approve that relatively new social form called "save the date," people have to understand what it is and is not.

It is not an invitation. It is merely advance notice that an invitation will be sent -- in case the targeted guests want to clear their schedules or they need lots of time to think of an excuse. The host is obligated to invite you when the time comes, and may be glad to get a preliminary estimate of the guests who will attend, but cannot expect a commitment. You need not have answered the invitation at the time, and you should now express extreme regrets that you cannot attend, after all.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Very often, when making a purchase with our credit card, we are asked by the sales associate to show a picture ID. This is something we find highly offensive, as it is basically a request to prove that we are not attempting to use a stolen card.

When we complain to the clerk (or the manager, who usually gets involved) that the request is offensive, we are invariably told that it is for our own protection. Most of the time, they just don't seem to understand how it is offensive. Is there anything that can be said to let them know that I really don't like being treated like a criminal when I'm trying to enhance their profit margin? I feel like I'm being rude to the clerks when I complain. I know it's not usually their fault (company policy), but that doesn't lessen the affront.

GENTLE READER: Here is how to lessen your feeling of offense:

Leave your credit card lying around some place where there are likely to be disreputable strangers. Then examine your next credit card bill. After that, Miss Manners suggests that you might want to make a sheepish apology to that insulting company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend, who lived in my hometown with me since I have known him, has now moved away and invited me to come visit him. I told him I would try. He then mentioned that he will have an extra bed for guests.

I politely declined and said, "No that's OK, I will just stay at a hotel."

He seemed offended that I even mentioned not staying with him and replied that he has plenty of room and I should not waste my money at a hotel. I was not sure that I would be able to visit him, so I quickly changed the subject.

Now that I will be able to visit him, I am going to call him to find a weekend that suits both our schedules. I would rather just stay at a hotel, but I know he will be offended if I mention this. He lives on the other side of the country, so a day trip is not possible.

GENTLE READER: Does he know what a difficult houseguest you are?

Now, Miss Manners is sure that you are considerate, neat and a joy to have around the house. But you wouldn't want to suggest that there is anything lacking in the hospitality that your old friend is generously offering. So you must take it on yourself.

After you thank him profusely and make it clear that you are only too eager to spend as much time with him as possible, you should add, "I'm afraid I would disturb you. I tend to get restless at night and I'm much better off in a hotel, where I can turn on the television or go sit in the lobby. Trust me, I'd love to stay with you otherwise, but I really don't think it's a good idea."

Lest your conscience actually keep you up for saying this, Miss Manners asks you to remind yourself that you have had restless nights, if only in infancy, and you have only said that you could turn on the television set or sit in the lobby, not that you are in the habit of doing so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be the tactful way to say "no presents but a money tree" for a birthday party?

GENTLE READER: "Never mind all that junk -- just gimme your wallet."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes find myself in social gatherings where people are discussing some social or political issue with a single point of view clearly preferred by most or all other members of the group, when it is a point of view I cannot bring myself to share.

I am aware that sometimes (as in the case of climate change), this occurs because of my scientific background and my thus having certain knowledge that most people do not, while it sometimes (as with discussions involving sports) has more to do with in inclination toward contrariness, a character trait I am working, with so far limited success, to reduce.

My personality traits aside, is it rude to respectfully share a fact that flies in the face of the apparent group consensus?

An example: "You may not know this, but for the past few years, there has been a trend among scientists toward skepticism regarding global warming. Many feel the media is hyping the issue, and several have asked the U.N. to take their names off the report."

Or is it better to remain silent and allow the discussion to continue on its course with more and more agreement, though I find it sad that such lovely, well-educated people could hold such ill-informed opinions?

On a similar note, what of disabusing a friend of a charming but mistaken notion when he shares it with me? If you would indulge me in two actual examples, I shall illustrate:

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for your health.

Me: There was a "code orange" air pollution advisory yesterday, so it was probably bad for my health. But it's good for my sore knees, so I do it anyway.

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for reducing your carbon footprint.

Me: Actually, lots of cars put out less carbon dioxide per mile than I do, huffing and puffing down the street. I was riding because my office is only four blocks away, and I don't want to ruin my car with short trips.

My wife is (possibly properly) horrified by exchanges like this, while I feel it is not only being truthful, but also sharing information they might be able to use and apparently don't have. After all, I don't want to be responsible for encouraging them to do something that would have an effect opposite to the one they want.

Who's right?

GENTLE READER: It is not enough for you to supply the dialogue; Miss Manners would have to hear you speaking it and check out your audience.

She can imagine your words about the environment being said pleasantly, in the clear spirit of "Well, there is another side to this," in a free-wheeling conversation among dedicated but open-minded friends. The bicycle comments could be offered jovially, in the tone of I-only-wish.

But your wife's reaction worries Miss Manners. It seems only too likely that you are enjoying your dissentions far too much. That is your cue to stop.

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