DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband and I were together for five years. Even though he wanted the divorce, it took him nearly two years to move on. He recently started dating someone again, and I am happy for him. (I kept urging him to move on -- we are still friends.)

He recently sent our son a card, and his new girlfriend signed it. They have been dating (to my knowledge) less than two months. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this tacky?

What is the proper etiquette when dealing with a father's girlfriend, who the child has never met (they live across country)?

GENTLE READER-- Before Miss Manners admits that this is questionable, she would like to know what use you plan to make of the information. The correct answer would be "none."

Yes, a child should not be confronted with a stranger taking the unwarranted, or at least premature, position of a step-parent. But let it go. Trust Miss Manners, you do not want to get into this with someone whose manners are not under your jurisdiction and who may, indeed, turn out to become a step-parent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are on a tight budget and are planning a small, family-only wedding. My mother would like to throw us an engagement party, a work buddy wants to give me a shower, and I'd love to have a bachelorette party with my girlfriends.

Many people that would attend these events would not be invited to the wedding. I've heard from several sources that to not invite these people to the wedding is the height of rudeness.

Is that true? Do I really have to give up these special events because my fiance and I can't afford a big wedding? Please help!

GENTLE READER: Help with what? The notion that every bride is entitled to a series of parties? And that people are happy to attend such events even if their presence is not sought for the wedding itself?

These people are, presumably, your friends, so you are in a better position than Miss Manners to guess their reactions. What you have to keep making clear is that you are not favoring some friends over others, in which case it would be extraordinarily rude to expect the unchosen to do the minor celebrations only to be excluded from the main one.

What you are doing, you must explain, is being married privately, with only family present. It would be in bad taste to plead budget considerations. Hard as it may be to believe, there are people who simply prefer not to surround their marriage ceremonies with extravaganzas.

Then talk to your mother about who, in her circle and yours, are close enough to be delighted if she says something like, "Emmeline will be married with just the family there, but I'm throwing a little party where she and Emmet can see the people we care about."

You should permit the work shower only if it is customary in your office to mark colleagues' weddings in this small way without further expectations. And as for showers and other gatherings of your friends -- they are not for you to propose. Should friends come forth and offer to give them, confining their guest lists to those who understand the situation, Miss Manners will not object.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my beautiful, lively, intelligent daughter was a small child, I was encouraged by parenting magazines and books to allow her to play with her food at meal time. It was supposed to enhance her tactile awareness and fine motor skills or something.

Now she is 12, and at meals she constantly uses her hands to supplement her utensils. I have corrected her both gently and sternly but she cannot seem to remember to keep her fingers out of her plate.

Last year, I enrolled her in a local cotillion class; she developed a fairly good handshake and can waltz, but it didn't make a dent in her mealtime behavior. How should I proceed to help her to become a refined young lady and outgrow this tiresome habit?

GENTLE READER: It must be at least a comfort to know that early training works: You trained your child to have bad table manners, and she does. Retraining is harder, as you have discovered.

Fortunately, your daughter is approaching the self-conscious age, when she will be worrying about what others think of her. Miss Manners knows that you, as a good mother, will be offering her reassurances and support. But here is something to throw in with all that good stuff:

"But darling, you really don't want people to be able to make fun of the way you eat. So let's practice at every meal until it comes to you naturally."

May Miss Manners take the liberty of adding, gently and sternly, that it is a mistake for parents to surrender their good sense to behavioral fads.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received a baby announcement from a casual acquaintance at work. Along with the usual information concerning the baby's name, gender, weight and length, the announcement provides a bit more than I needed to know about the state of my co-worker's cervix during the process of labor, her epidural, and the number of stitches required to close her episiotomy.

I am wondering if there is an appropriate way to express my joy and delight with the baby while making it clear that I really don't care to know any more gory details.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' first thought was "I'd love to see some pictures," but perhaps not. A simple note of congratulations would be the safest reaction to someone who doesn't seem to need encouragement to open herself up, so to speak.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am puzzled over the purpose of the "engagement party." Is it an occasion for celebration with gifts expected, or merely a celebration? I am of the generation that believes that only a wedding gift is required. Is this another event that is taken to extreme, like holding graduation for preschoolers, flying their children to Disney World for their birthday, etc.?

GENTLE READER: The engagement party as such is a relatively new form, and Miss Manners has the same suspicions that you do. It developed at about the time that adults started giving annual birthday parties for themselves.

But that is not to say that relatives and friends did not give respectable parties for engaged couples. Please bear with Miss Manners while she attempts to explain the subtle difference.

One type of party was to announce an engagement that was not otherwise known. Guests were invited as to no-particular-occasion party, and the host would surprise everyone by proposing a toast to his daughter and future son-in-law.

Another type could be given by either set of parents, or by friends, to introduce their circle to the person who was marrying into it. Before and after the wedding, friends might entertain in honor of the new couple, but -- here is the shocker. No presents would be given -- just lots of hugs and kisses and happy wishes.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is very refined and attractive and a little obsessive and compulsive when it comes to her grooming.

I appreciate that, but when we go out in public or meet others at a restaurant, she will bring her nail buffing set with her and buff her nails within the view of others.

I frequently mention that this appears to be either rude or just awkward and unsightly, given her desire to maintain appearances. She thinks it is nothing and no one should draw an opinion about it, including me.

I find the visual repetition and sound of it annoying. Shouldn't this kind of grooming be done at home or in private, or am I the one that is being too obsessive?

GENTLE READER: Sorry as Miss Manners is to have to point this out, she must observe that you have gallantly overestimated the qualities of this lady. There is nothing either refined or attractive about someone who does bathroom chores in public and who won't make the smallest change in her habits to avoid annoying her husband.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my job as a high school literature teacher. One can hardly begin to create a complete list of why the job is so amazing.

Yet in 12 years of teaching, I regularly encounter two comments when people find out my profession. They either cringe ("Wow -- why would you ever want to deal with brats every day?") or think they're handing me a compliment ("It must be so great to have the summers off").

If I were to deal with brats every day, I'd go into a different profession. I also doubt they understand that most of us don't get paid over the two-month summer break even though we continue to prepare for the following year.

How should one best respond to these remarks and transition into some topic that is a bit more pleasing all around?

GENTLE READER --? There is no stopping people from making silly remarks about one's profession -- any profession -- as Miss Manners knows from constant personal experience.

The simplest way is to answer with a weak smile and say, "Tell me about what you do." No explanation or transition necessary.

But if you are really fed up with those who remark about brats, you can say sympathetically, "Did you have a hard time in high school?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months ago, we mailed out save-the-date cards to prospective out-of-town guests for our son's wedding. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the wedding guest list now needs to be reduced. We now need to let family and friends know that although they received save-the-date cards, they will not be invited to the wedding. What is the best and most polite way to do this, hopefully without incurring hard feelings or grudges?

GENTLE READER: There is no polite way to say, "We told you to wait for us, but you didn't make the final cut." Miss Manners suggests finding a way to cut the expenses, not the list of reserved guests.

: