Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is from France and writes "EV" on letters and invitations that are hand-delivered (either delivered by her or on her behalf.) She explained that this stands for "en ville" or "in town" and that in the past it was customary to write this on letters one intended to give directly to recipients.

I like the idea and was wondering if there is an "American" equivalent, or is it acceptable for me to use EV? Should I use it at all?

GENTLE READER: Are there not enough people who claim they don't understand "R.s.v.p."? Miss Manners asks you to refrain from bewildering your correspondents by throwing in another foreign abbreviation. (You didn't understand it, either, until your mother-in-law explained it.)

In simpler days, Americans could write "City" on a letter sent to the city in which it originated, and it would arrive by post.

Even now, if you send your letters by footman (who probably uses a bicycle), it is proper to write "By hand" in the lower-left hand corner of the envelope. If a friend delivers it for you, the correct acknowledgement to put there is "Kindness of" with that person's name, refraining from sealing the envelope as a sign of trust in your messenger.

However, if you hand it over to the recipient yourself, none of these applies. Still, Miss Manners supposes you can write whatever you like without worrying that it will go astray.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married next spring and had been planning a wedding of about 75 guests. The wedding planning has taken on a life of its own, and I have been overwhelmed by the details and the cost.

In our current economic climate, the practical side of me can not quite rationalize the expense for which this wedding will cost my parents. It is after all, only one day. After a recent meeting with my caterer, I realized that I was planning someone else's wedding, not the wedding I think I had always envisioned for myself.

Since coming to this realization, my fiance and I have decided to nix the larger ceremony and reception for a private ceremony and dinner with our immediate family at a lovely inn not far from where we live.

Quite a few of our friends and extended family were aware of our wedding date and plans. Now that those plans have changed, I am wondering the best way to let them know that our plans have changed and they shouldn't expect an invitation come spring.

GENTLE READER: This is a rare case where Miss Manners not only permits but promotes the concept of it's-all-about-us. Anything you tell the no-longer guests about cutting down expenses and curtailing the entertainment is in danger of sounding as if the least painful part for you to cut was sharing the day with them.

You would do better to acquire a dreamy-eyed look and to confide, "We've decided to elope." Elope is such a nicely vague and romantic way to refer to anything short of a wedding with the usual bells and whistles, and it does not preclude admitting afterward that you could not bear to cut out the immediate family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to announce your engagement when your sister is standing in the receiving line at her husband's viewing? If not, what would have been the acceptable way to handle a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you (was it you?) were accepting condolences near your husband's coffin when your sister shrieked, "Guess what! I'm engaged!"

Or perhaps someone inquired about that unknown gentleman who seemed to be one of the immediate family, and your sister replied, "That is my fiance. What with my poor brother-in-law's illness, we haven't had a chance to tell people."

Something in between the two, Miss Manners is guessing. Deaths often bring together people who have not seen each other for a while and, just as many no longer dress for the occasion, those who should be mourners often fail to adjust their ordinary social manners for the occasion.

Typically, people will be calling out "Nice to see you!" to one another, chatting away to catch up, and indulging in small talk and even jokes.

This is bound to be upsetting to those who are truly mourning. Proper funereal posture is a sad, or at least composed, face with a low voice. Acquaintanceship should be acknowledged with a slight bow, and conversation should be limited to essentials, reminiscences of the deceased and concern for the survivors.

If your sister violated that during the viewing, you might have cautioned her by whispering, "Why don't you talk to people farther away?"

But that time is past. Funerals, like weddings, are known to ignite family feuds when the participants critique one another's behavior. Miss Manners begs you to let it drop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend loves sushi and has hosted several sushi parties at her home. Because of the cost, she has asked her guests to contribute money on each occasion.

These events are always "all you can eat," but each time she hosts a party, the cost goes up. The first time it was $10 a guest, but then the sushi was purchased at a more upscale restaurant, so it cost $20. At the last party, she had a professional chef come to her house and make the sushi, and the cost was $40.

At each party, I declined to take part in the sushi eating and simply ate whatever free snacks were available. As the parties progressed, there was less and less other food available, and at the last party there was one plate of chips and dip.

I have always been taught that it is rude to charge people for food at parties and that if you cannot afford a certain food, you should serve something cheaper. Some people have suggested I just not attend, but I did want to see my friends and celebrate her birthday. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your best friend is running a sushi restaurant. She may or may not be making money from this, but she most certainly is not giving parties.

As you realize, hospitality consists of sharing, not selling. Should you want to see your friends, and to celebrate this lady's birthday, Miss Manners recommends your demonstrating this to them as befits your means.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Thanksgiving, my husband and I have for a number of years gone to a family dinner at my sister's. There are other relatives in attendance, usually at least eight, sometimes more.

Because we're there for four or five hours and the event includes hors d'oeuvres, chatting, playing with children and other casual activities, I usually bring along my holiday cards to address. I accomplish this one card at a time, keeping the stack near me, not spread out.

I was floored yesterday when my sister told me she'd thought for years that my mindless task, during which I can talk, nibble and sip, was rude. I thanked her for telling me but said I planned to continue and adjourned to the basement to do so, returning to help with the meal.

Afterwards, I gave a lot of thought to this matter. I don't view my task as any more disruptive to proceedings than knitting or doing needlework. It certainly takes as little attention. Then I compared it to paging through a newspaper or magazine or even watching TV (always indulged in for football games on Thanksgiving), although that tends to be a group activity.

Can you advise? Before I broach the subject again with my sister to explain my point of view, I'd like to know if there are guidelines in this type of group setting.

GENTLE READER: What about video games, texting, telephoning and all the other ways people now avoid the boredom of socializing with their relatives and friends?

Social multitasking has become a serious etiquette problem despite the benign origins that you mention. Needlework, including knitting, has indeed been long considered acceptable, even decorous. Although this dates from a time when ladies were presumed not to take part in serious conversation anyway, Miss Manners agrees that it is generally compatible with full participation.

Four years of watching college classmates turn out three-color sweaters while simultaneously mastering Greek and higher mathematics has convinced her of that. She has therefore grandmothered it in, so to speak.

Perhaps you would agree that all forms of communication with people who are not present do remove attention from those who are, which makes those electronic possibilities rude.

But you are pleading a middle ground. Miss Manners concedes that on long visits, typically including overnight stays but stretching it to include all-day holiday gatherings, the company may divide into sub-group activities, such as playing or watching a game together. Parents may need some time tending to small children. Someone may be in urgent need of a nap.

However, let us not forget that the idea is for people to get together. Despite the claims of students that they can do their homework while watching television, reading and writing require concentration. And even if you don't give it that, these activities look as if the full concentration is focused elsewhere.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees with your sister and hostess that bringing and performing an unrelated social task shows that you anticipate being bored. And you proved it when challenged by choosing that task over the company.

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