DEAR MISS MANNERS: I called a female friend because I felt it was time for a casual "catching up." She will be getting married in the fall, so I inquired about wedding plans.

I also brought up my birthday event, telling her to expect an invitation via Facebook. This led me down the path of my birthday event from last year, and this is where things get interesting.

Last year, I organized a rather expensive event and told people I invited that in return for their attendance, I would require $15. Most people paid me that night, and everyone else reimbursed me within the next couple months. That is, everyone but Isabel and her boyfriend (now her fiance).

Upon being reminded of the debt during the aforementioned phone call, she did not sound annoyed, nor did she question why it had taken so long for me to bring up the issue. A couple of pleasantries were then exchanged, and that was the end of the call.

A few days later, I received the following cursive handwritten note in the mail with a $20 bill and a $10 bill enclosed:

"I was unaware of my supposed year-long debt, so $30 is enclosed. To prevent such further misunderstanding and apparent lack of sleep, please feel free not to invite me to future events. Regards...."

I am wondering if I am right taking exception to what I feel to be needlessly malicious and passive-aggressive correspondence. The usage of the term "supposed" is completely erroneous, and the remark about "apparent lack of sleep" has no grounds, since I said nothing to that effect.

Also, the final phrase in the note is especially impolite given the sarcastic politeness with which it is written.

I can assure you, I was nothing but casual and calm when reminding her of the debt. Granted, I am in the wrong for bringing it up so far removed from the event, but the passage of time does not excuse money owed. In your opinion, what should be my response?

GENTLE READER: A resolution to learn from the experience.

The Honor Myself birthday party, complete with money-collecting guest-of-honor-host, has become so commonplace that many do not stop to think just how vulgar it is. But there could hardly be a greater perversion of hospitality than declaring oneself the guest of honor and then charging people to celebrate your own birthday.

Admittedly, nobody should have accepted without agreeing to your terms. But your seeming to have been brooding over this for a year (which is what was meant by the reference to sleeplessness) is a crude reminder that your hospitality was not freely offered.

Let us hope your friend remembers this as she plans her wedding and does not suggest a return, in either money or dry goods, from her guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I were fortunate enough to buy a large house with several extra bedrooms.

Is there a tactful way to respond to the inevitable questions along the lines of, "My, you sure do have a lot of bedrooms; any plans on filling them up?"

We love our friends and family and want to avoid being bad hosts by telling them it's none of their business. We'd love to hear any ideas you may have.

GENTLE READER: Library, study, music room, guest room, exercise room, laundry room....

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On those evenings when I work late, my son, who is 24 years old, comes and picks me up from work. I'm 58, dress affluently, and look much younger than my age, or so I'm told. My husband will occasionally join us, but most of the time it's just us two.

Last week, as soon as I had gone to the ladies' room, an older woman came up to our table and told my son he was "disgusting" and asked why didn't he date women his own age.

He smiled and asked her how she was certain he didn't date women his own age and reminded her that this was none of her concern anyway. He went on to tell her that, in fact, I'm his mother. She wouldn't believe him and left scowling.

This happens so frequently, and it's usually younger girls and older women who come to our table and insult my son with their rudeness. He says some people are genuinely embarrassed, while others simply argue that they don't believe him.

I've had young girls call out to us, "Awwwwwww, it's a cougar." Another time, a young girl asked my son how a woman of my age could be better than her. The angry glares while I'm trying to enjoy my dinner after a hard day at work are more than I can stand.

I have seen many women out with younger fellows, and most of the time you can see the resemblance and assume they are out with their sons. I really do not care, but this outright rudeness and ignorance is really getting to me. I must conclude that the people who are doing it are downright jealous!

How does one deal with this constant barrage of extreme rudeness?

GENTLE READER: Where are you taking your son to dinner -- singles bars?

Miss Manners realizes that nosiness is rampant in our society, and that scolding strangers is smugly passed off under the name of helpful honesty. But that ordinary restaurants are packed with patrons who feel free to assess and critique one another's choices of dinner partners does strike her as peculiar.

And why would you try to engage with such people? Politeness does not require it, and you know from experience that attempting the defense that they have mistaken the relationship only legitimizes their premise. Unconstrained by manners, they have no hesitation about compounding the insult with charges of lying.

The polite way to snub meddling strangers is to ignore them or say coldly, "I don't believe I know you," while turning away. If this does not discourage them, your next step is to report to management -- within their hearing -- that you are being harassed by rowdy patrons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I paid for my recent divorce and completed all the paperwork, as well as appearing in court with a witness. Immediately following the court date, my now-ex e-mailed me asking how the divorce went and enclosed a link, which turned out to be a newspaper engagement announcement to his soon-to-be-fourth wife.

This announcement had obviously taken place before the divorce was finalized. By the way, I am very welcome to fly up to attend the wedding! Your take on this, please, manners-wise.

GENTLE READER: That it sounds pathetically like "See? At least someone loves me!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I graciously allowed a friend to live with us, rent free, for about a year while she made an amazing recovery from severely disabling chronic pain. She was unfailingly cheerful throughout this.

But as she recovered her energy, she tried to repay us by improving our house and perhaps our marriage. She first replaced our nightlights, which work in a power failure, by ones which do not. Things then went downhill.

Her final behavior became consistent with a serious attempt to unseat me as my husband's wife. It all ended when I wrote her an exquisitely polite Victorian eviction notice, which she heeded. Peace was restored.

Could I have reacted earlier to prevent a crisis? How does one politely respond to a guest who rearranges the living room and pressures one to buy clothes and household furnishings?

And what is the proper response to a woman who lavishly praises one's husband or marriage?

Mind you, my marriage is strong and my husband truly remarkable in many ways. However, overt praise and envy from other women have been rare and in the past associated with flagrant attempts to pry a husband loose, so it raises an orange or red flag with me.

GENTLE READER: That you are in red alert, or orange alert (Miss Manners gets those airport alarms confused) is understandable. Rearranging the rooms and criticizing their contents is a high crime on the part of a guest.

At the first sign of improving the premises, you should say sympathetically, "I see you are eager to have a place of your own so you can arrange it as you wish. That is so understandable, although we have loved having you here. Let us know when you have made other arrangements."

But complimenting the husband? In a strong marriage, that should delight the wife. Is there more history here than you are telling Miss Manners? One does not normally think of a husband as capable of being pried loose, as if he were, well, stuck.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age of a person is it where they are not included as "and family" on an invitation?

My nephew planned a party for his 60th birthday and sent out invitations to friends and family members, like me. On the envelope, "and family" was added to my name.

Several cousins of my nephew did not receive invitations but were included on the parents' invitation. They are upset and will not attend because of this. I never gave it much thought and was not upset. Is there a rule for this?

GENTLE READER: "And family" stands for "I can't remember your children's names" and is thus never flattering. Age has nothing to do with it.

It is also dangerously vague: Many of the guests in this case seem to be members of the host's family, and no doubt they may have plenty of other family members, so it could have turned into quite a large party.

Miss Manners can think of another rule that is relevant here: Don't get all huffy at the little etiquette mistakes of people who mean well, or they wouldn't be attempting to issue you invitations, however awkwardly.

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