DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get bent out of shape when my dinner guests cross their legs at the dinner table. Both men and women do this. It is rude, unsightly to me, and a breach of etiquette, right? Should I say something to the offenders?

GENTLE READER: Such as "Dinner will be here as soon as I get up from under the table"?

If you cannot bend yourself back into shape, Miss Manners recommends refraining from doing an under-the-table leg check. A long tablecloth might help restore your equanimity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents received an invitation to a niece's wedding that stated "Adults Only" and "Black Tie" in fine print. Black Tie means men in tuxedo and women in formal wear, correct?

They are miffed by this turn of events, as they have already bought nice casual wear (South Beach Miami) and this is the first they have heard that the affair is to be formal.

GENTLE READER: What basis did your parents have for assuming that this wedding would be not be formal? They may never have seen the couple dressed in anything but cutoff jeans or bathing suits, but that does not preclude their going all out on this occasion.

All weddings are formal by definition, although they are not all black tie, which means what you think it does. Some are even more formal -- morning dress or white tie -- and some less, but truly casual weddings are rare.

However, Miss Manners does have good news for your parents: Nowadays, weddings are often two or three day festivals, at least one of which their new clothes may conform to the style.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have attended two wakes in the last few months at which the ex-spouses have been present in the condolence lines, often found at the end of the line. This has raised an eyebrow or two.

As the ex-spouse is an EX and the current spouse is grieving, should both be present?

GENTLE READER: Whose were those wandering eyebrows?

If they belonged to the immediately surviving spouse or children, the presence of a former spouse might be seen as an attempt to barge back into a family at the wrong time. If they belonged to outsiders, Miss Manners hopes they will settle back down where they belong. Bereaved families have enough sorrow without having to endure the criticism of others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, while visiting a friend who is an artist, I expressed interest in a painting but did not commit to the purchase. This week, over a year later, I received the painting in the mail, along with an invoice for three times the original price.

Am I obligated to purchase the painting, or is returning it an acceptable option?

GENTLE READER: You know that you are not legally required to buy something for which you did not contract. Miss Manners therefore supposes that you worry that the etiquette of friendship requires you to do so.

It does not. Here is an excellent example of why people are wrong when they declare that etiquette is "just a matter of making others feel comfortable." To make a scam-artist feel comfortable might prove endlessly expensive. Yet presumably you do not want to be unduly harsh to a scam-artist who also happens to be your friend.

The note accompanying the return should therefore read something like this: "There seems to have been a misunderstanding about your beautiful picture. Much as I admire it, I had never asked to be the owner, although I will envy the person who is fortunate enough to acquire it." Optional dig: "I congratulate you on its also having increased in value since I saw it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one write a condolence note about a person one has never met?

I'm getting to the age where the parents of my friends are dying with some regularity, and I'm increasingly faced with this situation: The deceased live(d) in a different city from my friend and myself; the friendship isn't close enough to warrant traveling a great distance for the funeral; but some kind of official acknowledgment should be made and condolence offered.

This is exactly the situation for condolence letters, but what should they say when I don't have any anecdotes about or memories of the deceased? I don't have a trove of, "I'll always remember the time...." or "Your mother was a shining example of...." because I never met the woman! I've quoted a comforting hymn or prayer in letters to my religious friends, but that doesn't work for the irreligious ones, and besides, I don't know that it's that much better than a preprinted sympathy card anyway.

GENTLE READER: Handwriting is always better than a preprinted card, just as an individually written e-mail is better than a mass e-mail. (No, no, Miss Manners did not say it was all right to send condolences by e-mail. It's merely a comparison to serve as a reminder that mass-produced messages are not heartwarming.)

Eulogizing is indeed an important part of the condolence letter, but, as in this case, it is not always possible. Nor is it the most important part, which is to express sympathy for the bereaved. That you can do: "I was so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to lick food or liquid from around your mouth area or should you use your napkin instead?

An ice cream cone, of course, is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth. Nobody wants to waste the ice cream by wiping it away with a napkin. Are only certain foods ok to lick up with your tongue?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by saying an ice cream cone is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth? Miss Manners is shocked.

Do not -- repeat not -- push the cone top-first into your face. The tongue gets plenty of exercise, but on the ice cream, not on your face.

When the cone is presented, the tongue should circle the rim to catch any overlap. It is then employed to lick the ice cream in swirls until the remainder sinks into the cone (perhaps aided by a surreptitious push by the tongue when Miss Manners isn't looking), at which time it can be eaten in bites with the cone.

When you have mastered this, perhaps we can move on to barbecued spareribs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one politely ask a neighbor, who's one block away to not snow blow my driveway in the future? I was awakened this morning by the sound of a snow blower going past my bedroom window. This kind person had cleared off my driveway once last year, and I thanked him, although I prefer to do the shoveling myself.

You might wonder why I would be annoyed (other than from being awakened by the machine) by a neighbor who kindly pushes his snowblower one block away to clear my driveway. I have numerous reasons: 1) Snowblowers are noisy and they pollute. 2) I find snowblowers unnecessary when I can clear the driveway in half an hour to an hour, depending on the amount of snowfall. 3) I enjoy snow shoveling! 4) I need the exercise. 5) I like to have my teenage daughter help me so she can learn to appreciate what physical labor is like.

I am not foolish enough to suggest that the neighbor has deprived me of the joy of snow shoveling (I'm going to help my neighbor as soon as I'm finished with this e-mail), exercise (I walk and take a rowing class) or the opportunity for my daughter to do some real work (she can scrub the bathtub). But still.

I will bake him a lemon poundcake and take it to him and his wife (they're parents of my daughter's friend) and thank him. I will say nothing of my annoyance. And the next time we have a snowstorm, I will get the shovel out at 6 a.m. and pre-empt my neighbor's good intentions.

But it would be nice to be able to shovel the snow after I've had my breakfast. So, if there's a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, please let me know.

GENTLE READER: How about also waking your daughter (so she can learn to appreciate a wintry dawn) and silently shoveling your neighbor's snow before he wakes up?

When he thanks you, you can tell him how much you (Miss Manners advises against saying "we" in case your daughter decides to speak up) actually enjoy doing this, right after breakfast; it's your favorite exercise, and you can hardly wait for it to snow again.

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