DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex and I parted ways last year, and he began seeing another woman shortly after. They are now engaged. While I wish him every happiness, I was surprised, to say the least, when I learned of some of their wedding plans.

While we were together, we had discussed possible wedding ideas, down to flowers, music and attire. After a recent chat with a mutual friend involved in the wedding, I learned that he has essentially applied one of our wedding plans to them! His attire was my idea, her dress is similar to my choice, she will walk down the aisle to our (former) song, and even her wedding bouquet is nearly identical, down to an unusual floral combination and ribbon inserts in my favorite color (a color she doesn't even like!)

As my invitation has been rescinded (at her request), I am unsure how to proceed. Am I allowed to ask them to change some of the wedding details? Or should I let him and the situation go?

GENTLE READER: He is going anyway. What possible satisfaction could you have from hanging onto the bouquet design?

Don't tell Miss Manners that you planned to use it in case you marry someone else; you have already made it clear that you consider the plans to be symbolic of your broken romance.

Her guess is that the bridegroom was asked for wedding ideas and came up with these, ignoring or forgetting that he had developed them with you. Do you really want to show him that you have more emotional attachment to your joint plans, now canceled, than he does?

But as you do feel that, Miss Manners would think that you would take satisfaction from knowing that the bride is wearing a color she dislikes under the impression that it is her bridegroom's favorite, when it is really yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been playing in a weekly mahjong game (similar to cards) for several years. Of the six regular players, three of them repeatedly take cell phone calls from their teenage children during the game. None of these calls could be considered even close to an emergency and are of a trivial nature (e.g. their latest test score, they need more contact lenses, etc).

The offending players make all of us hold up play and listen to discussions lasting one or two minutes. One woman takes at least three phone calls an afternoon. The game only lasts for three hours.

I have tried modeling the correct etiquette when I have received an occasional call by quickly telling the caller that I was busy at the moment but would call them back later. I have tried to make a joke about how I've trained my family to not disturb the sacred time of mahjong. Nobody seems to get the hint. Is there anything I can say that will encourage my friends to keep their cell phone conversations to a minimum?

GENTLE READER: As a player of games, and a member of a group that meets regularly, you know about rules. Miss Manners suggests that you pick a time when you have not been so interrupted to make the general proposal that outside distractions, whether online shopping or telephone calls, not be allowed during the game.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am putting together a baby-shower luncheon for a co-worker. It is a second baby and more of a get-together than a full-fledged shower. They call it a "sprinkle" -- small gifts second time around. Around 10 people.

How do I invite people to a lunch and also inform them they have to pay for their own lunch?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners may say so, "sprinkle" is an unfortunate term for an occasion having to do with an infant. Yet she thoroughly approves of efforts to seek refuge from the now-common shower that is more of a deluge. Such events -- and she is including showers for first babies as well as wedding showers -- have turned from light-hearted events to pretentious ones with serious outlays of money.

So by all means have an informal little get-together with whoever among you colleagues cares to participate. You are not inviting them, but merely organizing the event, so it should be phrased as "Some of us are taking Tabitha out to lunch to celebrate. Would you like to join us?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it incorrect etiquette to touch your teeth to the tines of a fork, or to the body of a spoon, while eating?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it is incorrect for other diners to wince if this is done, but they plead to Miss Manners that they can't help it. You can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past five years, I have established a successful freelance writing business, relying on referrals, networking and hours of cold calls to connect with new clients. Now, an acquaintance of mine has become a freelance writer, and she asked me to "get her on her feet" by providing her with my entire list of client contacts!

My business is built on those relationships, and I wouldn't give that list to my own mother if she asked. If this acquaintance were a good writer, I might give her one or two names to get her started -- but she's not, and I'm concerned that referring her to my clients will damage my own reputation.

How can I politely decline her request? She keeps asking, and I'm running out of ways to put it off.

GENTLE READER: How about "I wouldn't give that list to my own mother if she asked"? Or perhaps a gentler, "Sorry, but that's a confidential business matter I don't share with anyone."

It strikes Miss Manners that you have a perfectly valid reason that you can easily explain politely -- provided you leave out the part about what a bad writer your acquaintance is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepson is estranged from his father, and I want to include him in the obit but not list him as his son. May I do this? However, I want to list my children from another marriage but not indicate they are stepchildren. Please advise. This is a ticklish subject.

GENTLE READER: An attempt to have your husband disown his son posthumously strikes Miss Manners as outrageous, and no reputable news outlet will accept it. In contrast, frankly including stepchildren is perfectly acceptable. If you are talking about posting your own notice, you can fudge it by grouping them all, regardless of the emotional ties, as his survivors.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard that breaking a date for any reason other than absolute emergency is unacceptable, but I rather feel that under the circumstances, keeping the date would be inappropriate.

You see, I accepted the invitation two weeks before the date was scheduled to occur and have since come to the startling realization that I cannot continue seeing the boy in question. My initial reaction is to tell him immediately, as I feel anything less would be leading him on, yet I have a date scheduled with him for later in the week. Shall I let him take me to the theater, only to tell him afterward that I no longer wish to see him? Would that not be cruel and seeming to take advantage of the opportunity to see a free show?

Perhaps it would be easier if he had done something to seriously offend me that would warrant the breaking of a date, but the truth is, he is a singularly unique and wonderful individual and I could hope for no better companion. He is thoughtful, intelligent, respectful and kind.

It is through no fault of his own that I've found I do not want him (though I feel a wretched creature for it). The facts are simply these: I feel no passion for him. Not passion, as in lust, but passion, meaning I cannot wait to hear what he has to say, nor get back together with him. Often I find my eyes glazing over a bit when he talks (aren't I perfectly horrid?) and I've noticed on occasion the same happens to him when I speak.

Another pressing question is this: How do I break things off with him? We've been going on dates for a couple of months and all the while, I felt something was off but could not put a finger on it. Now that I can, I know things must end. I feel I've led him on. I dislike that feeling greatly, and I wish to set things right the best I am able.

Please, Miss Manners, tell me, is there any way to break things off well? When he asks why, what can I say? "I feel no passion for you"? I feel that would be the height of cruelty, especially right after the theater.

GENTLE READER: You feel horrid? How do you think Miss Manners feels when you put her in the position of declaring that breaking a date is worse than breaking a heart?

Yet she cannot deny that hearts must sometimes be broken. Surely that is all the more reason that one should refrain from breaking other things -- dates, china, wind -- when one can.

A key question here is whether the gentleman has purchased theater tickets. It is bad enough to be rejected without immediately having to call around to find someone else to use the ticket. It sounds as if you have been seeing him long enough to endure one more evening, at the end of which you can say, "I enjoyed this very much, but I find that for various reasons, I'm going to be a lot less available now."

Miss Manners is aware that there is a strong school of thought that believes in giving honest reasons for breaking up a romance. She is all the more grateful that you understand the cruelty of declaring someone unattractive, which is always what that comes down to. Attractiveness is, after all, a subjective quality, and someone else would be bound to find your reject attractive -- if not for the hangdog look that would be left on his face from your honest assessment.

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