DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of teaching etiquette in public schools?

GENTLE READER: That teachers have quite enough to do without being expected to do the most basic job of parents.

Teachers generally do have to teach etiquette, because parents often do not, and mastering it is necessary before one can learn anything else. This includes such basics as sitting still, respecting authority and refraining from annoying others. What the homes are like where parents have failed to teach this, Miss Manners shudders to think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My adult son (29 years old) is an aspiring rock musician. The son of my old friend is a successful independent rock musician. My son would like to ask my friend's son to listen to his CD containing his original songs.

I want to stay out of it, and I've told my son I would be uncomfortable asking the rock star's mom to intervene. I've suggested that my son write to my friend or to her rock star son c/o her address with his request and include a copy of his CD. What is the right way to do this, if there is a right way? Should I get involved?

GENTLE READER: Staying out of it sounds like an excellent idea. You wouldn't care to factor into your friendship the possible effect of the rock star's ignoring the request or disliking the CD.

Miss Manners guesses that your son's only hope is to send the CD to the mother with a letter expressing his admiration of her son and his wish that she will pass it along as gratitude for her son's music and for the friendship of their mothers. (A bit smarmy, yes, but the idea is to make the mother feel she must do this for her friend, which a bald request would be unlikely to accomplish.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where I live, it is both legal and necessary for cyclists to ride on the sidewalk. If I want to pass a pedestrian who is walking in the middle of the sidewalk, what is the best way to notify that person that I would like him or her to step to the side for a moment?

If I ring the bell on my bicycle, they almost always hear me, but I feel rude dinging at someone. On the other hand, if I say "Excuse me," they almost never hear until I am practically shouting, which does not feel any less rude than ringing my bell.

This problem is exacerbated by the fact that about 75 percent of the people I pass on the sidewalk are walking while occupied with their phones and paying little attention to anything else.

GENTLE READER: This may be the only chance Miss Manners ever gets to correct someone for being too fastidious in worrying about what might be rude.

The purpose of the bicycle bell is not to chastise pedestrians who are on the telephone, or not in the habit of looking back to see what might be coming. Its purpose is to warn people of the danger of an approaching bicycle that may not be able to stop quickly. Use it.*

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are having an argument. She says that saying "please" at the dinner table is begging. If someone wants something, they should just ask and it should be given.

Some of this stems from an abusive father who would taunt people at the table and insisted on "please" and "thank you" and then, after the taunting, would say no or just ignore you.

I can in some ways see her point, but I do not consider it begging. Her children are grown, with children of their own, and all of these kids are now the same way. Even if you do give them something, they never say thank you.

I say that manners are what separate us from animals. They are a form of respect. She says they're just insincere and phony and should not be encouraged.

Am I just too old school? Is it really important? I think it is, and this will hurt the kids in the future.

GENTLE READER: It is only important if you don't believe that those to whom your sister and her family keep issuing orders and ignoring presents will love and admire them for their sincerity.

No doubt your sister is right that she does not sincerely feel respect or gratitude, even to people who do her favors or give her presents. But as she should realize from her father's cruel behavior, even such minor favors as passing the salt need not be granted. Why she would want to emulate him, Miss Manners cannot fathom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I am of the conviction that marriage is the lifelong union of a man and woman, I am blessed with wonderful friendships with people who do not share such convictions, including two women who consider themselves (but are not legally) a married couple.

I would like to invite both to my wedding, but I am concerned about how to address their invitation(s). I am concerned that they would take offense if I were to send two separate invitations to the same address, one for each friend.

But I don't wish to address them as I would a married couple, because I feel that would violate my own beliefs. Is there a polite way for me to hold to my convictions without causing offense?

GENTLE READER: The etiquette problem that troubles you does not exist. Any two grown-ups, whatever their relationship, who live at the same address but have different surnames may be sent one invitation, which is addressed by using two lines for their respective names.

What troubles Miss Manners is a deeper problem: that in celebrating your own union, you want to make it clear that you do not recognize your friends'.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do reporters and police officers, when speaking of a crime, refer to the perpetrator as a gentleman, as in, "The gentleman is suspected of having murdered his wife and dumped her body in the river"?

GENTLE READER: Probably not for the same reason that Miss Manners calls everyone a lady or a gentleman -- to encourage them to behave as such. Possibly out of a Damon Runyonesque sense of humor. Perhaps because, as Miss Manners must remind you, a suspect is not necessarily a perpetrator.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a correct/proper time of day to use lighted candles on the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Yes: after dark.

As Miss Manners recalls from the days before the invention of electricity (so unflattering to the complexion but, she supposes, otherwise useful), candles were a major household expense. Ever since, and even now, it has been considered pretentious to burn candles when their light is superfluous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I love my in-laws, I'm annoyed with their "selective nepotism."

They are the proud parents of five lovely boys, some of whom are married. When it comes to the holidays, birthdays or other monumental milestones, not all of their children are treated equally. Since entering the family, I have noticed them buying extravagant presents for other sons and their wives, while my husband and I are always the bottom of the barrel.

Another thing that really pushes my buttons is that my husband, of all of the boys, is the most thoughtful when it comes to his parents. He is always willing to help out and calls frequently to see how they are doing. I cannot say this is true of all of their sons and their significant others, for many of them do not give my in-laws the respect and attention they deserve.

I have noticed no correlation to price of the gift and the monetary neediness of the families receiving the gift. The more affluent couples are coming away with the biggest payoff. My husband and I do not want or need anything; however, it would be nice to have some equality across the board ... especially when it is well known what everyone else in the family is receiving.

When asked every year what we want or need, we have said that money would be best so we can sock it away in our savings. When it comes to gift-giving, we find ourselves with another useless gift that we don't want or need. We often find ourselves forced to spend gift cards we have no use for.

Why do you think not all of us are treated equally, and what, if anything, should we do? This issue hurts my feelings and makes me feel awful for my husband because it has to make him feel inferior.

GENTLE READER: Without being being given other examples of such favoritism, Miss Manners assumes that your complaint is solely about presents. In that case, mightn't their attitude about presents have something to do with yours?

You have made it known that you don't want or need anything that the parents might provide; you only want them to pay you, and you are checking to make sure you are not being cheated out of your share.

This may not be your in-laws' idea of holiday fun. Next year, if they ask you what you want, try saying, "Oh, I'm sure we'll love whatever you care to give us."

Incidentally, your statement that this "has to" make your husband feel inferior leads Miss Manners to believe that he -- who is demonstrably generous to his parents -- has not complained. Perhaps you should be more influenced by his attitude than his parents'.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)