DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since my husband and I will be traveling from out of town to my cousin's wedding, we have also been invited to the rehearsal dinner at a country club with a dress code.

Although my husband would like to go and visit my family, he refuses to wear anything other than a T-shirt, jeans, boots and a sweatshirt. With that attire, he will neither be allowed into the country club nor will he be meeting the semi-formal standard of the wedding. He says that if he can't dress the way he wants, he will still come to the destination but skip the events, even though we will be in town only for those two days.

He feels that he should be accepted for who he is and not forced to pretend to be someone he is not. I know he will not compromise and put on a button-up shirt and slacks, but should he come at all?

I am trying to find a polite way to deal with the matter, preferably without upsetting the wedding party or my husband.

GENTLE READER: "Who he is" is someone who understands that the choice of clothing constitutes a symbolic system -- but who is willing to use it only to broadcast himself, even at the cost of symbolizing disrespect for others and for a ceremonial occasion.

Miss Manners does not envy you.

Certainly he should not try to storm the club in defiance of its rules. Whether your family would be polite enough to ignore this slight is something you should attempt to find out in advance.

Miss Manners cautions you against using your husband's rationale in explaining the situation to the hosts. They would interpret that to mean that he claims not to be pretentious, even though they are -- which, indeed, is what he does mean.

It is not the degree of formality that is at the core of this conflict; it is the implication about the hosts who choose the style of the occasion. The disrespect would be equally true of someone who attended a highly informal wedding deliberately dressed in formal clothes, thus implying, "I'm proper, even if you are not."

So the approach to take is that as much as he would like to attend the wedding, he feels that he should stay away because he will not be dressed for it. The response will be either to urge him to attend anyway -- or not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother passed away and had been married for only six months. My good friend sent my favorite flower to the service. I didn't even know she'd sent them until several days later.

If the flowers are from friends of different family members who don't know the deceased or the wife, should the widow keep them? Or should they go to the family member whose friend sent them?

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that you want to wrest some days-old flowers away from a bereaved bride?

The flowers were sent as a tribute to your late brother, even if the only connection to him was through you. Had they been meant as a condolence for you, they would have been directed to your home.

Your respect for your brother should be shown through kindness and sympathy to his widow. And if you can't manage that, at least refrain from making claims that exclude her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently called a friend of mine cute. She replied, in a very angry tone, "Women are not called cute. I am a grown woman."

I was shocked. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, since her irate response must have rendered her decidedly less cute.

Compliments are subjective, but should not be subjected to such scrutiny if they are kindly intended. If it happens again, Miss Manners advises you to look abashed and say, "I am so sorry. I meant it as a compliment," and refrain from any further ones until your friend learns how to accept them graciously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is to be done about those with the tendency to make virtues of their faults?

I'm thinking of a woman I met who started off the evening by warning us, "I talk too much. My husband tells me all the time at dinner to shut up, but I just don't." She then proceeded to show us exactly what she meant by talking entirely too much throughout cocktails, dinner and dessert.

If that weren't bad enough, she persisted in asking my husband and me three times when we were going to have children. I racked my brain for the right response, even saying, "Oh, dear. What would Miss Manners say in this position?" But the woman didn't get the joke or take the hint.

My husband and I squirreled out of the uncomfortable position she continued to put us in, but I was still irritated. I have another friend who does this sort of thing -- admits she talks too much, but instead of trying to contain herself, she goes on blathering.

What annoys me is that it seems these people are trying to put themselves in a position of "You can't get mad at me -- I just admitted I'm fragile and socially awkward." But I wonder what can politely be done with this type of person, besides leaving the room?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you can't agree or leave the room without a covering excuse, but you certainly do not have to answer impertinent questions.

Miss Manners concurs that the behavior you describe is both unattractive and common. To insult oneself before another gets a chance to do so eliminates the need -- in the blatherer's mind -- to control the offense. Furthermore, it somehow requests sympathy when no apology is actually being made.

In the first case, if you are very, very careful to avoid any hint of sarcasm, Miss Manners will permit you to divert unwanted questions by responding: "I would answer you, but surely you don't want me to go on and on. I wouldn't want to be reprimanded by your husband."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely remove a shell from a crab salad from my mouth?

GENTLE READER: The general rule is that inedibles go out the way they went in -- the shell from crab salad should be deposited on the fork that brought it to your mouth.

The trick is to do it discreetly. Only if you needed to remove it from your throat would Miss Manners condone your making a scene.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 14 years old. As you may know, many people my age (including myself) have joined the popular social networking sites.

I had planned a sleepover with a friend of mine, not someone I see at school every day. I do not go to the site often, but that evening I was waiting for her to arrive and I went online. I then saw that a few days ago she had sent me a message there, telling me that she could no longer come to my sleepover.

I found this very rude. What if I had not checked my account at that time? I could have just sat there for an hour like a silly goose and not have known that she canceled. Wouldn't the right thing to do have been for her to at least call me? Please address this, what I think was a very unmannerly, horrible incident.

GENTLE READER: Yes, and Miss Manners is even less casual than you are about a guest's canceling an invitation once accepted.

But assuming that you find your friend's reasons compelling, let us deal with the manner in which she did so. Someone who mails you a conventional letter at an address that you have supplied can reasonably expect that you will receive it. This is true even today, when modern technology provides a plethora of ways to receive correspondence without supplying additional eyes and ears with which to process it.

But when canceling an invitation, there is a special burden on the ex-guest to see that the message is received. When your friend did not hear from you on the social network site, she should have proceeded through other forms of communication until she made contact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently divorced. My ex-wife just got married to a woman. For the longest time, I was playing the field, and now I have a girlfriend.

I am quite cordial with my ex and want to introduce her new spouse to my new girlfriend. How should I address her spouse?

GENTLE READER: Both ladies have names, Miss Manners supposes. And both have had ample opportunity to learn the various relationships involved, so you need only introduce them by name.

When introducing either to others, it would actually be the simpler to say "my former wife and her wife," with their names, and simply the name of your friend, rather than dealing with the awkward question of whether your friend is a girlfriend, partner, or whichever term you find least awkward.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I take taxis to the airport about four or five times per year. Most drivers take the direct route, but a fair number will take a slightly longer route to up the fare.

What is the proper etiquette for what to do when this happens? Skip the tip? Argue over the bill? Pretend nothing happened?

GENTLE READER: None of the above. Miss Manners urges you to speak up -- and quickly. Specify your preferred route when you give your destination. This will forestall any contemplated dishonesty -- and you may even learn that the driver was actually trying to save you money by avoiding a delay of which you were unaware.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)