Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to load the dishwasher with the silverware facing down. My mother prefers face up. While we can all argue about who is correct, that's not my question. I know I'm right.

When my mother, who frequents my home, helps clean up by loading the dishwasher, she insists on loading it her way. I've asked several times for her to load it my preferred way. After all, this is my house, and if her goal is to help, cutting my hand on a sharp knife isn't very helpful.

Her response is that I'm ungrateful and should appreciate her help. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Since you've already stated that you are, Miss Manners finds herself hesitant to cross you -- especially since you already have blood quite literally on your hands.

Just as you are certain that you are correct, so is your mother, and it doesn't seem likely that either of you is going to back down. Why don't you agree to load your own dishes in your own homes -- and ask for help with serving those dishes instead?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When individuals from different cultures marry and have different table manners, how does the one who finds the other's table manners irritating or embarrassing politely convey a less offensive way for her or his partner to eat?

My grandmother from the Old South was offended at the table behavior of my Connecticut Yankee grandfather, whose family had been dirt farmers. Grandpa ate his peas with his knife. Her approach was to turn a cold shoulder, which only made him laugh loudly and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Do you have any advice that could have saved their marriage? It ended in divorce.

GENTLE READER: So you see where bad manners can lead. Wars have been started over less. A husband who knowingly irritates his wife in the name of cultural customs is not likely trying to keep her.

Beware of cultural practices that are used to vex others -- or extract money from them. (Eating with your knife is never polite -- not to mention, highly dangerous.)

Marriages with different cultures and legitimate customs must set ground rules. Anything so annoying that it leads to divorce should be high on the list for elimination.

Miss Manners certainly acknowledges regional etiquette differences, but -- particularly where there are children involved -- advises giving preference to the manners of the society in which the family resides.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper etiquette when working in an office while sick?

GENTLE READER: To avoid it.

If it is absolutely necessary -- and you cannot work from home -- then try to keep to yourself and politely avoid contact with others, delicately explaining your situation (graphic descriptions and/or demonstrations are not allowed).

Miss Manners would also like to add that the correct response to hearing that someone is ill is, "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well," and not, "Eww. Get away from me!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I were at a high-energy fitness class with loud music, and at times during the class we were talking. Unbeknownst to us, our voices were carrying.

The instructor never yelled at us, but in the middle of the class, a disgruntled participant turned around and screamed at us, "Hey, she's trying to teach a class up here."

At this point, we kept quiet for most of the remainder of the class. We felt bad and were going to apologize to her and the teacher at the end of class for being disruptive. However, we were unable to do so, as we were ambushed by three other class participants.

One right after the other ranted at us like we were second-graders, telling us how rude we were. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this was loud and in front of several people, the instructor included, who all seemed to be embarrassed for their yelling and berating us for talking during a loud fitness class (which was not in any way, shape or form a class remotely like yoga or anything else restorative).

I know we were impolite to talk during the class, and I respect that they were entitled to address this with us, but honestly, is it necessary to be ambushed and yelled at in front of other people over and over?

Didn't the first person who loudly called us out for our offense do enough? Was it really necessary to have three more ladies be ... a word that rhymes with witchy? Were we wrong to be taken aback?

For the record, we politely replied, "We're sorry," and then "OK" after their repeated verbal lashings.

GENTLE READER: There is a reason that Miss Manners is not in the habit of deputizing passers-by: Too many are apt to forget their own manners when confronted with rudeness.

She appreciates that you are willing to apologize, but notes that your fellow students were correct in one thing -- your talking was rude not merely to the teacher, but also to the whole class. A quick "I'm sorry" to the room at the time would have been in order. Even if your rudeness may have prevented your classmates from getting their full exercise regimen, it does not justify them making up the difference by attacking you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a beautiful and charming English bull terrier, not a dog one sees every day. Occasionally, when we are out walking, curious people ask me about the breed.

I am a member of a breed club and am happy to answer most questions admirers have about this breed. But sometimes I am asked how much I paid for him, or how much a dog like this costs. I am uncomfortable replying, "It's none of your business" or "If you must ask ..."

Am I wrong to think this is a rude question to ask? What would Miss Manners recommend as a courteous reply?

GENTLE READER: "Bobo has become such a member of the family that I have not thought about it since he joined us. I'm sure you could find resources online."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young artist, and one of my art classes involves drawing all day in a famous natural history museum. The etiquette surrounding how to act around artists who are focused on their work seems to be varied.

I have talked to many of my fellow students who have expressed anger at the way they have been treated while working. A common issue is photographing artists working next to their subjects, especially including their work in the picture!

Artists are not zoo animals and have the right to be asked to be photographed -- not to mention not wanting their art to live forever in a stranger's memory card. If a patron enjoys the artist's work, please ask for their card or information.

Commenting on the work is fine for some (in my case, I appreciate it), but please try to remember that the artist is focused and does not want to be distracted by someone trying to instigate a full-on discussion of their subject matter!

GENTLE READER: Much as she would like to help, Miss Manners must point out that you work in a public place, doing something that is of particular interest to people who are there precisely because they want to look at what is also your subject matter.

It would not be a good sign if they ignored you, or asked you to move so that they could get a better view of the exhibits. And you are not indifferent to the possibility of admiration that would lead to your being asked for your card.

So please suggest that your fellow students drop their anger. Rather, they should devise "Artist at Work" signs that are so charming, both visually and in their instructions about not photographing or interrupting, that admirers will wait until they take a break to beg for their cards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do both the membership chair of my social group and the secretary of a semiprofessional organization I belong to, who have complete access to the membership roster, think that entitles them to keep sending me all these forwarded emails of "The cutest puppy dogs you'll ever see," or the "Nineteen architectural treasures of Hawaii," or all the other drivel they can find that they think will enrich my life?

I am so inclined to delete emails from them that I have missed some very significant information from each organization, such as meeting times, places and dates.

GENTLE READER: You must send out a mass email of your own.

The idea, Miss Manners hastens to point out, is not to retaliate; it is to gather support and soften the impact by generalizing the problem.

So not, "Having my address for the organization doesn't entitle you to waste my time with this idiocy," but: "Perhaps I am not the only member who is missing some important notices because of the mass-forwarded and other emails unrelated to our membership that land in my spam file. Could we please limit the use of the list for business matters?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)