DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise me on the proper way to eat spaghetti when a family of little kids and adults are informally around the dinner table.

Next, what's correct for a gathering of only adults? And finally, how should it all be done when there is a major formal place setting for each guest?

If they wish, others may go ahead and sing "Jam your right fork in, pull the oozy gooey out, twirl it high into the air, and catch it in your mouth" -- the "meatball on the floor and out the door" song. I only want to set a proper example.

GENTLE READER: That is noble of you, but Miss Manners pictures your relatives' pasta getting cold while they ponder what age qualifies as adulthood, or what degree of formality requires which approach.

You are in dire need of a unified spaghetti policy. And please stop tempting chaos with jingles.

The correct method does not involve a spoon. It is necessary to state that, because Americans of Italian descent often argue that it does. Bracing the tines of the fork against a spoon is considered rather crude (although not as crude as your song) in Italy.

Rather, the fork should be planted, tines down, against the plate, and rotated so that the spaghetti is wound around it. Those pesky strands that refuse to wind can be cut with the side of the fork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have to meet with people in a social setting occasionally that is not of my choosing; they don't like me and I don't like them.

If I don't offer my hand for a handshake and they offer theirs, is it proper to just say hello and ignore the proffered hand?

I'm sure their feelings won't be hurt, but don't really care if they are, and I get resentful at myself for being a fake or phony for shaking hands with people that I don't like.

GENTLE READER: Refusing to shake someone's extended hand without offering an apologetic excuse (such as a medical problem or religious prohibition) is a severe insult.

But then, that is what Miss Manners understands that you hope to deliver. You just don't want to accept the consequences of delivering a public slight that might provoke retaliation from the victims.

Perhaps you are right that some people will not understand the insult, or will be generous enough to assume that you don't understand having given one. That does not make the prospect of your chortling to yourself any less unpleasant. And it runs the risk of a scene that would embarrass your hosts. At most, Miss Manners will allow you to get away with a slight coolness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How to respond to a young man when he asks to marry your daughter? It is a yes answer.

GENTLE READER: Well, then, say yes.

Traditionally, this is the occasion to grill the prospect on his ability to support your daughter in the manner in which she is, or hopes to become, accustomed. However, Miss Manners must warn you that nowadays this could lead to an even less pleasant session with your daughter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was introduced to a young dandy about my age who had worn his feathered fedora during a church wedding and was now wearing it at the reception.

Presumably I was expected to concur with his being introduced as "the most dapperest man I know" and to immediately compliment his attire.

Do you have a better retort than the one I used: "Gosh, you are so well-dressed. Foolish me, failing to protect my eyes from the blinding rays of that chandelier."

GENTLE READER: "Most dapperest"? A man wearing a hat indoors seems to Miss Manners to be the most rudest. There was no need for you to comment at all. Just a weak smile and innocuous comment about the wedding would have sufficed -- until you were able to make a polite getaway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended the opening performance of a major orchestra. We had excellent seats (the second box in the first balcony) and were seated with five other couples that we did not know.

Three of those five couples spoke multiple times during the orchestra's performance of Mahler's Second Symphony. I was at a loss about what to do. Whispering during movies is so common now that I know that I've lost that battle, but I'm not ready to give up the fight at a performance of one of the finest orchestras in the world.

Would it be appropriate to make a general statement to our box before the performance begins? I'm thinking of something like this: "I'm sure nobody in this box would think of it, but let's all agree not to whisper to our companions during the performance."

Or would it be more appropriate to wait for the intermission and speak directly to anyone who has spoken during the first piece?

GENTLE READER: The best defense is a good offense (look at Miss Manners getting all sporty), but that said, the approach you're considering is just slightly condescending and prissy. Those with rebellious leanings might want to defy you just for the fun of it.

Instead, you might tell a cautionary tale of the aforementioned event in which people were so brazen as to speak during the performance (presuming the current attendants were not among them). This will make your point without directly implicating your new companions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS? Do you think that wearing sunglasses and/or a headset when you visit friends at their home is appropriate? Walking down the street, is it appropriate to wear your headset while listening to music or answering the phone?

My friend thinks it's OK because that's the way he was brought up. When I tried to explain to him that it's rude, he got upset at me.

GENTLE READER: Goodness knows that the way one was brought up isn't an excuse for rude behavior. It is often, as in this case, the culprit.

Wearing a headset or sunglasses while in someone's home is impolite (unless the latter is for medical reasons). Walking down the street with them is not, although Miss Manners warns against playing music so loudly that you can't hear oncoming traffic -- or your friends giving you misinformation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Spontaneity is often referred to as the "spice of life." I love being spontaneous, if I can.

But now I'm being spontaneously called on with increasing frequency for a variety of meetings by a person who may become a business partner. The first time, I rearranged another engagement to meet with her spontaneously. By the third time, I said no. I couldn't rearrange my schedule.

I feel that she doesn't value and respect my time. What should I tell her the next time she asks me to appear spontaneously?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, spontaneity is less charming when it is used to justify rudeness (as it often is to explain not answering social invitations).

Miss Manners would hope that a prospective business partner would also value reliability and respect. But if that is not the case, why allow her to endanger your other professional relationships? Next time she asks, tell her, with charming spontaneity, that while you would love to, you have a prior commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the type of person whom people confide in. Hopefully this is because I am discreet and comforting.

But when the confidence becomes public -- a serious illness, a divorce, a job promotion or departure -- I am often asked if I was aware of the situation. I am at a loss as to how to respond.

I truly have no problem lying and saying, "No." This, however, became an issue in the past when it was discovered that I did know and had lied to a friend about this fact.

How can I respond to what I think are inappropriate queries in a way that is relatively honest but not indicative of the trust placed in me?

I've tried evasion. "It is unfortunate, but he is doing well now." "I think she will land on her feet with a new position." That sort of thing. Yet, this never seems to do the trick, and the pressing about my "in-the-know" position continues.

GENTLE READER: Assuming you were too discreet to tell a third party about the confidence, Miss Manners surmises that your having known could only have been revealed through a slip on the part of another confidant -- or of the confidee.

The correct response to the nosy person is misdirection: "I know it was a difficult time for him, and I know how much he appreciates being able to confide in his friends." If your inquisitor does not understand, you could state coldly that you do not know how much your friend would want you to say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The owner of our company will often forward emails to us (staff), and all she will type is "Please handle" or sometimes just "Handle." I perceive both of these as rather rude, but I want to make sure that I'm not just simply too sensitive to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: The former, though brief, is a complete thought -- and nearly a complete sentence. As such, it receives Miss Manners's approval. The latter does not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)