DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught in grade school by my music teacher that it is disrespectful to clap after the singing of the "The Star-Spangled Banner." I have not clapped after the national anthem in more than 30 years. Is that wrong?

GENTLE READER: You were taught correctly. It is an anthem, sung for the glory of the country, rather than to amuse the listeners or to congratulate oneself on having remembered the words, if not the tune.

However, as in the case of people who wear flag-themed clothing, Miss Manners notes that many have come to believe that ignoring the rules of respect is somehow indicative of patriotism.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of about eight years asked me to help her plan her daughter's wedding. I went to many venues and florist appointments with her. I was so excited about this wedding and her sharing the planning with me. I thought I was so special.

As we were driving to lunch the other day, she told me about how she had worked for over seven hours to do the seating chart and how I was going to be so mad at her.

I am acquainted with many of her friends, and we have a couple of mutual friends we both socialize with, all of whom will be at the wedding. She explained that she is so sorry, but she just didn't know what else to do with me, "so I put you at the table with my household staff."

I feel I must have misinterpreted our relationship greatly. I feel at this point if I go, it will not be with a joyful heart but as a duty. I emailed her expressing my apology that we would not be attending (the wedding is still three weeks away).

She left me a message stating that she would never force me to do anything I did not want to do, and how she was hurt and found it disrespectful of me not to call her and talk about it. She said she and her husband worked all night to find another appropriate table for me and my husband.

She also raised her voice in another message and asked what was wrong with me to upset her at this time. Goodness, why would I want to go to a wedding where I do not feel welcome?

GENTLE READER: Indeed -- although wicked Miss Manners might have been tempted to take advantage of the seating to pump the household staff for gossip.

Miss Manners' advice now depends greatly on what reason -- if any -- you gave as to why you would not attend. If you gave none (generally the best option, as it doesn't tangle you up in excuses and half-truths), then keep telling her that you are so sorry, but that you simply cannot attend.

If you told her the truth -- that you felt that you were being treated poorly -- then tell her that you didn't realize that having you there was so important to her and that now you've made other plans (which may actually mean plans to make plans).

In any case, a friend who raises her voice and doesn't mind treating you like an employee -- no matter how important she deems the occasion -- is probably not one that you are sorry to lose.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman in her early 20s whose friends are being proposed to and becoming engaged. I have noticed that when these young ladies present their happy news in social settings, the other women ask to see the ring. When the ring is obligingly passed around, many women try it on.

I seem to be the only one who doesn't do so. I have always assumed that the engagement ring was something that a woman other than whom it was presented to was not to try on, since it is ostensibly a symbol of the promise between the happy couple to be wed.

My friends say it doesn't matter as long as the lady who owns it has passed it around, since that signals that the other ladies may try it on their hands, but I am not quite so certain. Am I wrong to simply admire the ring in my hand (rested on the palm) rather than on it?

GENTLE READER: Ladies old enough to wed should have emerged from the Show and Tell Years, but apparently many have not. Passing around the engagement ring is only slightly more decorous than passing around the bridegroom.

When it gets to you, Miss Manners encourages you to express admiration, but you are under no obligation to bite it, try it on or ask the price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I attend a cocktail party in a friend's or acquaintance's home, and I know from the past that wine will be served in disposable plastic cups and food will be served with plastic forks on paper plates, is there any chance in the world that I can get away with bringing my own mess kit?

I've done it at street festivals and it's fairly discreet, though it does attract some attention. I carry a small collapsible stainless steel cup wherever I go, and I wonder if it would be acceptable to use at parties.

I can think of several arguments for this practice and several against. I do wonder if I might be at more of an advantage trying this now, rather than five or 10 or 20 years ago; now the trend is to appreciate efforts toward "greening."

GENTLE READER: Much as she loathes eating from soggy plates with fragile forks, and drinking from crackable cups, Miss Manners is even more opposed to criticizing one's host -- even by implication, and even in the name of saving the planet. The clear indication of your mess kit is that visiting that person's home is like camping out.

Besides, there is no chance in the world that producing a collapsible cup at a cocktail party can be done so discreetly as to make it acceptable. The ban does not extend to the street fair, for which there is no host to offend, and at which pitching camp may go unnoticed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months ago, I was in a serious car accident. I am recovering well, but the accident has left me with lingering pain and mobility issues.

At least a dozen friends and family members have felt the need to tell me how "lucky" I am that the outcome was not worse.

While I am, of course, grateful not to be dead or paralyzed, it is not pleasant to be tired and in pain, and I find it a little difficult to smile and agree that yes, I am lucky.

Is there a polite way to let people know that these sentiments, while well-meaning, may come across as thoughtless and hurtful? I've come dangerously close to snapping, "If I were lucky, none of this would have happened in the first place!" but perhaps you can suggest a more elegant approach.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, a car crash. Some people have all the luck.

Miss Manners agrees that this all-too-common response to the troubles of others is peculiarly annoying. Notice that these people are not expressing their own relief and gratitude that you were not killed. They are directing you to do so.

It is true that nearly any situation could, theoretically, be better or worse. Cheerful people often tell themselves that misfortunes could have been worse (while others make themselves miserable by complaining that their good fortunes are never enough). But it is not for others to say.

A milder version of your rejoinder would be, "Well, I wish you even better luck than I have had."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An out-of-town friend invited my daughter and me to dinner. My daughter's boyfriend ended up joining us for the trip, and I told my friend of the boyfriend's addition and gave her the option of withdrawing her offer, as I did not want to invite guests to her party.

My friend said all three of us were welcome. Thinking I would reduce the stress and expense on the hostess, I told her I would bring bread, fruit, wine and dessert.

The hostess did not "hear" my offer. I do not know or care if it was intentional or not, as it was certainly well within her "rights" as hostess to do so. She had a full meal and dessert for us and sent me home with all my "gifts" and the kindest of words.

Since my friend was a true hostess, I am now in a position of having offered her nothing in return for her generosity except my thanks. Circumstances make it unlikely I can ever return her hospitality with dinner at my house. I am not complaining, but want to make it right.

How do I (1) apologize for not allowing her to be a proper hostess in the first instance by trying to supply half the dinner, and (2) thank her for being such a generous and gracious hostess?

GENTLE READER: You write her a letter extolling her graciousness, and express the hope that she will visit you in your town. You could also, if you wish, send flowers or a little present.

Miss Manners is just glad that you seem to have learned the lesson that you cannot repay hospitality by usurping it. You meant well, but bringing part of the meal without authorization from the hostess is neither helpful nor flattering.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)