DEAR MISS MANNERS: Prior to a weekend at a friend's vacation home with several other guests, our hostess sent word that we should plan on some time in the hot tub.

When the time came to jump in, I politely declined and said that I would sit nearby and enjoy their company from outside the hot tub.

My hostess would not leave me alone. She badgered me to join in. For other hostesses who won't take no for an answer, I want to share some reasons people do not want to get in the hot tub.

(1) I am currently in the middle of a herpes episode and don't want to expose everyone else.

(2) I recently had surgery and have a drainage tube in my stomach.

(3) I am a bit of a germaphobe and don't want to sit in a swirling tepid pool of your sweat and shedding dead skin.

(4) I am incontinent and have to wear a diaper.

Hopefully, a future host or hostess will read this and will understand that when a guest says, "No thanks," the proper reply is, "I understand; however, if you change your mind we would love to have you join us."

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please, while Miss Manners collects herself. She has much too vivid a picture of the other guests frantically splashing their way out of the tub as you recite this list.

Not that you would do so, of course. But it is a powerful argument against the faux hospitality -- actually rudeness -- of badgering one's guests.

However, you are not blameless here. The hostess told you in advance that a sojourn in the hot tub was part of her plan. That is the moment in which you should have said, "Would it be all right if I sat that out?"

Had she begun haranguing you then, you could have said, "I don't want to spoil the weekend, so perhaps we had better get together another time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today's etiquette is changing. If I remember correctly, in "the olden days" ladies were not expected to remove their hats during the presentation of our flag and/or the singing of our national anthem.

Although I am a "modern woman," the old ways remain a part of my life (e.g., I anticipate a gentleman will open the door for me). As a consequence, I did not remove my ball cap for the singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a recent baseball game.

I was criticized for my disrespect. I do not disrespect the flag or my country. I told the others I would inquire about the current standard.

GENTLE READER: In those olden days, as Miss Manners recalls, ladies did not wear baseball caps.

If you had been wearing a large confection decorated with flowers and birds, you might have invoked that rule -- only to fall afoul of the one against blocking the view of those behind you. A unisex hat should be removed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are each psychologists. Not infrequently, when new people meet us for the first time in social settings, they say something along the lines of, "Whoa, I better be careful around you ... are you analyzing me?"

We are not the ones who initiate this career talk. I typically try to put them at ease by a lighthearted comment along the lines of, "Oh don't worry, thankfully I'm off the clock right now."

We don't like the feeling of being put on the defensive so soon into a new encounter, nor the assumptions it makes about an intrusive -- rather than a helpful -- intention in our professional work. And so we would appreciate any suggestions about how to approach these comments that seem to stifle, rather than open, a friendly dialogue with new people.

GENTLE READER: Oh, the many times that Miss Manners' own enthusiasm for new acquaintances has been deflated by their saying that they had better "watch their manners" in front of her, rather than engage in actual conversation.

In her case, these tedious quips miss the point entirely: that the biggest breach of etiquette would be to point out bad manners at a social occasion. Just as you would never analyze and assess someone without a formal agreement, Miss Manners saves her behavioral critiques for when she is asked politely in writing.

She encourages you to continue as you have, perhaps adding -- as she has -- that you wouldn't dream of conflating professional assessments with social conversation. You might accompany this reply with a progressively weaker smile if the tactic is pursued.

Unfortunately, every profession is burdened with similar awkward exchanges and demands (doctors are asked medical advice, actors are called upon to act). So on all of our behalves, Miss Manners heartily thanks you for the opportunity to express the limited charm of such remarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were just invited, one week before the event, via social media, with no details, to our niece's 3-month-old son's baptism.

We were never contacted about the birth, but saw on social media that she had a son. No other details have been provided, and we never received even so much as a telephone call from her or her parents.

What gift, if any, is appropriate? We are always excited about a new baby no matter what the circumstance, but we are in a bit of a quandary. And, do we reply by social media?

GENTLE READER: You may, but Miss Manners would advise you to contact the parents or the new mother herself to send your best wishes. At that time, you can ask if there is anything the new parents might need, although a present is optional.

Even if you feel affronted -- as well you might -- any real future communication will clearly have to be initiated by you. In this age where communication is universal, but not personal, it is up to the polite few to model good behavior and forge actual connections. Particularly if you want to meet this baby before he is able to send the social media notices himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a host's obligation to warn a guest when things won't be as the guest expects?

For example, hearing this upon arrival: We were going to get a mattress but we didn't, so here's the floor.

Or: By the way, I didn't tell you that I have three roommates, each of whom has two guests, for the one bathroom we share.

Or: The guest bathroom doesn't work, but feel free to use the one in our bedroom (with the aggressive dog that barks loudly if you walk in there at 3 a.m.).

For one offer, I asked about this beforehand, joking that if they had four kids and eight cats, I'd get a room. But if you are already there, is it rude to suggest you would prefer to stay somewhere else, and how do you do this without giving offense?

GENTLE READER: Hosts who do not provide accessible bathrooms to overnight guests run risks that Miss Manners would rather not contemplate. It is certainly not polite.

A guest may say: "Thank you so much. I completely understand. Rather than inconvenience everyone, we are happy to stay at the hotel down the road." But there is still the risk that the host will take offense. The decision to decamp should therefore be balanced against the severity of the inconvenience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father just passed away on Wednesday and was buried on Saturday. I was sick all week from the flu and did not attend.

My family is upset and giving me a hard time about it, saying I should have gone and just sat in back away from everyone. I say other than feeling bad, I should not have gone and spread germs to the people attending.

Who is correct, and should sick people attend funerals? What do I say to my family and friends who question why I did not go?

GENTLE READER: There are a number of things that, while perhaps true, you should definitely not say. Being on death's door yourself is an excellent reason not to attend a funeral.

But anything less will be heard, by those looking to criticize, as a variation on, "I didn't feel up to it." Your family and friends will then naturally wonder if there is any time that one actually wants to attend a funeral. Or at least any time when one can publicly admit it. Your only correct response to your family is, "It broke my heart that I wasn't able to go."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend, not best friend, whose husband passed away five years ago. Since then, she has asked me to make contributions to her two favorite cancer charities, one in the spring and the second in the fall. She also wants participation in cancer races and walks.

It is not reciprocal. I have never asked her to donate to my favorite cancer cause because I think you don't ask friends for money more than once for charity, if that. I write my own checks. I think she is taking advantage of the friendship. How can I stop giving her money without damaging the friendship?

GENTLE READER: With the firm but polite statement that you already donate money to a cancer cause. If this does not stop the appeals, Miss Manners would say that the friendship is already damaged.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)