DEAR MISS MANNERS: The museum I work for is having what they call a "gala." They are sending invitations to the event, but charging for the admissions, and there will be a cash bar.

Is that appropriate?? The museum does not need the money. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: A museum that does not need money? Miss Manners' head is reeling. She gathers that you do not work in its financial office.

It is certainly true that business and social customs have become dreadfully mixed, to the detriment of both realms. Work often requires compulsory pseudo-socializing, such as birthday parties and after-hours drinking, while private life can come with demands for direct contributions from guests, whether in food or cash.

But what you describe is at least a frank fundraiser, unlike, for example, a wedding that pretends to be purely social and yet asks the guests to contribute money to something like a "honeymoon fund."

In contrast to an invitation from friends or relatives that turns out to have a price tag, the gala offers a straight deal. Those who buy tickets are not fooled into thinking they are being invited out of friendship. They know that they are paying, as well as making a contribution to the museum, in return for an evening out.

So the comparison should be more like that of a restaurant or club, where people understand that they may or may not choose to pay to be entertained.

Still, there are other dangers here that Miss Manners can imagine would occur when the distinction between business and society is obfuscated:

Supporters of the museum may push their social contacts to buy tickets. But such pressure is an unfortunate fact of modern life, and must be resisted. In any case, the mere existence of the paid gala is not to blame.

Or perhaps you feel pressured by your employers to buy tickets. In that case, you might make a counteroffer of being on-site staff for the event. You could also ask your employers for a raise so that you could afford to buy such entertainment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the appropriate time to thank someone for a gift they sent in advance of an event?

I have several long-distance friends who sent wedding gifts two months before the wedding. I've thanked them over email and acknowledged their generous gift.

I am waiting to send them a formal thank-you card, the kind with our picture on it, from the wedding. We bought this package from the photographer, but obviously the event hasn't happened yet so we haven't chosen a photo.

Should I send them a regular thank-you note now, and the formal one after the wedding? What about guests who sent a gift in advance who told us they could not attend? Should they be thanked twice? I suppose it never hurts to be overly thankful.

GENTLE READER: It is touching to know how eager bridal couples believe their guests are to receive their wedding portraits. Miss Manners can assure you that they are much more anxious to know that their presents arrived and were duly appreciated.

You certainly can thank people as often as you like. But the correct response to such a formal present is an immediate handwritten letter when it arrives. After that, you may send out as many emails and photographs as you like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend surprised me with a book as a gift. As it happened, I already owned a copy of that book, and had read and enjoyed it.

This book was not a best-seller -- far from it -- and my friend could not have expected that. So I laughed at the coincidence and told him the whole truth.

He looked a little chagrined, so I did my best to soften the blow. I praised the gift lavishly -- it really was an excellent book -- and I praised him for knowing the exact kind of book I would like. But I didn't see any point in owning two copies, so I didn't take it. ("Refused" sounds like such a harsh word!) I left it with him (we were at his house at the time) and recommended he keep it and read it himself, or give it to someone else.

By the way, it was not my birthday or any other special occasion. I wasn't expecting a gift at all. I think he just happened to run across a book that was "right up my alley," so to speak, and decided to buy it for me.

Looking back on it, I wonder if I should have accepted the book. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That you won't be receiving more gifts from this gentleman any time soon.

Yes, Miss Manners confirms your better instinct, that you should have accepted the book. The "whole truth" in reaction to receiving a gift is rarely necessary. The polite thing to do would have been to thank him profusely for his thoughtfulness, say that you know about how good the book is, and then change the subject.

If he directly asks you if you have read it, then you can confess, but even then, you needn't confess voluntarily to owning a copy. As he did not ask, it is up to your discretion to figure out what to do with the second copy, not his.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the party for my seventh birthday was planned, my mother cautioned me that since I had not invited everyone in my class, I was not to discuss the party at school. I could see the sense of this.

Now that I'm an adult, however, two different friends have regaled me with plans for future events with no invitation offered.

I have two questions -- is my mother's instruction now outdated? And how should I behave if this happens again?

GENTLE READER: Your mother's instruction is certainly not outdated -- nor is the impeccable child-rearing she did. Miss Manners commends you both.

If your friends tell you about events to which you are not invited, you may say, "That sounds like fun. I hope your guests enjoy it."

Sadly, this lesson has been lost on the generation that posts their parties on social media and then wonders why their friends get insulted. Clearly they do not have mothers as wise as yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I took my 5-year-old to the pediatrician for a physical, the child was playing a video game on my phone while waiting for the doctor.

The doctor knocked, came in, said "Hi" with a smile. He looked at my kid and while saying, "Hi, how are you doing?" he took the phone from my kid's hands without asking.

I was offended. I do not think this is appropriate to do to anyone, not even a child. He should have said: "Hey, buddy, we need to pay attention now. Let's leave the game for another time."

I did not say anything because I don't want to strain the patient-doctor relationship and because he is a good doctor. Still, I want to point this out to him so that he minds his manners. My child should not get used to adults being disrespectful toward him.

How should I have communicated my discomfort to the doctor about his behavior without making the next visit awkward?

GENTLE READER: It has been Miss Manners' experience that professionals who spend time around children understand their desire to be treated like adults, but your pediatrician seems instead to have modeled his own manners on those of a child.

Very well. Ask the doctor for the phone, and then show it to your child in front of the pediatrician, saying, "Dylan, the doctor would appreciate it if you would put your phone away so that he can examine you."

A good pediatrician will recognize a parent modeling good behavior. Dylan, who did nothing wrong, will be irritated, but you can explain it to him in the car on the way home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that when I receive an invitation for dinner at a friend's house, the host should specify upfront whether my boyfriend is included in the invitation. If he is not included, I can accept or decline without consulting my boyfriend or asking the host to include him, which occasionally leads to hurt feelings on my boyfriend's part.

Is it possible to politely ask if I may bring my boyfriend in a way that doesn't put the host on the spot? And is it possible to politely tell someone that I want them to attend solo without hurting their feelings or their partner's feelings? I usually avoid inviting someone who might be offended by my asking them to come solo.

GENTLE READER: The way to ask if you may bring your boyfriend without putting your host on the spot is to decline the invitation.

Miss Manners realizes this is confusing. Explain that while you would love to attend, you have promised to spend the evening with him. Your host may then choose whether to accept your answer or modify the invitation to include your boyfriend.

And the way to entertain half of an established couple is to do so at lunch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm planning to give a pair of tickets to an event to a friend for his birthday, but don't want him to feel obligated to invite me as his guest to the event. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: If you are asking how to ensure that your friend does not invite you, Miss Manners suggests you tell him that you know how much he will enjoy the event --because you have already seen it.

If your actual question is how to have him invite you without your having to appear to be applying pressure, she suggests you either give the tickets without comment, or select a different present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)