DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has become common to see adults at the dinner table holding their forks or spoons in their fists, much like a children who are just learning to feed themselves. Am I wrong to find the sight of this off-putting? Does it matter how one holds their fork or spoon?

GENTLE READER: The larger question is: Should it matter?

Miss Manners is thoroughly sick of the fact that when people disparage etiquette -- forgetting how much they hate being treated rudely -- they accuse it of a petty preoccupation with the choice and use of forks. That is only one branch of the vast reach of etiquette, which covers all behavior that affects other people.

But eating rituals, as any anthropologist can attest, are a deeply emotional part of civilization. Sophisticated travelers know that gross violations of other cultures' eating habits are fatal to any welcome for which they might hope.

Oddly, some of the same people who respect foreign rituals are indifferent or even contemptuous of their own. Whom would they offend?

Well, in your case, you -- and many others, even though they do so unawares. So yes, it does matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who has been abandoned by my former "couple" friends and am trying to rebuild my life. Several weeks ago I invited two separate, similarly situated women whom I have recently become acquainted with to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my daughter and me. Both of them were noncommittal, and I did not press them for an answer.

I had planned a simple dinner if it was just going to be the two of us, but would have made something more elaborate if we were going to have guests. Two days before Thanksgiving, one of them telephoned to see how I was doing but did not mention Thanksgiving dinner, so I didn't either.

Should I have asked her if she was coming? (It would have been inconvenient to change the menu on such short notice.) Or was it my obligation to follow up with both of them earlier?

There is another holiday coming up soon, and I want to be better prepared when issuing invitations. What could I have done better?

GENTLE READER: Surely it is your targeted guests who could have done better. Much better.

Being noncommittal is not a decent response to an offer of hospitality. Miss Manners does not consider it the host's duty to probe for an answer, but, sadly, that is the only way to get one from rude people. She recommends countering hedging by treating it as the negative response that it really is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is in a public high school where there is large disparity between incomes from some of the poorest to some of the wealthiest in the United States. While this is a known fact of the school, I have recently found myself in the uncomfortable position where women from the wealthy side of the freeway ask me what street we live on, fishing to determine if we live in their "acceptable" area. Their questioning starts with street, continues on to parameters of the neighborhood, old house or rebuilt, and how many updates we've made to the "old" house.

How do I shut this down in the beginning? It's not just friendly chitchat, and they are clearly not being as stealthy as they think they are.

GENTLE READER: "I live within the parameters of the school neighborhood. Aren't we all lucky to be within its borders?"

And then change the subject to how the parents can be further involved in the betterment of the school. Surely, that will be a source of much more material, if not actual interest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our family is hosting Thanksgiving dinner for family friends. Every year when we meet for Thanksgiving, the mother of one of the families insists we take a walk before the dessert course.

However, as the hosts, my family prefers other options, such as playing board games. Do you think this is our responsibility as hosts to take a walk with her?

GENTLE READER: Surely the traditional division of Thanksgiving guests is those who fall asleep after the meal, those who want to watch television and those who get stuck doing the dishes. Miss Manners wouldn't think that you would have to deal with middle-of-the-meal demands.

And you do not. The hosts need only promise to save a dessert for anyone who wants to go out for a walk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Throughout my career and in my personal life, I have sent handwritten notes/letters to colleagues, friends and relatives to thank them for gifts and kind acts, and to offer congratulations or condolences as circumstances arise.

At a family gathering, I overheard a small group of young adult relatives mocking my habit. They feel it is pretentious of me to send written thanks after having already thanked a relative in person for a birthday or holiday gift, and proclaimed it "creepy" that, after the sudden death of a close relative, I wrote condolence letters to his wife, brother, mother and stepfather.

They are not aware I overheard these remarks, and I have attended subsequent family gatherings without letting on, but their words haunt me, and I feel hurt and embarrassed. Is my practice incorrect? Should I stop sending handwritten thank-you notes and letters of condolence to my relatives?

GENTLE READER: Please tell Miss Manners that you do not really suspect your expressions of gratitude and sympathy of being wrong, on the opinion of people who sneer at graciousness.

Their attitude is common among those who want to justify their own indifference to the feelings of those who are generous or bereaved. You should certainly not allow them to persuade you to be equally coarse.

However, if you have occasion to write to one of the relatives who took part in that conversation, you might open your letter by saying, "I know you may consider it 'creepy' of me to write, but I dearly want to express my sincere gratitude/appreciation ..."

If nothing else, this will instruct them to watch what they say in crowds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. I know I will start to show soon, and a few of my co-workers have already tried to touch my stomach. I have heard horror stories of pregnant women being touched by complete strangers in public.

What is a polite way to explain to a stranger that I don't want my stomach touched in a way that educates them so they don't try touching the next pregnant person they see?

GENTLE READER: Scream.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We hosted my mother-in-law last year for Thanksgiving, and she indicated she wanted to come again this year. While I wasn't necessarily planning on inviting her, there is always enough food, so I explained that if she'd like to come there's room at the table.

Now she's telling everyone in the family that I "begged" for her to come, but this just simply isn't true. My husband's relationship with her is already strained due to her overly dramatic style. Do I address this with her or leave it? I'm at an absolute loss.

GENTLE READER: About how to tell your mother-in-law, and maybe everyone else, that while you are tolerating her presence, you wouldn't dream of begging her to attend?

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

Miss Manners fails to understand what harm it does for the lady to tell the family that you welcome her. She would even suggest that you do beg her. As she is going to show up anyway, you have nothing to lose, and perhaps a pleasanter Thanksgiving to gain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a very big fan of most wines, but I do enjoy port. When I go out to eat, is it appropriate to order a dessert wine like port or sherry during the main course?

Also, if it is all right to drink port with dinner, how do I politely explain to the waiter that I know what I am ordering? I've had two waiters tell me that I should select something else for dinner, even though I was quite certain of what I wanted.

GENTLE READER: "All right" with whom?

Granted, these are not the conventional choices to drink with dinner. But you go to a restaurant to buy a meal. Surely you should choose a meal that you will enjoy.

Miss Manners is not going to discourage you from doing that, nor do those waiters mean to do so. You need only thank them for their offer of advice and repeat that what you have selected is what you prefer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years I would host Thanksgiving and Easter dinners in my home. People would ask if they could bring anything, and I always said no because I feel that if you invite people to your home, the host puts on the dinner.

My nephew hosts Thanksgiving now, and he has asked me what I'm bringing. I don't mind bringing a dish to pass, but feel I should offer. My niece feels that to accept an invitation without bringing a dish to pass is rude. Have I missed something?

GENTLE READER: You have missed the current notion that every meal is a cooperative venture, and that bringing a dish cancels the need to reciprocate. Miss Manners keeps trying to bat down this trend in favor of true hospitality, but so far with little success.

There is, however, historical precedent, as well as modern custom, for Thanksgiving's being a joint endeavor. So while you should have a say in what you bring while acknowledging the chief planner's need to balance the menu, this is not the best holiday to be annoyed at the request.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)