DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that one is not supposed to point out lapses in polite behavior to others. But how can one hope to change questionable behavior in others without breaking this rule?

My significant other and I often go to happy hours instead of dining more formally. This practice takes us to bars. When we approach the bar, my partner seats himself comfortably and waits for me to squeeze in beside him, regardless of the number of occupied stools.

Is he breaking any rules? I feel that he is, but I do not point this out to him due to rule one, not pointing out lapses in others. Can you help me?

GENTLE READER: It's called "Honey, would you mind ...?"

It is true that Miss Manners is rules-crazy, because she doesn't want people making up their own etiquette, which, oddly enough, always turns out to favor them at the expense of others. As you know, she wants that particular rule obeyed.

But if your Other is as Significant as you say, surely he would want to please you. And if couples were not allowed an occasional plea of "Honey, I know you don't mean it, but there's something that drives me crazy," the divorce rate would be approximately 100 percent.

Notice that this phrasing does not tax the other person with the rudeness of breaking a rule. It merely states a personal request. If you do this as you are headed to the bar -- "This time, would you mind letting me get seated first? It's awkward trying to slip in beside you" -- you should be able to accomplish your objective even more gently.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know someone who is in the late stages of a terminal illness. This person received one of those colorful, lovely animated email greeting cards from a close family member. The e-card wished the "Best New Year for 2017."

The recipient was shocked that someone would send such a thing. Even if it was the result of a thoughtless failure to edit a mass mailing list, it seems a horrible breach of manners. The recipient was very hurt and said so.

GENTLE READER: In this situation, there is no time left for such misunderstandings, Miss Manners would think. Perhaps the card sender thought of this as wishing for the best possible year under the circumstances.

But no matter. Please tell that person about the patient's reaction, which you might gently characterize as a misinterpretation, so that amends can be made.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to wear a white tie and waistcoat with a conventional tuxedo? Or must they only be worn with a tailcoat?

GENTLE READER: A fundamental misunderstanding about gentlemen's evening clothes, for which Miss Manners blames movie stars, is that they should display the creativity of the wearer.

Wrong. That's for ladies. Gentlemen should rather be noted for their correctness and tailoring. And the correct tie and optional waistcoat that go with the tuxedo are black, which is why it is properly called "black tie"; while for "white tie," which features the tailcoat, the tie and waistcoat are white.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the only one who is uncomfortable when the person on the other end of a telephone call does a loud Archie Bunker-type flush in the middle of the conversation? It makes me feel like I am in the bathroom with the individual.

GENTLE READER? Indeed. "Oh dear, I seem to have caught you at a bad time. Perhaps I should try you later when you are not quite so indisposed."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college roommate and I have remained close friends over the years. She called to tell me that she was engaged and was planning a small wedding next fall. As this is a second marriage for both, her plan is to keep the ceremony and reception small, with only family and very close friends.

I was happy with her news and offered to host a small dinner before the wedding. She seemed thrilled and accepted with much expressed gratitude.

As the wedding approaches, my former roommate and I have talked about the various plans going on, as well as my dinner. At the end of a follow-up call, she said: "Invitations have gone in the mail today, and while you are invited to the wedding, your husband is not. I really don't care for him."

I was at a loss for words and ended the call. We have been close friends for 40 years and have named children after each other. I'm in a state of shock.

What should I tell my husband, and what advice do you have for me?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is far from justifying this atrocious behavior, she is hoping, for your sake, that this woman is suffering from an acute case of a common, if unacceptable, affliction: bridal monstrosity. Surely when she comes to her senses, she will apologize profusely.

But Miss Manners would be happy to help you speed up that process by suggesting you say in your most measured tone, "Well, I am afraid that my husband and I come as a set, something I'm sure you and Travis would want to be considered once you are married. And I'll assume, therefore, that you won't be wanting us to host the dinner, since my husband and the house also come together."

If the first statement doesn't wake her up, surely the cancellation of the party, for which she expressed so much gratitude, will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks that he is the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity.

Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: What a helpmate you must be to your husband. Does he also help you by deflating your colleagues or acquaintances?

Miss Manners' suggestion of a comeback to bragging is "How nice for you." As your husband is this person's employer, you might add, "I've heard so much about you," without consenting to elaborate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a singer and performer, young and female. Many times after a show, people -- especially men -- will come up and tell me how much they liked my performance. They also hint that they would like to be "better acquainted" with me.

Sometimes they'll start becoming regular fans, only to stop attending after two or three shows, once it is clear that I will not reciprocate their affections.

This confusion extends not only to fans, but to colleagues. The music world is not like an office, with a clear hierarchy -- success means weaving your way through a web of fellow musicians, engineers, bookers, etc. More than once, I've had someone tell me they were really interested in co-writing with me, booking me, etc., but once we're alone it's clear the motives were otherwise.

How can I be professional and friendly in this world, get things done, be taken seriously as a musician, not alienate fans or colleagues -- but not feel like I'm running a gantlet all the time? It's completely exhausting.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners cannot change your colleagues' behavior, she can help you manage it with one word: homework.

Treat the requests as genuine, while limiting your interactions to the unflinchingly professional. If a colleague offers to co-write, ask him to send you samples of his own work. A would-be agent can be told you would be thrilled to discuss any offers and would like to look over the details before meeting to discuss them. Fans should be added to the mailing list, not the backstage admittance list. Better to be thought clueless than to be bullied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you eat mashed potatoes with a fork or a spoon?

GENTLE READER: A fork. If you need a spoon, the food you are eating is potato-flavored butter. Miss Manners does not recommend that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I purchased our first home last September, a beautiful house on a corner lot.

Well, then we had an unwelcome surprise. Almost every week, we have a new sign in our yard advertising for someone's garage sale.

I have not had one person ask my wife or me if they could place a sign in our yard; they just do it as if this is acceptable. I would never dream of placing anything in someone's yard without their consent. Whenever I see a new sign, I take it and throw it in the trash. Am I obligated to advertise other people's garage sales just because I have a corner lot?

GENTLE READER: You are under no such obligation, but barring the appearance of a sign- and mallet-wielding neighbor while you are out watering the petunias, some method of remote education is clearly necessary. This unfortunately means a sign of your own.

Miss Manners prefers the polite ("Please do not post signs on the lawn") to the peremptory ("Private Property. No Advertising"). And yes, she appreciates the irony.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)