DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is very ill, and we have all been put on alert for her passing away. According to the doctors, it will happen in a few weeks. We are preparing mentally for this.

My mother-in-law and I have never been close or friendly. She has always said disparaging things about me to my face and behind my back. Consequently, my in-laws have treated me as an outsider.

While not glad for her passing -- and wanting to be supportive of my spouse -- I don’t know how to respond when I will receive comments like “So sorry for your loss” or “She was such a good mother-in-law.” I’m not sorry to no longer have her in my life -- and she was not a good mother-in-law.

GENTLE READER: You should respond to condolences by saying “Thank you” and let pass any praise they may offer. They are not asking for a recital of your grievances.

Miss Manners believes that you should also be aware that by doing otherwise -- by what you think of as setting the record straight -- the reputation you alter is likely to be your own.

Complaining about in-laws while they are alive may elicit some sympathy, but doing so instead of mourning is not likely to have that response. It will seem gratuitously mean -- which is why there is a convention of not speaking ill of the dead -- as well as callous toward your presumably grieving spouse. People who feel they have known a better side of your mother-in—law will conclude that you were the problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When serving tea to guests, does one put in the milk and sugar first, or the tea?

I understand that the historical reason for adding milk first (that the china would crack otherwise) is no longer applicable, and that some people are firm advocates of adding the milk second so that you can properly gauge the strength of the tea, but I am unsure what is required by etiquette.

Personally, I think that adding the milk first lends a certain elegance. Additionally, should you stir the tea for the guest, or hand them their tea with the spoon resting on the saucer and allow them to stir it themselves?

GENTLE READER: As you may be aware, the issue known as Milk In First (or Last) is highly emotionally charged, especially in England.

Miss Manners refuses to take sides in the chemistry arguments. But if “elegance” is what you are after, whatever that means, she must tell you that certified snobs look down on the MIF folks.

Fortunately, there is no class angle to the question of stirring. Anyone who drinks tea is presumed to be capable of stirring it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My soon-to-be daughter-in-law has made a bridal registry. She has a 12-year-son from a prior relationship.

Is it appropriate to add a soccer net to a registry?

GENTLE READER: Evidently you have not noticed that Miss Manners does not believe that getting married -- or graduating, or having a baby, or any other milestone -- is a license to beg. What you beg for does not make it more or less acceptable.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine was a houseguest for one night during a march in D.C. She spent the first two nights of her stay in a local hotel but, a few weeks before her visit, she had called to ask me if she could stay with me for her last night in town. I told her of course.

She also offered to pay me $100, the same as her hotel room rate. I told her at the time, absolutely not -- she was a guest and I would be so happy to put her up.

To note: Five years previously, she spent a summer renting a room in my apartment when I was in the early stages of a severe chronic illness. I have been unemployed and on disability ever since then, but I am slowly recovering, although financially it’s been tight.

Now, years later, I am happy to be well enough to offer her a place to stay, and her visit with me, while barely lasting 24 hours, was a very nice reunion of sorts for both of us.

I tidied her room shortly after she left, but it wasn’t until several weeks later that I discovered a card she tucked into a corner of the room I had not touched. Within was a short thank-you and a $100 bill.

I am not offended or hurt, just embarrassed that I didn’t find the card until weeks later, and I feel she could use the money for something else in life, as she is retired and had already paid quite a bit for airfare and hotel for her stay. I am just so happy I was able to offer her a place to stay to complete her visit.

I am planning to send her a note, and I’d like to send back the money and say, “I promise, next time you can pay me!” Her visit was pure joy for me -- gift enough -- and as much as her generosity is heartfelt, I’d like the money back in her hands. That way, she could share her financial generosity with someone who needs it far more than I do, or however she likes.

For me, $100 is not a small sum, but I was already given the gift of her visit, and the money is just too much. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you put all of these kind words and gratitude in the letter, omitting the part that assures her that she can pay you on the next visit. It is confusing enough that you have switched from the business arrangement you had before to one of pure hospitality without suggesting that you would be switching back.

So instead, reinforce that you were genuinely happy to have her as a guest, and that payment is not needed. Your friend is probably extremely aware of your previous financial hardship and self-conscious about requesting a room from you now. Do not embarrass her by returning the gift (if for no other reason than Miss Manners is worried about its safety in the postal system), but simply acknowledge it gracefully and ensure her that you are looking forward to expressing your gratitude in subsequent visits.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been working part-time for a family, taking care of their elderly mother, who is very sweet. The person in charge of my employment -- the lady’s daughter, who lives far away -- has sent me an email saying that the family is under financial strain and needs to reduce the hours that I work.

Here is where manners come in: Was it appropriate that my employer offered me the “chance” to continue working my normal schedule but to be paid as if I were working one-third the hours, with the difference to be made up “when the house sells”?

How should one respond to such an email? (I am afraid that I may have been rude by answering that I was not able to lend money to the family. She seemed shocked at this.)

I asked her when her mother would be moving out of the house, and her daughter answered that the house would be sold when the mother dies! Her daughter must be either very pessimistic or very optimistic, I’m not sure which.

Miss Manners, I am afraid that over the years, many people have noticed that I am kind-hearted, and have responded accordingly. Needless to say, I am looking for another job.

GENTLE READER: Taking advantage of one’s employees is always objectionable. And it is more so, not less, when the work is of an intimate nature, because it overlaps with services rendered on a part-time basis by friends or family: teaching, babysitting or, in your case, looking after an elderly parent.

Whether your employer realized she was doing it or not -- whether her shock was genuine or feigned -- is immaterial. The correct response is to re-establish the professional nature of the relationship, explaining that you understand if the family can no longer afford your services, but that your rates are your rates.

Miss Manners believes in your giving free rein to your kind heart in looking after your clients. But for business dealings, polite professionalism should prevail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my sisters, who is big into the online genealogy/ancestry stuff, gave all of her immediate family members DNA test kits for Christmas. She must have convinced herself that we were interested in her personal hobby.

I told her that I think skydiving (not a good example) is great and I would congratulate anyone that wanted to do it. However, I would never want to jump out of an airplane.

She was hurt that I wasn’t thrilled. I told her that because I love her, I will take the test with the understanding that this is her present, not mine. I think it’s a rude gift to receive for Christmas. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: A gracious gift, as you say, consults the interests of the recipient more than those of the giver.

But a gracious recipient does not argue with the gift-giver, particularly when that person is a close family member. Miss Manners trusts that will be so after, as well as before, you put this gift to the test.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)