DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. I will be the last of my close circle of friends to walk down the aisle, so I have had plenty of experience surfing the internet and bridal magazines, finding things I like for my future Big Day.

My worry is that I have now become very specific in the type of engagement ring I want. I like different styles and gem options (I honestly do not prefer a diamond), but as far as a setting goes, I have some pretty particular ideas about what I do -- and definitely do not -- want.

My plan was to have my best friend (the very one who introduced me to my man) show my boyfriend some of the pictures I secretly posted and then let him decide.

Is this acceptable? I would say that I don’t care what he gets me, but if I’m honest, that isn’t quite true. I feel that since I am going to be wearing this ring forever, I should have the most say in what it looks like. Right?

My boyfriend has even said he knows I’m the type of girl who cares about what her ring will look like. I want to be surprised and completely grateful, but I also don’t want to be unhappy.

GENTLE READER: Then stop wishing to be surprised. And as the gentleman already knows that you have definite tastes, please do not stick him with the burden of possibly guessing wrong and giving you an unpleasant surprise.

The idea that a proposal must come with a snap-open box, proffered by a kneeling suitor, has always struck Miss Manners as ridiculous. It is a cartoon version of the past, when it was considered unseemly for a lady to entertain the notion of marrying until an abjectly pleading gentleman overcame her maidenly reluctance.

You may be sure that such was not really the case then, and it is even more ludicrous now, when you, and other sensible couples, have already had serious discussions about marriage. Nor was it the way real people acquired engagement rings before the phony theatrics of staged proposals, complete with lurking photographers, became common.

Of course a bride has an interest in the style of a ring she will be wearing from the engagement on, and it is a rare gentleman who has given any thought to the matter before he plans to buy one.

But becoming engaged requires only a mutual agreement to marry. Miss Manners is certainly not opposed to this being the occasion for both people to state the sentiments involved, in however romantic terms they can devise, but that is more dignified -- and, she would think, more significant -- when done in private. Surely pledging one’s life should call forth emotions more powerful than any attached to jewelry, however understandable interest in that aspect may be.

If a gentleman had a family ring to offer, he can bring it out then, carefully specifying that it is a choice that in no way is attached to accepting or rejecting him.

More commonly, one would propose a shopping trip, for her to select a ring she loves. (And if he has any sense, he will have been at the shop alone first, and asked to put aside a variety of rings in his price range.)

Miss Manners assures you that this expedition is much more romantic than the phony surprise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married for eight years. We reside in my husband’s family’s house with his younger sister, who is a nurse.

We have had trouble conceiving, and have been going through fertility work-ups and treatments. Both our families are aware and supportive of our journey.

However, last year I had a falling-out with my sister-in-law. She got pregnant, which surprised us all, since we weren’t aware that she had a boyfriend. What irked me is that she just paraded around her pregnancy without even considering my or my husband’s feelings. She didn’t talk to me for the whole duration of her pregnancy.

Insensitive relatives would tell us, “She got pregnant ahead of you!” or “What are you two waiting for?” and so on.

My husband has talked to his sister about how she treated me. Instead of speaking to me personally, she just messaged me after she gave birth that she was sorry that she left me out of the whole pregnancy thing. So we became friends again.

Three months ago, we found out through our maid that his sister is pregnant again, yet she has not taken the courtesy to talk to us. I feel that I am not being treated as a family member. The maid is more like her sister than me.

She should be the one to tell us, but how long should we wait? We are noticing her growing bump. The thing that I hate the most is insulting my intelligence.

She does not help with chores; she is messy and lazy. She is unappreciative of the help we give her by taking care of her child. She acts like a brat when her parents come for a visit.

I think I am going to explode. How do we break the ice with this second pregnancy?

GENTLE READER: There is a soap-opera level of activity going on in this (apparently) exceedingly large house, what with your sister-in-law’s gentleman callers coming in and out unnoticed, maids who are confidantes -- but who do not seem to help with chores and messiness -- as well as the seeming ability to reside there without talking to household members for months at a time.

Miss Manners is sympathetic to your situation -- to a point. She noticed, however, that you did not like it when your sister-in-law “paraded” her pregnancy and family members talked about it. But then, you also do not like it when you get left out or are not told things upfront and firsthand.

Your sister-in-law might see it otherwise, thinking that she is being responsive to your feelings by hiding her pregnancy and finding another confidante. While usually never a supporter of pointing out ladies’ pregnancies before they are officially announced (the chance of being mistaken is too great a risk), Miss Manners suggests that in this case, you take your sister-in-law aside and kindly say, “You know, we are so excited about your growing family and hope that we can continue to help in any way we can. We do so love having babies around the house.”

You may find yourself with more babysitting duties, but you will have made the point that you are, in fact, intelligent enough to be aware of the situation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an instructor at a college with a great diversity of students. They range in age from 15 to 70, and may have arrived via the prison day bus or the home-school parent’s minivan. I’ve taught for many years.

This semester, a member of the class is -- or so I perceived -- a man in his 30s, a bit stout, with long hair, clad in the frequent costume of T-shirt, jeans and work shoes. I ask each student how to pronounce their name and if they prefer a variation of it (does “James Brown” prefer Mr. Brown, James or Jim?) and he gave a variation of his first name.

I’ve referred to him as “he” lo these last two months, without correction. Then, after an exam this week, the last student to finish informed me that she’d looked on her classmate’s social media account and He’s posted as She.

I was flabbergasted. I looked up the student’s record, and she’s recorded as female.

Shall I apologize? I’m feeling it would be rude to make it her fault by asking why she didn’t correct me. I’ve had transitioning, gay and transgender students, and I respect each person. It’s none of my business where she is on any “label.” I’m just wondering how to respond to my public blunder. I have allowed the entire class to believe this, as well.

GENTLE READER: You are correct not to draw attention to it, particularly if the student in question previously has not. Miss Manners suggests that you simply switch to the female pronoun from now on and hope that the other students catch on. If they remain confused or curious, presumably they can look her up on social media themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a thank-you card for our wedding gift to his cousin and her new husband. The wedding was more than a year ago, but in fairness to the couple, there has been significant upset through that branch of the family since the wedding, so I’m quite willing to ignore how long the thank-you took.

What concerns me is that we were only thanked for one part of the gift, not the other two. All were boxed and wrapped separately, but were meant to be used -- and, one hopes, enjoyed -- together.

I don’t wish to be that complaining, ancient family member who nitpicks about not being thanked properly for a gift, but I am concerned that they might not have actually received the other boxes (they were all dropped off at a family home; see above family crises) or that they might have ascribed them to another gift-giver.

Is there a polite and kind way to ask if they got the rest of the presents, without being seen as querulous?

GENTLE READER: “I am so glad you liked the silver forks. We thought that they would work especially well with the matching knives and spoons.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)