Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dog chased my 6-year-old son in our new neighborhood, and when my husband went over to talk to the dog’s owner, we were assured it wouldn’t happen again. Then the dog chased my son again -- and bit him -- the next week.

After I reported the bite (on the advice of my child’s pediatrician), animal control came out to take reports and quarantine the dog, as per their protocol. Then the dog’s owner came over to chew me out for reporting the bite, rather than to apologize and ask about my son’s well-being.

A week or two later, I told the dog’s owner how scared my kids are to go by their house -- not because of the dog, but because of the “mean scary lady.” A few days after that, while we were out for the day, she left a present for my son, and a couple of notes about how bad she feels. We were all set to make up, until the next day, when my son rode by her house and she called out to him, “Say thank you.”

I am so angry again. She is a grandma, and I feel she should know better. I don’t want my kids anywhere near her -- ever. Do we owe her a thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: To whom do you hope to teach manners -- your neighbor or your son?

The neighbor sounds like a poor prospect, so Miss Manners suggests directing the instruction to your son. The lesson here would be: “We behave well, even when other people don’t.”

This does not mean that you have to be silent victims. You rightly reported the dog bite. By calling her a “scary lady,” rather than some epithets that probably sprang to your mind, you were only reporting your son’s reaction. All within the bounds of politeness -- and your point was made, resulting in an apology and a present.

Then, having finally done the right thing, your neighbor craved acknowledgment. It was rude of her to ask for thanks, but then, you already knew that she was new to good behavior.

Presents do require thanks. Surely you do not want to teach your son that he need not do the right thing if others do not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to start addressing Christmas cards. In this ever-changing world, I don’t know the proper way to address envelopes. Please help. Until now, I knew that if I were addressing a doctor and his wife, the address would read, “Dr. and Mrs. John Smith.” But how should the address read if the woman has the professional title, and not the man?

Also, with so many gay marriages, how would I address a letter to two men or two women? And what if the couple has chosen one surname? These modern times have me quite perplexed.

GENTLE READER: But it is so simple. All you need is another line on the envelope:

“Dr. Jasmine Wright/Mr. Rocco Wright.” “Ms. Lily Hunter/Ms. Isabelle Groton.” Or, on one line, “The Messrs. Everett and Luke Hampshire.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Coming upon a stranger in the rain, I offered to share my large umbrella with her. She came underneath the umbrella and said, “I suppose that you say that to all pretty ladies.”

I was shocked to have a gesture of simple humanity framed as sexual predation. I said, “Yes, indeed, ma’am. And to all ugly ladies, as well. And also all pretty gentlemen, and ugly gentlemen, too, come to think of it.”

We walked on without another word until parting ways at the next intersection. Naturally, she never thanked me.

Miss Manners can hardly disapprove of affording shelter from the rain to any person, pretty or otherwise, who appears to be in need. Should I have withdrawn the umbrella after her comment, while adding, “Handsome is as handsome does”?

GENTLE READER: Romantic comedies -- and predatory men -- have all but ruined the chivalrous gesture. However, you need not interpret your umbrella companion’s remark as rude. Is it possible that she thought she had suddenly found herself in a “meet cute” and was attempting to be charming in a way that complimented herself, rather than denigrating you?

However, if your suspicions are correct, it is worth noting that we are currently in a climate in which male motivations have proven suspect, particularly when it comes to strangers approaching females unsolicited.

That does not justify retaliating as though your character had been attacked. A reasonable response might have been, “Oh! Well, I was really just trying to protect a fellow human being from the rain ...” letting it trail off, lest you travel down an unwinnable path toward rating her relative beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My name is Elena, and I am typing this question on behalf of Sasha (my daughter/employer). I will pass on any reply.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to eat crackers? I want to know, because my brother is an extremely messy cracker eater, and I want to set a good example for him. And this is really difficult, because I am only 6 years old and he is 2, and he eats plums very badly, and also peaches, and any type of fruit.

Thank you for writing the big book called “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” because I’ve been reading it.

Love from,

Sasha

GENTLE READER: All of the foods you describe are indeed difficult to eat neatly, each for their own reason. Crackers make crumbs, and peaches and plums often create unsightly juice-covered chins.

For the latter, Miss Manners recommends that you and your brother politely ask your mother/employee to cut the fruit into wedges, rather than attempt to bite into it like an apple. As for crackers, they are best eaten in small bites and not by the fistful, with a napkin or plate placed underneath to catch any falling debris.

Miss Manners would like to add that, having admirably fulfilled her duties as messenger and food preparer, your mother surely deserves a raise. Although having such a conscientious and well-read daughter is presumably reward enough.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both retired and normally get along great.

When we have no dinner planned, we both eat leftovers, sometimes at different times. This evening, I sat down for a leftover pork chop, noodles and a glass of merlot. My husband joined me to converse, but was not hungry yet. Then he started talking about his day’s activities.

As background, there’s been a used prophylactic on the street in front of our house for weeks that the street sweeper somehow keeps missing. As I was trying to enjoy my dinner, my husband went into a long discourse about how he removed it from the street

I promptly left the table, stowed my leftovers and ran into our guest room, locking myself in. The only thing I castigate myself about is that I hurled invectives while escaping.

Was I wrong, or was he completely out of line with his chosen subject of dinnertime conversation?

GENTLE READER: It should not require fleeing and swearing to convince someone that when one is eating -- or even when not -- graphic details on unsavory activities are offensive. So is foul language, with or without food.

Miss Manners suggests that after you apologize for your drama, you remind your husband that dinnertime manners and conversation are still required, even if only one party is actually eating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young professional woman who uses a dating app to meet potential suitors. It seems that the traditional rules of correspondence have gotten somewhat muddled.

I use a particular dating app that requires both parties to “match” with each other before they can begin conversing. However, I find that many of the men with whom I match (meaning we have both expressed interest in each other) are taciturn when it comes to actually exchanging messages.

I generally start these conversations with a question about some interest they express in their profile, but their responses are often terse and not accompanied by a similar question for me. I do not want a conversation with a potential mate to feel like pulling teeth, so I have a habit of “unmatching” these men.

What is the appropriate amount of time I should wait, or number of one-sided questions I should answer, before unmatching them? Or is it rude to do at all?

GENTLE READER: The usual rules of socialization apply here; it is just the technology that is different.

If you did not have a successful date with someone, you would not make another. But you also would not call them to tell them to stop contacting you. After a conversation’s worth of tersely answered questions, Miss Manners recommends that you simply stop pursuing the relationship. If the gentleman wants to know why, he can follow up with an interesting question himself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a colleague informs us of taking time off to attend a funeral, is there a polite way to ask who died?

GENTLE READER: Because you want to issue a more personal and heartfelt condolence? Or to find out if the relationship with the deceased genuinely merits missing work?

Miss Manners is trying not to suspect the latter. But “I am so sorry. Were you close?” should politely cover both options. She warns you to resist persisting further, however, if the answer is simply “yes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)