DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend forwarded to me, I believe in error, an email message written by a mutual acquaintance that was rather disparaging towards me personally. I suppose this is the electronic equivalent of accidentally overhearing a conversation.

What would be the appropriate response? Should I address the comments directly, as in, "What did Mr. X mean by these remarks?" Or indirectly, as in, "Did you mean to send me that message, or was it an error on your part?" Or should I just pretend I never received the information?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what you want your future relationship with each of them -- the friend and the acquaintance -- to be. The greater the discomfort you administer, satisfying as that might be, the less likely that either of you can get past this.

And really, we have all (except Miss Manners) made comments about others which we would not want them to hear, and all (without exception) pushed Send to the wrong address.

But perhaps you suspect viciousness, and feel that ignoring this would let them both off. In that case, ask the friend if forwarding the message was intentional, and if so, why. Perhaps it was intended to warn you of animosity you might not have suspected.

To disconcert the author of the offensive email, it should be enough to mention coolly that you inadvertently saw it, and apologize for having read it before realizing that it was not meant for you. Trust Miss Manners that it will be all the more upsetting if he does not know how you plan to react.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister believes that because weddings are celebrations, it is inappropriate for wedding guests to wear black, which we wear to funerals. (Tuxes would be exempted.)

While I would never normally tell guests what colors to wear to a party, is it acceptable for her to ask her wedding guests not to wear black?

GENTLE READER: You are both right and you are both wrong. Isn't that often the way with sisters?

Black is still the color of mourning, even though you may have never seen anyone wearing it at a funeral. But look at the news coverage of funerals involving conspicuous people or circumstances, and you will see that it is still worn. Your sister is right about that.

You are right that beyond the general information that the wedding is to be formal or informal, you cannot tell guests what to wear -- or, insultingly, what not to wear. You have to trust them, risky as that might seem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy doing needlework and sewing crafts. I wore a blouse I had made and embroidered to a gathering of friends, and when asked, I said that I had made it. Most of my friends complimented me.

One person, though, said, "I hate you!" Of course it was said in a joking manner, but I have gotten this same reaction from other people and I'm never sure how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Some joke. The wonder of it is that people who make such idiotic remarks believe them to be compliments -- as if you would be pleased to make others feel bad.

You should probably let it pass, but Miss Manners would understand if you could not resist saying, in the tone one might use with a pouting child, "Now, now, I'm sure you have talents of your own."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After surgery for a cancerous tumor and six months of chemotherapy, I lost all the hair on my entire body. I am grateful that I am alive, but I am struggling with comments regarding my hair.

My hair was one of my best features. It was a beautiful color and texture, and I received compliments often. Now, I don't know what to say when people comment on my very short hair. I have a wig, but it's tedious to make sure it's on correctly, and is very uncomfortable on hot days.

I know my hair will grow back and that a good stylist can restore it to its former beauty, but in the meantime, the questions and comments sting. I don't know how to respond.

GENTLE READER: "I had something done" -- leaving it purposely ambiguous whether it was for health or aesthetic reasons.

Sadly, suggesting that it was a fashion choice will likely garner less follow-up than the more personal question of your health. But perhaps Miss Manners may be underestimating human nosiness even in that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman is dating a man and they are out to dinner with his family (14 people). A birthday cake (brought in from outside) is served. She doesn't want the cake and orders sorbet for dessert instead. Was that rude of her?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But before you subject Miss Manners to all of the obvious and angry objections (she was on a diet, vegan, gluten-free, frosting-averse, etc., etc.), she is not saying that the cake must then actually be consumed.

Gratitude and the idea of enjoying the cake is all that is needed. The woman in question could simply have been too busy enjoying the company to get the chance to eat her serving of cake. But declaring outright that she wants something else is hurtful to the people who attempted to please everyone -- however unsuccessful the effort may have been.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a priest, and when parishioners send gifts home with him, I write and send the thank-you notes. This has really helped to establish a bond with the church members since I am often home with little ones.

One Saturday night, my husband brought home a beautiful handmade baby blanket. I wrote the thank-you note Sunday, but we learned on Monday that the woman had died quite unexpectedly over the weekend.

I could have sent the card, and the family would probably have assumed that it had been sent before I heard. I opted instead to write a note to the daughter saying how sorry I was to hear of her mother's passing, how beautiful the blanket was, and that her mother's kindness had outlived her.

Was that the correct choice? What should I have done if the note had already gone? What is the correct response when the giver dies before thanks are sent?

GENTLE READER: To prioritize condolences, but include an acknowledgment of their generosity, as you so graciously did.

Further, Miss Manners would like to point out that yours is an excellent case for writing prompt thank-you letters.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many years ago, I established a college fund for my nephew. As it turns out, the nephew never attended any post-high school education or training.

I would like to give this money to his mother, my sister. She, frankly, is not doing well; she lives alone and the money would provide some help as she nears retirement.

What should I tell her when I give her the gift? If I say that the money is from the nephew's college fund, she may feel guilty that I'm giving the money to her instead of her son. On the other hand, if I don't explain the source of the funds, she might not understand why I am giving her the gift -- or wonder if there might be more in the future.

GENTLE READER: It is not necessary to mention the nephew. Miss Manners feels certain that it will only cause unneeded discord for a present that is intended to bring your sister comfort.

"I would like to make a contribution to you to help out with things" is enough. If she chooses to accept it, she can always leave it for her son -- especially if he someday has an educational change of heart.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to my niece's wedding, which has been downsized due to COVID. My same-sex spouse of 30 years has not been invited to the wedding itself, but they are included in a small "watch party" at a different venue. We plan to celebrate and be good guests, though of course it would be more enjoyable for us if we could be together.

I understand the details, and support my family in the tough decisions they have had to make. However, I noticed that the spouse of my in-laws' sibling has been invited to the main event. I can rationalize that decision, but still have a lingering feeling that my marriage is not being given the same weight.

I know that I will not have a conversation with my sibling about my spouse's place. I believe they are making the best decisions they can under the circumstances, and that my job as their guest is to accept the invitation or not. I just wonder if there is any wisdom from the world of etiquette to help me think about this more productively.

GENTLE READER: You are already being more gracious and understanding than any reasonable person -- including Miss Manners -- would be. Spouses must normally be invited, but if emergency circumstances are cited, then the rule about extended guests (children, support animals, etc.) applies. This is flexible by category, but then it needs to be universal. If the spouses are being invited, then all of them should be.

Unfortunately, as you said, all that you can do now is accept or not.

Not wanting to start a rift, you may well choose to go. However, if asked about the whereabouts of your spouse, you may say, "Watching on video" with a slightly sad and apologetic expression -- but of course no accusatory explanation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)