DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our retirement, my husband and I purchased a large, beautiful home in a famous desert resort area. In addition to the rest of the house, we have three guest rooms that would make any five-star hotel proud, plus a private swimming pool surrounded by palm trees. You get the idea.

Naturally, our home has become a favorite destination for our family, which is wonderful! One of our goals was to create an oasis and a gathering place for our multigenerational family for festive occasions.

We also have three beautiful, well-trained golden retrievers. They are as much a part of our family as the humans, and everybody who comes to visit loves them.

At one large family gathering, with 12 relatives staying in our house, my sister-in-law announced she had invited a college friend from 40 years earlier, plus the friend's husband, to spend an entire day with us. They would join us for the planned celebratory lunch, dinner and festivities.

Then we were warned that the friend, despite being a licensed psychiatrist, has a deathly and obsessive terror of dogs. When she sees any dog, she becomes hysterical, jumps up on chairs, screams, etc.

We tried our best to accommodate her, but it meant locking our golden retrievers -- and this is THEIR home as well as ours -- in a spare bedroom for the entire day. Even taking our dogs outside to do their business was an ordeal, as we would literally have to put the fearful guest in one room, shut the door, then take our dogs out through a side door. (The daily temperature here is often over 100 degrees, so the dogs cannot be left outside for any period of time.)

This uninvited guest was in our house from 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. -- 12 hours. (She originally said she would stop over for just an hour or two.) And this is somebody we do not know. It really ruined the day, the celebration, everything.

We understand that not everyone likes dogs, and we NEVER take our dogs to other people's homes or parties unless specifically invited. We would not even think of doing so.

Another family gathering is coming up, and my sister-in-law has announced her friend will be coming again. This is not amenable to us. How do we get out of this without offending everybody?

I am so frustrated with all of this. What is the old saying? "No good deed goes unpunished"?

GENTLE READER: Indeed. You may therefore reasonably and justifiably say, "I am afraid that while we enjoyed meeting your friend, we simply cannot guarantee a safe environment for her with the dogs. Perhaps we should meet at your home in the future."

While it is true that Miss Manners generally prioritizes the comfort of guests over animals, she makes a notable exception when the guest was never invited in the first place. If your sister-in-law objects, you might politely remind her of that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-worker and I have a routine where we eat lunch together. We like to joke and talk during lunch. A new person started working here, and basically invited herself to lunch with us.

We didn't want to be rude, so we have allowed her to eat with us. However, she seems to get upset when we discuss our personal lives (nothing inappropriate) or make work-appropriate jokes. She ends up leaving.

Should we alter our lunch conversation topics to include an uninvited colleague?

GENTLE READER: Why, when they have proven so successful in getting her to leave you to them?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several weeks ago, I sent a lunch invitation to a family whose sons are in both of my sons' classes. The mother accepted the invitation, and yesterday (two days before the lunch), I sent her a reminder text.

She replied that she will check her calendar, as one of the sons may have a track meet. Then she informed me that she has three additional, older children, and asked if they were invited. I extended the invitation to them and asked if she could confirm the number with me as soon as possible.

The lunch is tomorrow. Today, I sent a text asking how many chairs I should set out. She replied that she didn't yet know, and -- here's the part I am a bit miffed about -- that her kids are vegan.

How would you suggest I avoid getting myself into this type of scenario in the future?

GENTLE READER: A bit miffed? This person invited extra people, would not tell you if they were actually coming, and then asserted that if they did come, they would need a special menu. Miss Manners would be livid.

But since you asked, she does see your slight misstep. After you issued the original invitation, the mother accepted. Your reminders only served to exacerbate the situation. Twice.

Next time, quit while you have the answer that you want. Certainly, this person might still have shown up with extra children and their dietary constraints, but at least with no warning, you would not have had to scramble in advance -- and she might actually have felt some embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Decades ago, while traveling to my brother's wedding, my husband and I made a side trip to visit my old undergrad adviser. He and his wife had us over to their house, and my adviser, who'd grown up a farm boy, found out that my husband had once worked on a farm.

He engaged my husband in an animated conversation about farming, leaving me to try to make conversation with his wife. I had met her only once, years before, and despite my efforts, I could find nothing in common with her. I was pretty chagrinned -- I had, after all, come to see him, not her, but I knew that saying so would be rude.

The man and his wife are now long gone, but I still wonder: What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Found a way to get in on that farm talk. You might have learned something.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For years, our friends Cody and Nicole would often talk admirably about a high-profile person they knew. However, I found the descriptions of this man and his actions to be unethical and immoral (think Harvey Weinstein).

At the time, when I expressed my dismay, they treated me in a condescending manner, saying I didn't know how business was done.

Time has gone by, and sure enough, this man is on trial and it's worse than I thought. Cody and Nicole act like they never imagined the truth; I think they're just surprised he's been called out. I find myself disgusted with them.

My husband still wants to socialize with them; I don't. If I do see them, I'd like to say "I told you so," then ask why they excused his behavior for so long and how they reconcile that with their regular church attendance. I'm unreligious and find them to be hypocrites.

GENTLE READER: The moral question of whether their behavior can be forgiven is outside the purview of etiquette, but your proposed solution is not. If you have decided to end the friendship, then your sweeping denunciation of religion will certainly accomplish that -- though not, Miss Manners need hardly say, with etiquette's approval.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman working in a predominantly male field, with my company's workforce at approximately 15% female. Over the past 17 years of my employment, whenever a female co-worker is pregnant, we usually do a baby shower, whether at the workplace or sponsored by someone in their home. I have personally hosted four in my home.

A close work friend asked me if I would help her throw such a baby shower for another co-worker. We issued invitations to all of our female colleagues (30-plus people), but to our dismay, we had only four people accept. Including the hosts and guest of honor, the shower ended up being a total of eight people.

I sponsored the gathering at my home and spent a lot of money -- on food, decorations, cake, prizes, gifts, etc. -- because I felt bad about the low attendance and worried the party would be disappointing to the mother-to-be.

The following Monday, I was in the mail room and learned that the reason nobody attended was because there had already been a shower for this co-worker a few weeks prior to ours, and they all attended that one.

I was speechless. Not only did my friend and I not make the cut for the first shower, but the mother-to-be allowed us to throw her a second one. I am furious. Any thoughts on how to handle this?

GENTLE READER: At this point, little good will come of trying to determine whether your co-worker actively took advantage of you, or whether she was paralyzed by embarrassment when she realized you did not know about the first shower -- and then compounded her initial misstep.

True, punishing pregnant women does not appear to be going out of fashion, but Miss Manners recommends a more professional approach. Next time someone at the office is expecting, say, "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for her. But perhaps it's past time for us to leave baby showers to family and friends where they belong."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)