DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year for about 25 people. Most are traveling in from out of town. I have expressed that people do not need to bring anything, and I mean it.

I’ve gotten negative reactions from people who say I’m not being helpful. Is part of being a good host providing ideas for what everyone can bring? There are only so many things you can bring to Thanksgiving dinner that you can also bring on a plane (i.e., maybe a box of chocolates).

GENTLE READER: To Miss Manners’ puzzlement, there are certain so-called etiquette rules that have been so thoroughly pounded into everyone that even the otherwise-rude will obey them.

You know the baffling "rule" that forbids anyone, even guests, from using guest towels -- items that seem to have achieved a weird fetish status. Another rule-that-isn't is that when invited to dinner, guests must bring part of the meal.

To be clear, this is a reasonable practice for communal meals that have been identified as such in advance. And Thanksgiving often is one.

But the potluck approach is now relentlessly applied to all meals, regardless of the explicitly stated wishes of the host. Guests would rather make nuisances of themselves than show up, as it is described, “empty-handed.”

Yes, it is admirable to share the work. But the traditional way of doing so is to take turns entertaining.

Miss Manners is aware that many people prefer the pay-as-you-go method. Some hosts do, too, to the point of assigning catering to guests who have not volunteered. And some guests consider it a substitute for reciprocating.

But there has to be an opt-out clause for the many who, like you, have told Miss Manners that they try in vain to discourage it. They plan meals and do not want additions. Or they don’t want people taking over their kitchens. And maybe they would like to be invited out without having to bring a sloshing pot with them.

As versions of “Oh, thank you, don’t bother” are brushed off, you will have to be sterner. Perhaps, “I’m making a full meal, so I won’t be able to serve anything else. If there is extra food, I’m going to ask people to take it to a shelter so it doesn’t go to waste.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A “friend” who gossips knows my husband and I are having difficulties, and yesterday she asked me if he is “chasing after other women.” What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: The response Miss Manners suggests is, “Not that I know of. But if he is chasing after you, do you want me to tell him to stop?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a restaurant and the waiter, unasked, brought extra napkins. I became very self-conscious, thinking I must be making a mess. I checked my mirror and as far as I could tell, everything was fine, but I still felt embarrassed.

Sometimes I do need extra napkins, but I prefer to ask for them myself. On the other hand, I appreciate when a waiter refills my water without waiting to be asked, so I wouldn’t want to discourage their being alert and helpful.

What is your take?

GENTLE READER: That you embarrass much too easily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 4-year-old daughter has a June birthday, and we have a party for her with family every year. Due to her birthday being in the busy summer season, my brother and his family have not ever been to her birthday party.

They do not acknowledge her with a phone call, a card or a gift. This bothers me, as I think she is a wonderful little girl who deserves a little recognition on her birthday (like everyone does, in my opinion). I even mentioned to him that he did not get her anything.

I would like to point out that I give his children birthday gifts, and he has given the rest of my children birthday gifts this year.

His response? “Oh, I didn’t?”

He never said anything else, so I dropped it. But it bothers me. Should I let it go, or bring it up again?

GENTLE READER: Please do not teach your daughter to keep track of who is, and is not, acknowledging her birthday. Many people now do that, well into advanced age, and no one is the happier for it.

Miss Manners does not doubt that your little girl is wonderful, and that you are showering her with attention on her birthday, and probably on other days as well. She should not come to feel that there is a reckoning day on which she judges others, and perhaps herself, on the tributes paid her.

Just a guess, but perhaps your brother is not the present-sender in his household. That would account for his vague answer. So if you are going to issue a reminder, address the whole family, including his children. Such a message could say that if it is too much of a nuisance, the exchange of birthday gifts among the cousins could be dropped with no ill will.

Another guess is that his children will lobby to continue receiving presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Those of us who keep things tidy are often accused of being “neat freaks” for some reason. My best friend and roommate has labeled me such, although she very much enjoys the end result of a neat and tidy environment.

What is the proper response when someone accuses me of being a “neat freak,” even if it is said lightheartedly?

And is there a word for the opposite type of person, besides the obvious rude retorts?

GENTLE READER: “Well, it beats being a dirty freak.”

Oh, is that one of the obvious rude responses? Sorry, but this method of dumbing-down standards in order to justify one’s own shortcomings annoys Miss Manners.

Yet perhaps you are right that a light tone does not soften that quite enough. How about a jolly, “It sure beats being a messy freak”? Is that better?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to serve alcohol at a baby shower where only women will be attending?

GENTLE READER: Because ladies don’t drink?

Well, Miss Manners trusts that the expectant mother does not, so there should be something nonalcoholic for her. But that should not be a factor in whether the shower is a tea party or a cocktail party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother died of a sudden heart attack while having dinner with friends. One of his friends called me and I headed straight to the hospital, but it was too late.

Someone at the hospital gave me a bag of my brother’s belongings, which I took home and stuck in a closet while I dealt with calling family and friends, consoling my parents, making funeral arrangements, grieving, etc. (My brother was not married, and did not have a serious girlfriend at the time.)

After a few days, I decided to tackle the bag of personal belongings, where I came across my brother’s cellphone. It had run out of power and needed charging, so I plugged it in. Almost instantly, it started pinging with messages -- the vast majority of which were condolences from my brother’s colleagues. Most of them signed their names as “John Doe, Position at Company.”

Is it acceptable to send condolences to a deceased person’s telephone in the hopes that a family member will read them? I proceeded to send a brief thank-you to each one, signing it “from the family.” Was this an acceptable way to handle it?

Some of the people who had sent messages then started calling my brother’s phone. When I answered, some were polite and civil, wanting to re-express their condolences. But others were inquisitive and prying ("How did he die? How long did it take the ambulance to arrive? Who was with him?" etc.), which made me regret answering at all.

I contemplated calling my brother’s boss just to ask her to tell everyone to stop calling.

What is the proper procedure in a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: Knowingly calling a deceased person’s phone is morbid, and quite frankly, lazy. Not only does it not replace a proper condolence letter, but it annoys and disorients a grieving family.

The obvious solution is to disconnect the telephone line. But if you cannot resist calling your brother’s boss, Miss Manners suggests that you at least do so with an excuse: Inform her where and when the service is -- or at least where his colleagues may send proper written condolences, if they wish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an evening event, I was introduced to a very high-profile individual. While I was happy to meet him, it was impossible not to notice when he smiled or talked that he had something stuck between his two front teeth.

Had he been an old friend, I would have immediately and discreetly told him about it. Since this was our first meeting, though, I felt that doing so would be inappropriate, so I said nothing.

Was I wrong? What could or should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Immediately and discreetly told him about it. One does not have to be old friends, Miss Manners assures you, to spare another human needless embarrassment.

And who knows? The resulting gratitude could have made you a new old friend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)