DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I host an annual holiday dinner for a group of neighbors, one of whom has asked in the past if he could bring a guest. My wife, on our behalf, has always said yes.

Unfortunately, the guest is usually the neighbor’s on-again/off-again boyfriend, who is best described as obnoxious. During dinner, our neighbor frequently smirks condescendingly at his plus-one and winks at the rest of us. Ugh.

This neighbor accepted the invitation to dinner this year. My wife says the polite thing for her to do is to anticipate his request by telling him he can bring a guest. I say we should keep quiet to see if he asks.

Do the rules of etiquette come down on my wife’s side?

GENTLE READER: They do not -- until the boyfriend becomes the husband, a neighbor or both. Waiting for the neighbor to ask for a second invitation is both sensible and permissible.

Should the boyfriend indeed be promoted, Miss Manners hopes it will at least lessen the likelihood of the now-husband mistreating you or one of your other guests: It would strengthen his position to the point that he might start objecting to the smirking and the condescension of his partner. But one problem at a time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received an online invitation to my relative’s 70th birthday: a surprise dinner and music at a nice restaurant. Included in the invite is a “suggested donation” amount of $50, with the donation going towards a vacation fund.

If that wasn’t odd enough (these relatives are well-off), they also suggested that if we “feel generous,” we can add an 18% gratuity. A gratuity for what?

This feels a little like a shakedown.

GENTLE READER: Only a little?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I participate with a small group that does what we can to support a small neighborhood alternative high school. Many of the students at the school are low-income.

I have been spending a fair amount of my own resources, including my time, soliciting donations of food and school supplies for teachers and students. I’m guessing I’ve picked up and dropped off over $2,000 worth of donations. I’ve been glad to do it, because I see the need and it feels good being able to help out.

I’ve suddenly noticed that I have never received a word of thanks from anyone at the school. In one case, I got a much-needed $400 item donated to the auto shop program, but the teacher didn’t even acknowledge it.

I feel terrible saying this, because the kids have needs. But now that I’ve become aware of it, I’m feeling less generous. How can I get over this?

GENTLE READER: The emotional answer to that is out of Miss Manners’ area of expertise -- certainly there is virtue in doing good deeds without acknowledgment.

But for those hoping to be on the receiving end, she notes that expressing gratitude also used to be considered virtuous -- not to mention common sense.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year for about 25 people. Most are traveling in from out of town. I have expressed that people do not need to bring anything, and I mean it.

I’ve gotten negative reactions from people who say I’m not being helpful. Is part of being a good host providing ideas for what everyone can bring? There are only so many things you can bring to Thanksgiving dinner that you can also bring on a plane (i.e., maybe a box of chocolates).

GENTLE READER: To Miss Manners’ puzzlement, there are certain so-called etiquette rules that have been so thoroughly pounded into everyone that even the otherwise-rude will obey them.

You know the baffling "rule" that forbids anyone, even guests, from using guest towels -- items that seem to have achieved a weird fetish status. Another rule-that-isn't is that when invited to dinner, guests must bring part of the meal.

To be clear, this is a reasonable practice for communal meals that have been identified as such in advance. And Thanksgiving often is one.

But the potluck approach is now relentlessly applied to all meals, regardless of the explicitly stated wishes of the host. Guests would rather make nuisances of themselves than show up, as it is described, “empty-handed.”

Yes, it is admirable to share the work. But the traditional way of doing so is to take turns entertaining.

Miss Manners is aware that many people prefer the pay-as-you-go method. Some hosts do, too, to the point of assigning catering to guests who have not volunteered. And some guests consider it a substitute for reciprocating.

But there has to be an opt-out clause for the many who, like you, have told Miss Manners that they try in vain to discourage it. They plan meals and do not want additions. Or they don’t want people taking over their kitchens. And maybe they would like to be invited out without having to bring a sloshing pot with them.

As versions of “Oh, thank you, don’t bother” are brushed off, you will have to be sterner. Perhaps, “I’m making a full meal, so I won’t be able to serve anything else. If there is extra food, I’m going to ask people to take it to a shelter so it doesn’t go to waste.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A “friend” who gossips knows my husband and I are having difficulties, and yesterday she asked me if he is “chasing after other women.” What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: The response Miss Manners suggests is, “Not that I know of. But if he is chasing after you, do you want me to tell him to stop?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a restaurant and the waiter, unasked, brought extra napkins. I became very self-conscious, thinking I must be making a mess. I checked my mirror and as far as I could tell, everything was fine, but I still felt embarrassed.

Sometimes I do need extra napkins, but I prefer to ask for them myself. On the other hand, I appreciate when a waiter refills my water without waiting to be asked, so I wouldn’t want to discourage their being alert and helpful.

What is your take?

GENTLE READER: That you embarrass much too easily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 4-year-old daughter has a June birthday, and we have a party for her with family every year. Due to her birthday being in the busy summer season, my brother and his family have not ever been to her birthday party.

They do not acknowledge her with a phone call, a card or a gift. This bothers me, as I think she is a wonderful little girl who deserves a little recognition on her birthday (like everyone does, in my opinion). I even mentioned to him that he did not get her anything.

I would like to point out that I give his children birthday gifts, and he has given the rest of my children birthday gifts this year.

His response? “Oh, I didn’t?”

He never said anything else, so I dropped it. But it bothers me. Should I let it go, or bring it up again?

GENTLE READER: Please do not teach your daughter to keep track of who is, and is not, acknowledging her birthday. Many people now do that, well into advanced age, and no one is the happier for it.

Miss Manners does not doubt that your little girl is wonderful, and that you are showering her with attention on her birthday, and probably on other days as well. She should not come to feel that there is a reckoning day on which she judges others, and perhaps herself, on the tributes paid her.

Just a guess, but perhaps your brother is not the present-sender in his household. That would account for his vague answer. So if you are going to issue a reminder, address the whole family, including his children. Such a message could say that if it is too much of a nuisance, the exchange of birthday gifts among the cousins could be dropped with no ill will.

Another guess is that his children will lobby to continue receiving presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Those of us who keep things tidy are often accused of being “neat freaks” for some reason. My best friend and roommate has labeled me such, although she very much enjoys the end result of a neat and tidy environment.

What is the proper response when someone accuses me of being a “neat freak,” even if it is said lightheartedly?

And is there a word for the opposite type of person, besides the obvious rude retorts?

GENTLE READER: “Well, it beats being a dirty freak.”

Oh, is that one of the obvious rude responses? Sorry, but this method of dumbing-down standards in order to justify one’s own shortcomings annoys Miss Manners.

Yet perhaps you are right that a light tone does not soften that quite enough. How about a jolly, “It sure beats being a messy freak”? Is that better?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to serve alcohol at a baby shower where only women will be attending?

GENTLE READER: Because ladies don’t drink?

Well, Miss Manners trusts that the expectant mother does not, so there should be something nonalcoholic for her. But that should not be a factor in whether the shower is a tea party or a cocktail party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)