DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a man who is 6-foot-6 and 62 years old. My entire life, I have found myself bent in half when greeting women for whom a welcome hug is appropriate. My aunties, cousins, sisters and any number of others might throw their arms up, initiating a hug.

When women (of any age) hug me, they always want to put their arms above my own -- their arms are basically around my neck during the hug. Picture me bent in half hugging my 4’11” mother-in-law.

I’m wondering, is this just hugging etiquette? Would I be in violation if I just kept my arms above theirs, allowing myself less of a stoop? Is it a rule or custom?

GENTLE READER: It is not a rule, and Miss Manners gives you leave to bend only as far as is consistent with your principles and your back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our town is a typical suburb of a large city. It was originally settled by German farmers, but over the years, it has become an affluent sprawl of subdivisions and strip malls. Many of the original family farms have been honored in various street names.

Lingering descendants of the families, or those who knew them, adhere to the original pronunciations, but the majority of the community no longer does. For example: Old-timers insist that Mueller Street should be pronounced "Miller," not "Mew-ler." This is just one of several examples.

The thing is, I have lived in this town since the early 1970s, and never heard anyone refer to that street as "Miller." If someone gave me directions and said, "Turn on Miller Street," I would have bypassed the "Mueller" sign and kept looking.

I feel that naming a street after a family is lovely, but that the family’s right to police pronunciation is limited. The whole point of naming streets at all is to make navigation easier. If the community at large has tacitly agreed to call a street "Mew-ler" because that is the more intuitive, contemporary interpretation of the spelling, then that becomes the correct way to say the street name.

Those who pronounce these streets "wrong" are being told, on social media, that they owe it to these families to adopt the "correct" pronunciation. This seems unnecessary to me -- and I have a Dutch last name that no one can pronounce without guidance.

GENTLE READER: Snapping at people to do something that has not been done in decades is unlikely to be effective. Far better to use one of the few advantages Miss Manners sees to social media -- which is that people can opt out of group conversations about such issues, rather than feeding the flames by continuing to argue about them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I host an annual holiday dinner for a group of neighbors, one of whom has asked in the past if he could bring a guest. My wife, on our behalf, has always said yes.

Unfortunately, the guest is usually the neighbor’s on-again/off-again boyfriend, who is best described as obnoxious. During dinner, our neighbor frequently smirks condescendingly at his plus-one and winks at the rest of us. Ugh.

This neighbor accepted the invitation to dinner this year. My wife says the polite thing for her to do is to anticipate his request by telling him he can bring a guest. I say we should keep quiet to see if he asks.

Do the rules of etiquette come down on my wife’s side?

GENTLE READER: They do not -- until the boyfriend becomes the husband, a neighbor or both. Waiting for the neighbor to ask for a second invitation is both sensible and permissible.

Should the boyfriend indeed be promoted, Miss Manners hopes it will at least lessen the likelihood of the now-husband mistreating you or one of your other guests: It would strengthen his position to the point that he might start objecting to the smirking and the condescension of his partner. But one problem at a time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received an online invitation to my relative’s 70th birthday: a surprise dinner and music at a nice restaurant. Included in the invite is a “suggested donation” amount of $50, with the donation going towards a vacation fund.

If that wasn’t odd enough (these relatives are well-off), they also suggested that if we “feel generous,” we can add an 18% gratuity. A gratuity for what?

This feels a little like a shakedown.

GENTLE READER: Only a little?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I participate with a small group that does what we can to support a small neighborhood alternative high school. Many of the students at the school are low-income.

I have been spending a fair amount of my own resources, including my time, soliciting donations of food and school supplies for teachers and students. I’m guessing I’ve picked up and dropped off over $2,000 worth of donations. I’ve been glad to do it, because I see the need and it feels good being able to help out.

I’ve suddenly noticed that I have never received a word of thanks from anyone at the school. In one case, I got a much-needed $400 item donated to the auto shop program, but the teacher didn’t even acknowledge it.

I feel terrible saying this, because the kids have needs. But now that I’ve become aware of it, I’m feeling less generous. How can I get over this?

GENTLE READER: The emotional answer to that is out of Miss Manners’ area of expertise -- certainly there is virtue in doing good deeds without acknowledgment.

But for those hoping to be on the receiving end, she notes that expressing gratitude also used to be considered virtuous -- not to mention common sense.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year for about 25 people. Most are traveling in from out of town. I have expressed that people do not need to bring anything, and I mean it.

I’ve gotten negative reactions from people who say I’m not being helpful. Is part of being a good host providing ideas for what everyone can bring? There are only so many things you can bring to Thanksgiving dinner that you can also bring on a plane (i.e., maybe a box of chocolates).

GENTLE READER: To Miss Manners’ puzzlement, there are certain so-called etiquette rules that have been so thoroughly pounded into everyone that even the otherwise-rude will obey them.

You know the baffling "rule" that forbids anyone, even guests, from using guest towels -- items that seem to have achieved a weird fetish status. Another rule-that-isn't is that when invited to dinner, guests must bring part of the meal.

To be clear, this is a reasonable practice for communal meals that have been identified as such in advance. And Thanksgiving often is one.

But the potluck approach is now relentlessly applied to all meals, regardless of the explicitly stated wishes of the host. Guests would rather make nuisances of themselves than show up, as it is described, “empty-handed.”

Yes, it is admirable to share the work. But the traditional way of doing so is to take turns entertaining.

Miss Manners is aware that many people prefer the pay-as-you-go method. Some hosts do, too, to the point of assigning catering to guests who have not volunteered. And some guests consider it a substitute for reciprocating.

But there has to be an opt-out clause for the many who, like you, have told Miss Manners that they try in vain to discourage it. They plan meals and do not want additions. Or they don’t want people taking over their kitchens. And maybe they would like to be invited out without having to bring a sloshing pot with them.

As versions of “Oh, thank you, don’t bother” are brushed off, you will have to be sterner. Perhaps, “I’m making a full meal, so I won’t be able to serve anything else. If there is extra food, I’m going to ask people to take it to a shelter so it doesn’t go to waste.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A “friend” who gossips knows my husband and I are having difficulties, and yesterday she asked me if he is “chasing after other women.” What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: The response Miss Manners suggests is, “Not that I know of. But if he is chasing after you, do you want me to tell him to stop?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a restaurant and the waiter, unasked, brought extra napkins. I became very self-conscious, thinking I must be making a mess. I checked my mirror and as far as I could tell, everything was fine, but I still felt embarrassed.

Sometimes I do need extra napkins, but I prefer to ask for them myself. On the other hand, I appreciate when a waiter refills my water without waiting to be asked, so I wouldn’t want to discourage their being alert and helpful.

What is your take?

GENTLE READER: That you embarrass much too easily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)