DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sitting in an airline seat, you need not ask permission of the person behind you to recline your seat. Once permission to move is granted by the captain, you can recline, if your chair has the ability to do so.

On what planet would you ask someone else (as you have suggested) if you can adjust the seat that you paid to sit in? If engineers and airlines didn’t want the seats to recline, they would remove the option. Get a grip or pass the torch and retire.

GENTLE READER: By all means, blame the airlines. They should not have equipment that can be used to discomfort their passengers.

And Miss Manners would be happy to retire just as soon as you and everyone else learn the basic premise without which civilization does not function: If you treat others callously, you needn’t feel clever for having gotten an advantage, because others will then treat you callously and life will be unpleasant for everyone.

Why should you care about the comfort of the person sitting behind you? Because the person in front of you could just as well lower that seat onto your lap.

Of course, your obliging airline is willing to let you pay even more so that cannot happen. But what if another passenger, having also paid the extra fare, feels entitled to leave the shared bathroom in a disgusting state?

You know, and do not care, that Miss Manners finds your sense of entitlement ugly. But you should also know that it will come back to get you in the long run. (Or perhaps, in the case of an equally entitled fellow passenger, in the short run.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost three dear friends this year. With the holidays approaching, it does not seem right to wish their families a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year.

I have purchased blank "thinking of you" cards instead. What do I write in them? Should I share a memory of the loved one they lost?

Knowing nothing I say will take away their loss, I just want to comfort them to let them know their father, their husband and their brother were dear to me and many others.

GENTLE READER: Uh, you did write letters of condolence at the time, didn’t you? With your sympathy and appreciation of those who died?

If you have more such reminiscences to share, then sure, do so.

But it occurs to Miss Manners that if you are thinking about these bereaved families now, you likely realize that they could be particularly lonely at a time when others are gathering with their families. Is there some way you can include them -- perhaps by visiting them, or by inviting them to events that are somewhat subdued, depending on their state of mourning?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please shed some light on what’s appropriate when giving a gift and the price tag is not easily removable? Is it better to half-remove it and mark through the rest, leaving a shoddy sticker mess, or to just leave the price there for all to see?

GENTLE READER: Ink it out, and please try not to make a mess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house, complete with a lot of homemade dishes, champagne, activities and accommodations for children. We’ve often had more than 50 people attend.

It is expensive, and more than a little work, but we enjoy the result. We consider it a gift to our friends, as well as a way to maintain friendships with people we may not get the opportunity to visit with during the year. We are truly glad to host and consider it a privilege.

We don’t expect people to reciprocate, nor do we expect gifts, although we do accept contributions of champagne or any preferred drink (a host can only do so much, right?). It really is a case where a good time is had by all, and we enjoy making it happen.

My complaint isn’t with people who don’t RSVP. Let’s face it: That ship sailed long ago. Despite many people failing to respond, we’ve done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with gigantic portions of leftovers. (If people don’t RSVP and also don’t attend for several years, we simply drop them from the invitation list with no hard feelings.)

Instead, my issue is with people who DO respond, but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we’ve got so much to do with blah, blah, blah and we’ll probably be coming back from out of town that day and I just don’t know how to make it happen but we’ll try to come if we can squeeze it in.”

I find this downright insulting. My wife and I are perfectly aware that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain professions. But I can’t understand why people respond as if we’ve now added some additional unbearable chore to their already overcrowded holiday to-do list, or that they’d be doing us a favor by shouldering this added burden.

We get it -- the holidays are busy and you can’t make it! Come, don’t come -- we’re fine with it either way, and we still love you. But please don’t act like we’re pressuring you into some unbearable obligation.

GENTLE READER: That ship which sailed seems to have been part of an entire fleet of departing courtesies. You and your wife are to be congratulated on your ability to plan a large party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners hears from considers this a logistical nightmare; that is why etiquette asks that prompt and definitive answers be given. That, and because it is insulting to ignore a hospitable offer.

But you are remarkably tolerant -- or perhaps just realistic about the state of manners today. You do not expect your invitations to be acknowledged. You do not expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. You only object to dithering replies.

Actually, all of these lapses have the same cause: a lack of respect for the host. But the dithering is the easiest one to handle: Just cut if off with holiday wishes and a “We hope you can make it,” or, if you are really annoyed, “Sorry you can’t make it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I went on a short vacation to a city where an old friend of mine lives. I called her months ago, asking to stay with her and her partner for one night, but she said she didn’t have room.

I have known this woman for 45 years and have stayed with her at least 20 times in the past. Still, not a problem -- we booked a lovely place to stay and had a great time.

Originally, she asked us to come and spend the day at their place, then go out on their boat and stay for dinner. Then, last minute, she said that wouldn’t work, either.

So I asked if they wanted to come into town (an 11-mile drive for them). She said yes. They came to the hotel, where we all had a beverage (that we provided) out by the pool, and then took a five-minute walk to a restaurant where I had made a reservation.

At dinner, my friend’s partner (whom I had never met, as my friend is a recent widow) continued to show us his super-expensive watch and fancy gold chain. Then the bill came, and they both just sat there. So my partner took and paid the bill, which was over $300.

In hindsight, I felt I should have asked them to at least handle the tip. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That for whatever reason, your friend no longer wants to host. And that reason may well have been to avoid the expense of it all.

With your persistence, however, she found a clever way to see you and have you pay. It was not gracious, but asking her and her partner to pay the tip would have been rude (flashy gold accessories notwithstanding).

Miss Manners suggests that next time you are in town, you casually mention it to her, but do not ask to make plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have fairly nice neighbors on either side of our fence. Each house has outdoor seating approximately 20 meters away from our own outdoor seating area. We live near a forest and get to hear lovely birdsong, owls at night, etc.

One neighbor likes to spend most of the day outdoors and has made comments about how she longs for "a quiet life." In light of this, is it OK to speak at a normal volume when I’m in my garden? Or should I be hushing my tone a little?

When I’m drinking coffee outdoors with my husband and children, surely it is not bad etiquette to have a normal conversation at an ordinary volume. I don’t want to upset my neighbor, but nor do I want to have to whisper in my own garden.

GENTLE READER: You and your family may, Miss Manners assures you, speak at normal volume on your own property -- with the caveat, perhaps, that if any of you gets excited and the sound level goes high, you keep it in check.

Except perhaps to say loudly, “Shhh, let’s be respectful of the neighbors!” just so you get points for effort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)