DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife (we divorced 40 years ago) recently did something I would never dream of doing: She threw herself an elaborate catered party for her 70th birthday. Our daughter and her husband attended, as did I, along with a dozen of my ex's longtime friends. She gave each of us a copy of her self-published book of poems.

It all left me with very mixed emotions. Is this a thing people do all the time and no one told me? Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention? Either (or both) would be consistent with what I’ve observed of her personality over the decades.

I don’t know if I should feel happy or embarrassed for her -- or even sad. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That it no doubt provided bemused fodder for you to gossip about afterwards. For that, Miss Manners would think you would be grateful. Because if your former wife is not sad or embarrassed, why should you be?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dislike being in posed photos, particularly now that everything ends up posted online. Friends won’t let me off the hook. “Oh, come on!” they repeat, every time I say “no thanks.”

Of course I participate during special occasions, such as family photos at my nephew’s wedding. But on casual occasions, how do I excuse myself from the frequent group shots?

GENTLE READER: Short of subtly making yourself invisible in the picture (turning your back, looking down, etc.), Miss Manners suggests physically excusing yourself just before they take the picture -- leaving them to wonder if you are suddenly ill or just annoyed.

When you come back perfectly healthy and even-keeled, you may say, if they ask, “As I mentioned, I don’t like taking pictures. But I hope yours came out well.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a seasoned hairdresser, I have clients who move away after years of servicing them. They tell me their biggest fears are finding a new doctor and a new hairstylist.

I have often recommended that they politely ask women they meet for the name of their stylist, and whether they are taking new clients. I have gotten new clients by that technique myself. Most women really don’t have a problem with being asked.

GENTLE READER: It is the "politely" part that is key. Also important, Miss Manners suggests, is the assurance that you will not poach their hairdresser, pass their name to too many others or render it impossible for them to get an appointment themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the guest cancels a long-planned Sunday dinner at the host’s residence just a few hours beforehand (due to illness), who should follow up to reschedule? The host or the guest?

GENTLE READER: Genuine illness gets a pass, even if the host silently harbors resentment that the long-planned dinner was ruined at the last minute.

As it would be presumptuous of the guest to reschedule the event, and it is not known when the guest will be well again, Miss Manners suggests that the host says, “I hope you are feeling better. We would love to reschedule for next week if you are up to it; otherwise, please let us know when you are fully recovered and we’ll figure out a time.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A while ago, I went through a traumatic experience in my life and was very depressed. I read online about a celebrity who was going through the same experience. Through different social media channels, I began communicating with this person.

We became quick friends and spoke often. I really enjoyed talking with him and looked forward to our chats.

I then realized I was not speaking to who I thought I was, but to someone posing as this person. An online scammer. They usually reel you in and then start asking for money, and sure enough, he asked me about contributing to his personal charity. I told him I wasn’t interested, and that was the end of it. He never brought it up again.

We have now been speaking for several months. The thing is, I have become quite attracted to him. I really enjoy talking to this person, who I feel that I’ve come to know, but he still pretends to be the celebrity (which I’m assuming is his job).

Should I just come out and say that I know he is not that person? Or should I stop talking to him completely? I would really miss talking to him, and I have developed strong feelings for him.

GENTLE READER: Far be it for Miss Manners to discourage a love match, but it seems to her that this “relationship” is anything but that. Do you really want to start a love affair with a lie and/or an accusation?

If you truly cannot help yourself, perhaps you could say, “I really enjoy talking to you, but something seems off. Is there anything you want to tell me?” But if this person continues the farce, Miss Manners encourages you to cut it off. It can only get worse from there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our family celebrates many holidays with a group dinner. Those family members who have the room take turns hosting. The host provides the main dish and a few sides, and everyone else contributes something to the meal.

This has worked fine up until a few years ago. My niece and her husband bring containers from home to fill with leftovers, even loading their plates with more than they could possibly eat so that that food can be taken home, too.

This year, I am hosting, and plan to offer a meat-based meal. My niece and her husband are vegetarians, so they will only be able to eat the entree I prepare separately for them.

How can the hosts address this issue in the future without appearing rude or mean? The couple has more than enough resources to support themselves.

GENTLE READER: Your solution is clever, if a bit devious and indirect. If you want to be more forthright -- or if you tire of cooking all that meat -- when the couple breaks out the containers, Miss Manners suggests you say, “Oh, we have plans for those leftovers, but please enjoy all you like while you are here.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just started a new job, and a group text chat was created for us to communicate about our shift availability. However, employees have begun using this chat for small talk.

I can’t simply mute it, because I might miss important work information. They’re all wonderful people, but I don’t want my phone blowing up! How do I communicate this politely and without hurting feelings?

GENTLE READER: As this is now a terribly common problem with a commonly terrible solution, Miss Manners is happy to offer a polite one.

The typical solution is to berate co-workers for misusing the channel, which is impolite, hurts everyone’s feelings and does not work.

A better solution requires more patience. Create a second group text chat for personal matters -- feigning interest in such matters if you have to -- and direct personal matters there. Repeat your instructions as often as necessary. You can then mute the second channel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe it is rude to point, especially in public. When I was married, my spouse had a habit of pointing, whether in a crowded room or on the street.

I tried to gently suggest that the action was rude, but he was adamant that no such rule existed. I have looked for support in etiquette books and have come up empty-handed.

For my own piece of mind, what is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: You are, in general, correct. But as you were kind enough to give fair warning that your interest is not disinterested, Miss Manners will add that there are exceptions -- such as pointing at the truck speeding towards your former spouse as you warn him to get out of the way. Should you be so inclined.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I invited two other couples to dinner. Both couples immediately accepted the invitation, but informed me of the following: One guest is on a low-salt diet and is trying to cut out sugar. Another is avoiding gluten and dairy. The third said he doesn’t eat meat, and the fourth is allergic to fish. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: This is what happens when we listen to the crowd who insists we dispense with etiquette because it exalts form over substance. They justify themselves by citing a mythical time when guests were barred from alerting hosts to serious medical conditions -- and were presumably then wheeled off to the emergency room during dessert.

Good hosts have always wanted their guests to survive the evening. They also want guests to enjoy themselves. And good guests, for their part, never wanted to put their hosts to unnecessary trouble.

In your case, Miss Manners has no hesitation in recommending you provide alternatives for the vegetarian, the guest with a fish allergy, and even the one on a diet.

It is the guests who are merely "avoiding" things that baffle her. The simplest solution may be to describe the proposed meal in advance in the hopes of finding out if these avoidances stem from serious conditions -- or if the guests are merely repeating doctor’s instructions that they have no intention of following.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)