Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My company has a return to office four days a week mandate this year. While it’s nice to have the in-person camaraderie, co-workers who are conspicuously ill are coming in and spreading their contagion. (My company provides a generous two weeks of "occasional absence," which may be used for sick days, doctor appointments and such.) No one says anything.

I am now sick (at home). These co-workers are not heroes for coming in to work with their germs, but selfish and inconsiderate.

I feel I should say something to our office manager. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you say, “You might want to reiterate the ‘occasional absence’ policy. The return to office mandate seems to have people confused. We surely do not want to encourage people to come to work when they are sick and contagious.”

For maximum effect, Miss Manners recommends you have this conversation whilst sneezing and coughing -- safely over the phone, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a problem at quite a few restaurants I’ve frequented -- that their napkins seemingly come exclusively wrapped around silverware.

So when I ask for an additional napkin or a replacement -- due to it being used to clean my hands or the table, etc. -- I am inevitably given a napkin with a new silverware set, which means I have additional flatware at what are sometimes small tables.

Is there a polite way to ask for a napkin by itself? Or return the additional silverware that is unneeded?

GENTLE READER: There are polite ways to do both.

“Could I please have another napkin?” repeating, “Just the napkin is fine,” if necessary. But if that too gets ignored, Miss Manners thinks it is fine to return the silverware saying, “These are clean, I just needed the napkin, thanks” -- although a reputable restaurant will wash them again anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband believes that when we receive a single, indivisible gift intended for us as a couple (such as a platter, restaurant gift card or other anniversary gift) or a shared experience, like another couple hosting us at a vacation home, both he and I should write separate thank-you note messages (albeit on a single card).

I would prefer that we send a single message, using “we” in the note (e.g., we love X), with one person writing and each individual signing. Is either approach poor etiquette? (We jointly wrote this message, if it matters.)

GENTLE READER: Your reveal at the end notwithstanding, two people cannot properly write a letter.

At the top of yours, however, you began with, “my husband and I” which is the correct way to word it. The rest of a thank-you message would then be in the singular, save for a reiteration or two of how much your husband (or you, if he is writing it) enjoys the present too. Then only the writer would sign it.

But if you would still like to make letters of thanks a joint effort? Miss Manners suggests you take turns writing them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m no more a fan of call waiting than Miss Manners is, but I do want to defend its limited utility. I was co-owner and manager of a small business for several years, and I frequently had to act as receptionist by answering our office phone.

If I’m on the phone and call waiting sounds, I ask Party A to wait 15 seconds while I check my other line. I ask them to call back if we’re disconnected, and I repeat my guarantee that I will get back to them in 15 seconds.

I switch to Party B on the second line by stating my name and asking for theirs. Then I say immediately that I have to return to my other line, but I will definitely call them back in five or 10 or 15 minutes (whichever seems realistic for finishing Party A’s call).

Under no circumstances will I allow Party B to explain the reason for their call; if they try, I interrupt and repeat that I need to hang up and I’ll call them back. If they still keep talking, I tell them for the second time that I have to hang up. Then I hang up, without waiting for their consent or acknowledgement.

If the whole process is handled efficiently, I’m back to Party A within the 15 seconds that I promised. But some people inevitably persist in telling me their story, so I have to stay firm and cut them off.

Am I being rude by hanging up, or is my system sufficiently polite for the modern world?

GENTLE READER: Sufficiently Polite for the Modern World sounds like a standard for those who have given up caring -- one step behind Do Whatever Comes Naturally, though perhaps better than the perpetually dreary Whatever Makes You Happy.

What is interesting about your situation is that business etiquette may indeed have different rules than those that apply in the personal world. Hospitals do not take people on a strictly first-come, first-served basis for a good reason, and this leads her to wonder what service your company provided.

Whatever that is, the more pressing the reason for you to pick up quickly for the next caller -- say, for example, you were staffing a suicide-prevention hotline -- the more reason you would have not to hang up on the current one. And even if you cannot stay with the current person, what justification is there for hanging up rather than putting them back on hold?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who, when she gets a haircut and I don’t acknowledge it, brings that to my attention. It’s never attractive, and I know she’s not going to keep up with it.

I don’t know the polite way of saying, hey, you had a haircut, without saying it looks nice. By the way, she never compliments me on anything.

GENTLE READER: The deep moral iniquity of raising a friend’s spirits by telling her the haircut was a success eludes Miss Manners, but she will take your word for it.

Could you at least smile and say, “You look terrific; did you get a new haircut?” This will, of course, be for naught if your friend is foolish enough to then ask, “Do you like it?” and you feel compelled to answer, “I’m no judge of such things.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious what the etiquette is at a gathering when music is playing in a friend’s home on the voice-controlled device.

Is it OK for a guest to speak directly to the device to ask it to play a song?

GENTLE READER: Many of us remain skeptical of manufacturers' claims that if only we keep paying for upgrades, tomorrow’s devices will be smarter than the dimmest cat. Until that does happen -- and the household devices can make claim to being more than objects -- a good guest waits for the host’s permission before touching, or talking to, the inanimate residents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been employed for almost 30 years as an administrator for a company that owns and operates several retail centers, apartment complexes and office buildings. I write many letters to all of the tenants, as I’m the main, and sometimes the only, point of contact.

Knowing that a tenant has lost their spouse, when addressing future letters, should I address it to both Mr. and Mrs. or just the surviving spouse? I have addressed letters both ways and have offended people for either including, or excluding, the deceased spouse.

GENTLE READER: One can sympathize with a widow’s or widower’s loss while still saying that, as a matter of both etiquette and logic, one does not knowingly address a letter to someone who is deceased.

And, though you did not ask, Miss Manners will add two further assertions with equal confidence. First, there is no breach of etiquette in addressing a letter to someone who is deceased when you were unaware of that fact. Second, the proper answer to a surviving spouse who tells you otherwise is, “I am so sorry for your loss. We will, of course, immediately correct our records.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our 50s and own a small business, as we have for our entire adult, post-college life. We are not wealthy but have maintained our small business for many years and love it, and we are highly educated and intelligent people.

We have a nephew on my husband’s side of the family who is in his mid-20s and successful right out of college, with a well-paying corporate job. Every time we see him, which is not often because he lives across the country, he turns the conversation to our business, constantly giving unsolicited advice on how we could build our business and bring in more money.

We have never once brought up our business around him. I can only surmise that he has heard about some of the financial struggles we’ve endured from his mother, my husband’s sister, as I know he has shared some of this with her.

I was raised to never discuss money around others, and certainly not to give advice to people 30 years my elder. What is a polite way of letting him know we aren’t interested in his opinions on our business?

GENTLE READER: The polite way is to thank him while looking like you are not quite listening. The amusing way is to thank him while sounding slightly condescending.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)