Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So there is really no easier way to say this: I royally f--ked up, I f--ked up my friendships, I f--ked up my chances at dating, I f--ked up my chances of finding any community of like-minded individuals and I f--ked up all chances for possibly anyone too trust me ever again. All because my impulsiveness, insecurity, self-hatred, assumptions, letting stereotypes override reality and honestly, now with hindsight, willful ignorance also overriding said reality.

This will be a doozy

Now for the context: I love Warhammer. It’s one of my favorites, if not THE favorite franchise and hobby, it helped me crawl out of a very deep and dark hole during the height of the pandemic whether it was learning the lore, playing the tabletop game and of course painting the miniatures. It was much later deep into my journey in this hobby/franchise that I well encountered many like-minded individuals on social (Instagram, Tiktok, Reddit, Discord etc.) the big community of painters, most if but not all of them were men, in some groups it was an absolute sausage fest. We stared out at first just hanging out on discord video calls painting out minis and shooting the ss--t absolutely geeking out about lore. When restrictions were getting lifted some of the people nearby me started well hanging out and showing off said minis and they even taught me how to play the game whether it was 40K, Killteam, Horus Heresy, Legion Imperialis and Age of Sigmar. We’d exchange tips and tricks and techniques on how to paint certain miniatures, which colors to use, what brushes to use for what etc. It was very stimulating for someone who’s always been a bit of an outsider and not really fitting in (especially after my very late autism diagnosis which honestly might explain but certainly not excuse my actions of what I did). Despite having all of this a hobby and community, there was something eating away at the back of my mind, something I really couldn’t ignore and some cases it felt like a woodpecker drilling at my skull: That won’t doing this thing that brings me joy and community make kind of an unf--kable loser in the eyes of a lot of women? Because no shocker I’m a virgin in his late 20s and well I felt in a way I’m also perpetuating a stereotype of the loser neckbeard virgin by enjoying this hobby and community which again with hindsight was a pretty messed up thing to think. Especially when a lot of guys who I hung out with had wives and girlfriends some of which even joined in the fun of painting with us. And these guys weren’t even Adonis or conventionally good looking they were just average regular looking guys, some tall, short, skinny, fat, full hair or balding yet had women who loved them for their passions and interest.

So how did I royally f--k up such a good thing I had going for me? Well, it all started when not only when I actually a date with a very surprisingly conventionally attractive woman but when she asked me what my hobbies and interests are. Just reading this one article that cited that statistic that what is the least attractive hobby for women that men have and surprise collecting figures was on top of that list. So, what did I do in that moment? Well something that now once again with hindsight I deeply, deeply regretted; I essentially told her a half truth about my hobby of painting Warhammer minis while simultaneously throwing my own friends and community under the bus in order to impress her and make her attracted to me somehow, essentially saying yes I do this as a hobby but I’m not affiliated with those manchildren, incels, neckbeards and losers. She seemed rather uncomfortable that I used such harsh and volatile language to describe people like me. I guess her being conventionally attractive made me think she was vain, catty and quite bimboish based on my ridiculous assumptions.

So, after not only did I not get a second date, but word definitely spread of what I’ve done with in my own community. I don’t know how, but I got messages asking how could I have thrown my own community under the bus in order to impress a girl. I was banned from all group chats, blocked on a mass scale and well not invited to group events. And well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions. This ss--t really messed me up caused me to self-isolate, emotionally eat, and, hell, destroy some of my minis it fits of rage. For weeks, if not months, I’d just come home and cry myself to sleep wallowing in self-pity and self-hatred. I couldn’t have the energy or motivation to paint or do the hobby I loved without a knot in my stomach and the urge to throw up because it’s used as a reminder of what I did and how many people I’ve hurt. I’ve been in therapy and while it has helped it hasn’t really healed from the loneliness and isolation that’s eating me alive.

So now I don’t know what to do, do I return to my old group and seek reconciliation because part of me believes I’m not gonna get forgiveness nor do I deserve it? Do I move town? Start again and find a fresh new group of people? Will I find my painting girlfriend in those groups? What do I do Doc? I am very stuck and how I truly move on from such a colossal catastrophic f--k up.

Sincerely, Manfred Von Erebus

Ps if you nerd know, you know.

DEAR MANFRED VON EREBUS: This isn’t a doozy, MVE. It’s the opposite of one. It sounds far more like a tempest in a teacup than some “man, you don’t f--k up small, do you?” I’m going to level with you: it is really hard to tell just how much of this is hyperbole and how much of this is serious and, quite frankly, that’s a problem.

If most of this is hyperbole – and it would be coming from most people – then all of the exaggeration and performative wailing and gnashing of teeth gets in the way of actually giving you a meaningful answer. Naming yourself after the two most disliked characters in the lore is the sort of over-the-top, excessively dramatic posturing that is profoundly not helpful, especially considering the supposed severity of your “crime”. Mostly it serves to annoy people by acting like it’s so much worse than it really is. After all, if the actual issue is that your friends are miffed at you for talking ss--t about them behind their front, that’s very different from “I have been banned from the Warhammer community in total and nobody in town will ever talk to me ever again”.

On the other hand, if you’re describing your actual emotional state and the way things honestly feel after all of this… well to be blunt, you’re overreacting to a level that seems almost operatic and I’m not sure you should be writing to an advice column so much as working with mental health professionals over some serious emotional dysregulation. While I’ve known folks who never learned that it takes more than drama to be a queen, destroying toys in fits of rage and “weeks, if not months” of isolation and depression are indicators that maybe the problem isn’t that you tripped over your dick because you got in your head about a pretty lady.

Now, even if we modulate things to what I believe most of us would agree is a more reasonable level, this is a prime example of why you need to get off about 90% of your social media accounts. We live in an era when RPGs got a shot in the arm because of shows like Stranger Things and several of the biggest s--ts on Netflix alone are based on a series of fantasy novels and video games. Similarly, a bunch of nerdy voice actors who like to get together to play wizards and warriors parleyed that into two s--t animated series, one of the hottest tickets in New York is to see people improv a game of D&D and a different group of intrepid heroes sold out Madison Square Garden as people paid used-car levels of money to watch someone else’s D&D campaign. And that’s before we get to the surge in popularity that the game itself has had, especially with women. The idea that playing D&D makes you a magician who makes sex disappear is outdated at best.

And while Warhammer may be a little more hardcore than D&D (and some of the worst people you know are a little too in love with the fascist overtones), it’s hardly the realm of unf--kable neckbeards. I mean, leaving aside that two of the biggest Warhammer nerds I know personally are an award-winning author, screenwriter and lieutenant of Megaforce, and a fellow dating coach, the most common meme for Warhammer is the same “heroin would be cheaper” jokes that anime nerds made in the late 90s and early 00s… and that’s primarily within the community. Outside of it, most people have no goddamn idea what Warhammer is.

At the same time, it seems like you weren’t actually interacting with the woman you were on the date with, so much as who you thought you were seeing. I have to wonder: were you actually listening to anything she was saying, or were you too busy trying to think of the next “perfect” thing to say and trying to come up with ways of impressing her? Because it seems to me like you weren’t actually engaged with her so much as the idea of her, right up until reality caught up with you as it slapped the taste out of your mouth.

I would also point out that the list of “hobbies that also turn off women” included things like “taxidermy”, “online trolling” and bird watching. It’s pretty clear that this is not a list to be taken seriously. At best, you’ve got a sprinkling of people on a subreddit answering another user’s poll, not a meaningful statistical study. At worst, you fell for some of the lowest-effort trolling possible.

My point is that you shot yourself in the foot, reloaded and shot again over a stereotype that hasn’t been a thing for a decade, in the name of impressing a completely different collection of stereotypes in your head. That has far more to do with you and the way you feel about yourself than it does about the world around us. You’re not interacting with people in the real world, even when they’re sitting right in front of you; you’re dealing with the people in your head.

As I’m so often saying: you need to pay attention to what you’re paying attention to and you in particular need to log off, go outside and touch grass.

Now once again, the issue at hand is one of how much of this is hyperbole on your part. The overly florid descriptions and over-the-top reactions that you describe – both your own and your community’s – makes it hard to tell just how badly you f--ked up.

While it’s certainly possible that people are pissed that you trashed them in hopes of impressing someone else, and I wouldn’t be surprised that this group ditched you because of it, this hardly sounds like you’ve salted the earth so thoroughly that you’ve been banned from all Warhammer ever. I mean, people have actual crimes and are still influential parts of the TTRPG scene. What this sounds like is basic social circle drama in a group where maybe you weren’t nearly as tight as you think you were. If that’s the case, the self-pitying is getting in the way of actually recognizing the degree to which you messed up and it’s going to make it way harder to actually make things right with them.

And if this was some band of brothers, then either you’ve left out some seriously important details as to why this would piss them off so much or they’re already incredibly thin-skinned and I wouldn’t be surprised if they have constant internecine chaos that would make the courtiers at Versailles seem well-adjusted.

As it is: you’ve got two choices. If you want to try to repair things with the friends you pissed off, you’re going to have to go back to them, hat in hand and ready to apologize. You’re going to have to be honest: you were stupid when trying to impress someone and talked ss--t because you were embarrassed and trying to cover for it. Then you’re going to have to be ready to eat a ration of ss--t and pretend that it’s steak if they decide to give you another chance. But if you do take this option, then you’re going to have to dial the hyperbole and florid writing way the f--k back. The amount of woe-is-me-I-am-the-lowliest-of-worms isn’t going to make people sympathetic, it’s going to annoy them. Be a grown-ass adult, own that you said some stupid ss--t that you didn’t mean that didn’t think would get back to them, apologize for saying it and don’t do it again.

Your other choice is to see this as the learning experience that it was and accept that losing this group of friends is the cost of letting your insecurities run the show. The good news is that I can promise you that these are hardly the only gamers in your area, and you can find others. You may have to deal with the occasional person who heard about your meltdown, but the only thing to do there is the same as I said earlier: own your ss--t. You let your insecurities get out of control and you talked trash that you didn’t mean because you thought it was going to impress someone and that was a stupid thing to do. Keep it to that level of detail: you were insecure, you said stupid ss--t, it was dumb of you. More than that and we’re right back to the pulling-of-hair-and-rending-of-clothes that mostly just annoys the hell out of people.

Though to be perfectly frank, the number of people who will have heard about it and can connect it to you will likely be in single digits. Frankly, as far as community drama goes, this is small beer.

But regardless, you’re going to need to deal with your insecurities and anxiety weasels – without the florid prose and self-flagellation – and part of that is going to mean that you need to walk away from the places that are reinforcing those beliefs. Getting out of the house, interacting with real people and disconnecting from the buckets of crabs you’ve been involved with is going to do a lot more for you than trying to pull up stakes in hopes of outrunning a reputation that most people simply aren’t going to give that much of a ss--t about.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was talking to a female friend of mine today after I played D&D with this other woman, and she made a comment along the lines of “Thanks for playing, you guys! Hope you don’t murder or rape me now that I know you!”

I thought this was just some weird and mildly inappropriate comment after a D&D game but I asked my friend if she was ever afraid that I, her boyfriend or any other man close to her would just snap and savagely murder her for no reason.

She responded by saying it’s a thought she has occasionally, less fear of being killed and more just fear of being attacked by those close to her. She thought it was a little irrational but only a little.

I know that women are most likely to be hurt or injured by men they know. Which makes me think if every interaction I have with female friends or partners carries an undertone of impending or threatened violence. I ABSOLUTELY do not want to be sending that message. Is this something I have any control over? Is this just how things are? How do I make the women in my life more comfortable around me and not worried I’ll snap and go apes--t on them?

Trying To Be The Safe One

DEAR TRYING TO BE THE SAFE ONE: I agree that it’s kind of a weird comment, but it sounds more like a bad joke than a real concern. It doesn’t sound like something that really needs to be taken seriously, especially in context. However, I will say that “dudes being f--kin’ freaks to women in their gaming group” is so common that it’s almost a trope. Lots of women in the TTRPG space have stories of guys �– and it’s pretty much always men – getting weird and creepy and pushing boundaries, in game and at the table, as players and as GMs. It’s one of the reasons why shows like Critical Role and Dimension 20 are a breath of fresh air, especially for a lot of their female fans.

Now, stepping away from the table and into the real world… yeah, women have reason to be cautions at times, even with guys they know. I’ve answered too many letters from women – and have others in the pipe – who were betrayed by guys they thought they could trust, in various ways. It’s absolutely awful that it’s a thing that many women have to keep in the back of their mind, and yet.

The extent to which women feel that caution or worry is obviously going to vary from person to person, as is who they do or don’t trust and to what degree. And as we’ve seen, there’re folks who other people would have sworn up and down are great and we then find out just how f--ked up things could get with them. That’s not something that you, both the generic you and you specifically, TTTBTSO, can control for.

What you can control is how you behave. Part of the way that you show that you’re safe and trustworthy is to be safe and trustworthy. Some of it is obvious, but some of it is simply recognizing that people are going to have different tolerances for different types of jokes and behaviors and to take that into consideration. One person’s wacky hijinks can be another person’s “this will make my skin crawl off my entire body” and yet another person’s “this is too close to some s--t that will make me have to leave or start screaming”.

There’re a lot of behaviors that can be innocent or well-intentioned from the person doing them, but can come off as scary or intimidating or just squicky to the person on the receiving end. Not letting go of a joke when it’s making the person squirm in a really-not-enjoying-it way, insistently talking about topics that veer too close to things that they don’t feel cool discussing unexpected yelling or angry outbursts, even standing in someone’s personal space when you don’t need to and they can’t get away, can all be triggers for folks. And like I said: it can vary from person to person.

One of the best things you can do to show that you’re trustworthy is very simple: listen when someone says “hey, this is making me uncomfortable” and change your behavior accordingly, even if you think that what you’re doing is perfectly fine. You may be cool with it, other people might be cool when it’s done to them, but this person, specifically, isn’t. You don’t need to do much besides just knocking it off without complaint or pushback. You say “oh, s--t, my bad,” you stop doing the thing that makes them uncomfortable, and you let the matter drop. Be mindful of people’s comfort and security, and help create an environment where people can feel equally comfortable and secure – where people can say when something is out of pocket without worrying that they’re going to be shut down for it, and where s--tty behavior isn’t tolerated.

In fact, let’s talk about one of the ways people can do that, using D&D and other RPGs as an example. One of the recent trends in the TTRPG space is “Session Zero”, where – among other things – GMs and players will talk about what is or isn’t cool in the game, what behavior is out of order – even if it’s “in character” – and what the players are or aren’t interested in experiencing or having as part of the story they’re collaborating on.

A lot of players, for example, may not want to deal with plotlines that involve sexual assault – whether of their characters or of NPCs. Others may not want to roleplay stories that where they might have to deal with direct threats their PCs’ families or loved ones (as opposed to “We need to stop Venger from freeing Tyranthraxus from his prison or the world will be destroyed.”) They may discuss whether or not they’re down with role-playing romance with other PCs or between PCs and NPCs, and under what circumstances.

There’re people in the TTRPG community who think that’s too “cute” or that takes away from the GM’s control or that this is somehow turning RPGs into excessively “safe” playgrounds. Leaving aside questions like “why do you think it’s important that an NPC be allowed to rape a PC or vice versa”, it also misses that the point of playing an RPG is to have fun with your friends, not to play Grimdark Trauma Simulator. If that’s the game that everyone wants to play, great… but it’s better knowing that going in, rather than having it drop on you out of the clear blue sky.

Having that Session Zero and laying out the ground rules of what is and isn’t out of bounds and what players can expect helps build an experience that everyone in the group is going to feel comfortable in and enjoy – something that’s harder to do when they can’t be sure that they won’t have “SURPRISE, THE DRAGON HOLDS YOU DOWN AND NOW ROLL TO PREVENT PREGNANCY” sprung on them.  ��(I wish that was something I made up off the top of my head and not something that happened to a friend of mine.)  

Yes, I know that’s not the same as ensuring that your female friends will know that you’re never going to throw them up against a wall or smack them across the face if “they get out of line”, but it is about demonstrating that you want a space where everyone feels comfortable and secure, which tends to speak more towards what they might expect from you than if you said “don’t worry, I’ll never raise my hand to you in anger.”

In fact, speaking of that, a thing I do want to bring up – since you seem to be having a rather strong reaction to this – is what not to do: don’t make this about you and your feelings of wanting to be known and acknowledged as One Of The Good Ones. Much as with people who insist on #NotAllMen, there’re dudes who will make a fuss about They’re Not Being A Creeper – often unprompted – and insist on other women reassuring them that no, no, they’re fine and not creepy at all. It functionally takes what should be a good thing – not wanting to make other people uncomfortable – but them making it all about themselves, while demanding that the person who they would never be creepy towards bend over backwards to manage the man’s feelings for them.

As one of my friends put it recently: “I do not want men to open with ‘I’d never hurt you btw’ when I’m sitting and thinking about cool manga.”��Now I realize that “demonstrate that you’re safe and trustworthy through your actions” isn’t necessarily the advice you were looking for, so I want to leave you with this: if you want to know how to behave in ways that make people feel safe around you? Ask yourself: What would Steve Rogers do?

Good luck.   

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I recently decided to make things official with a girl I first dated in the fall of 2023 but ended things with because it didn’t seem like we were right for each other. We had a lot in common as people, so we stayed in touch, but we both dated other people until almost exactly a year later, when coincidentally we both broke up with the people we were with. We met up again, things clicked and five months later we decided we should be exclusive.

The problem is that she will not let go of the fact that, in her mind, I ditched her for the woman I was dating for that year – even though she dated multiple other guys between then and when we got back in contact. She also obsesses over her idea that this woman was so much “hotter” than her, which isn’t even true. I’ve had many, many conversations with her and explained everything honestly. But it just won’t stop. I never know when I’m going to say or do something that in her mind will trigger an outburst about an ex who at this point has been out of the picture for half a year and who I definitely don’t miss or ever directly talk about. She’s even gone to therapy for the issue but it doesn’t seem to have helped her.

She’s a great person for me and our interactions are usually fantastic – except this problem keeps cropping up. What’s my move?

We Were On A Break

DEAR WE WERE ON A BREAK: You know, I get a lot of letters from people with what I call “the Sir Mix-A-Lot problem”  – “everything about our relationship is great…” and then someone calls 1-900-Mix-A-Lot because there’s a big ol’ BUT heading straight for them.

Most of the time, I hear from women who have these relationships, so it’s a little perversely refreshing to have it coming from a man.

I’ll be honest, WWOAB, I wish you mentioned what the circumstances of your breakup were beyond “we didn’t seem right for each other” – whether the breakup was mutual or not, who initiated it and so on. This isn’t going to be relevant to who’s in the right or who’s justified here, so much as how it may give a little insight to where your girlfriend’s head is at.

It’s certainly possible that, if you were the one who initiated the conversation and were also the one to date someone else first after you two broke up, that she feels slighted or that the speed with which you met this person is sus. It also sounds like this was the only person you dated between breaking up and getting back together, while she at least went on dates with other guys in the interim.  From that perspective, I could see how your being with one person for the span of a year seems like a more “serious” connection (in as much as a short-term relationship like that can be serious), while she didn’t find something comparable. She may feel threatened because you had a “stronger” connection with someone, or that there’s some inherent imbalance in what happened during your time apart. Hell, maybe she feels like this is somehow unfair, like you should have had to struggle to find someone but didn’t, while she was supposed to find the hot hot hook-up for her relationship rumspringa.

The only person who really knows what’s going on in her head is your girlfriend, so she’s the only one who can really explain what the issue is here. So you’re going to have to ask her what the deal is… assuming she knows or can put it into words. What ultimately matters isn’t what her grievance is and more how she’s handling it. Specifically, how this has become a weapon that she keeps using against you. This isn’t a rational issue. This is entirely about her and her feelings, her insecurities, and her sense of grievance over the relationship. It’s very much a her problem, but she’s trying to make it a you problem.

Much like taking back a partner who cheated, if she isn’t willing to forgive (in as much as there is anything to forgive) and move on, then she needs to say so and to walk away. It is fundamentally unfair of her to keep making this an issue with you when there seems to be no real way to resolve it. No amount of disclaiming the relationship with this other woman seems to satisfy her, no amount of reassurance is apparently enough to convince her that no, you don’t want to be with this other person. She seems to think more about your ex in the span since you’ve gotten back together than you did the entire time you were with her.

It especially doesn’t help that you’re basically stuck tip-toing through a minefield, never knowing when – not if, when – you’re going to stumble over yet another landmine that you have no reasonable or realistic way of knowing is even there. This sort of behavior is relationship poison; it’s impossible to have a secure and stable connection when some stray word, gesture or, I dunno, facial expression is going to set her off. This is a toxic dynamic under the best of circumstances, and it veers too far to an abusive tactic for my comfort, if I’m going to be honest. I don’t think she’s intending it to be a way of controlling you or keeping you off balance, but it sure as hell is having that effect.

Like I said: at the end of the day, this is a her problem, not a you problem, and she’s the one who’s making it the problem. If this is going to be a constant stone in her shoe, then she’s going to have to be the one to deal with it. Especially since apparently there’s nothing you can do, short of collecting the Infinity Stones and Thanos-snapping that timeline out of existence.

If talking to her therapist isn’t helping, then either she needs a different therapist or she needs to take a different approach. Maybe she’s not admitting to herself where this insecurity is coming from. I dunno. But you need to put down a boundary and say “Look, I’ve said all I’ve had to say on this. We’ve talked this to death and nothing’s changed and there doesn’t seem to be any way for me to reassure you, so I’m done talking about it. You need to find some way to deal with this because it never ends, it’s driving a wedge between us, and if you can’t find some way to move past it, we’re going to have to end this.”

And then you’re going to have to stick to that. You can’t lay down an ultimatum like that if you’re just bluffing; otherwise, all you’ve done is let her know that all your boundaries are just strongly worded suggestions.

Yeah, I know this sounds harsh. But sometimes folks need to get a bucket of cold water splashed in their face to make them realize what they’re about to do. If she’s not going to find some way of getting over something that didn’t involve her, wasn’t about her, happened after you two were no longer dating and has been over for nearly as long as it had gone on? Then there’s no point in continuing this relationship.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com