Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly are the rules for saving seats at an informal event where seats are not assigned?

When I was invited to my nephew’s martial arts presentation, I arrived half an hour early to save seats for my family of five (three of us were present) because the others were coming from work and couldn’t arrive early.

A woman came and sat in one of the saved seats, even though my jacket was on the seat, and I politely told her that it was reserved.

There was no admission fee for the event, and there were plenty of other seats available, although admittedly my saved seats had a better view, which is why I arrived early.

The woman refused to move and passive-aggressively had her teenage sons come and sit next to her and basically half-sit on my lap. I ended up moving because I was uncomfortable and had to stand in the back and miss the action and opportunity to take photos. It truly ruined my night. Was I wrong to assume I could save the seats?

GENTLE READER: It is when whole front rows are saved at the middle school play that Miss Manners declares rudeness.

Her made-up but reasonable-sounding rule is this: No more than one seat saved per person already seated. So your situation qualified.

But just for free, she will give you another tip: Save seats in between the three of you, instead of at the end (i.e.: person, empty seat, person, empty seat, person). Others will be less likely to want to climb in between and sit next to strangers.

Then, when the rest of your party gets there, move over. It helps if copious amounts of bags and coats are piled up on the empty seats -- and makes it more convincing that those who are absent are just in the bathroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a coffee shop with my spouse when a couple of neighbors entered. They approached us and said hello.

I would have liked for them to have joined us because we occasionally cat-sit for each other, and I want to remain on good terms with them. Also, I was feeling social.

But I didn’t know how to word the invitation. “Would you like to join us?” seems to leave them no good way out if they do not happen to feel like socializing. Does Miss Manners have any suggestion regarding how to proceed in such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: “We would love to have you join us” has a subtle difference to it. Since it is a statement and not a question, your neighbors have options, including answering without answering.

They could 1. accept, 2. say, “Thank you, but we have a pressing matter to discuss, and we don’t want to bore you” or, less desirably, 3. say “Thank you,” go get their coffee and just never return. Miss Manners hopes for your sake that if they choose the third, it is not also how they approach sitting your cat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My company has a return to office four days a week mandate this year. While it’s nice to have the in-person camaraderie, co-workers who are conspicuously ill are coming in and spreading their contagion. (My company provides a generous two weeks of "occasional absence," which may be used for sick days, doctor appointments and such.) No one says anything.

I am now sick (at home). These co-workers are not heroes for coming in to work with their germs, but selfish and inconsiderate.

I feel I should say something to our office manager. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you say, “You might want to reiterate the ‘occasional absence’ policy. The return to office mandate seems to have people confused. We surely do not want to encourage people to come to work when they are sick and contagious.”

For maximum effect, Miss Manners recommends you have this conversation whilst sneezing and coughing -- safely over the phone, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a problem at quite a few restaurants I’ve frequented -- that their napkins seemingly come exclusively wrapped around silverware.

So when I ask for an additional napkin or a replacement -- due to it being used to clean my hands or the table, etc. -- I am inevitably given a napkin with a new silverware set, which means I have additional flatware at what are sometimes small tables.

Is there a polite way to ask for a napkin by itself? Or return the additional silverware that is unneeded?

GENTLE READER: There are polite ways to do both.

“Could I please have another napkin?” repeating, “Just the napkin is fine,” if necessary. But if that too gets ignored, Miss Manners thinks it is fine to return the silverware saying, “These are clean, I just needed the napkin, thanks” -- although a reputable restaurant will wash them again anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband believes that when we receive a single, indivisible gift intended for us as a couple (such as a platter, restaurant gift card or other anniversary gift) or a shared experience, like another couple hosting us at a vacation home, both he and I should write separate thank-you note messages (albeit on a single card).

I would prefer that we send a single message, using “we” in the note (e.g., we love X), with one person writing and each individual signing. Is either approach poor etiquette? (We jointly wrote this message, if it matters.)

GENTLE READER: Your reveal at the end notwithstanding, two people cannot properly write a letter.

At the top of yours, however, you began with, “my husband and I” which is the correct way to word it. The rest of a thank-you message would then be in the singular, save for a reiteration or two of how much your husband (or you, if he is writing it) enjoys the present too. Then only the writer would sign it.

But if you would still like to make letters of thanks a joint effort? Miss Manners suggests you take turns writing them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m no more a fan of call waiting than Miss Manners is, but I do want to defend its limited utility. I was co-owner and manager of a small business for several years, and I frequently had to act as receptionist by answering our office phone.

If I’m on the phone and call waiting sounds, I ask Party A to wait 15 seconds while I check my other line. I ask them to call back if we’re disconnected, and I repeat my guarantee that I will get back to them in 15 seconds.

I switch to Party B on the second line by stating my name and asking for theirs. Then I say immediately that I have to return to my other line, but I will definitely call them back in five or 10 or 15 minutes (whichever seems realistic for finishing Party A’s call).

Under no circumstances will I allow Party B to explain the reason for their call; if they try, I interrupt and repeat that I need to hang up and I’ll call them back. If they still keep talking, I tell them for the second time that I have to hang up. Then I hang up, without waiting for their consent or acknowledgement.

If the whole process is handled efficiently, I’m back to Party A within the 15 seconds that I promised. But some people inevitably persist in telling me their story, so I have to stay firm and cut them off.

Am I being rude by hanging up, or is my system sufficiently polite for the modern world?

GENTLE READER: Sufficiently Polite for the Modern World sounds like a standard for those who have given up caring -- one step behind Do Whatever Comes Naturally, though perhaps better than the perpetually dreary Whatever Makes You Happy.

What is interesting about your situation is that business etiquette may indeed have different rules than those that apply in the personal world. Hospitals do not take people on a strictly first-come, first-served basis for a good reason, and this leads her to wonder what service your company provided.

Whatever that is, the more pressing the reason for you to pick up quickly for the next caller -- say, for example, you were staffing a suicide-prevention hotline -- the more reason you would have not to hang up on the current one. And even if you cannot stay with the current person, what justification is there for hanging up rather than putting them back on hold?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who, when she gets a haircut and I don’t acknowledge it, brings that to my attention. It’s never attractive, and I know she’s not going to keep up with it.

I don’t know the polite way of saying, hey, you had a haircut, without saying it looks nice. By the way, she never compliments me on anything.

GENTLE READER: The deep moral iniquity of raising a friend’s spirits by telling her the haircut was a success eludes Miss Manners, but she will take your word for it.

Could you at least smile and say, “You look terrific; did you get a new haircut?” This will, of course, be for naught if your friend is foolish enough to then ask, “Do you like it?” and you feel compelled to answer, “I’m no judge of such things.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)