Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to spend Christmas at a friend's family home since I am away at college and she lives in town. I cannot afford to go home, so it was really nice of her family to invite me. I'm not sure of the protocols around this holiday with these folks. With my family, we have a big tree, lots of presents and food. Everybody pitches in. I have no idea what to expect with my friend. I almost feel like it's too much to ask for me to be there. With my family, it all seems so intimate. How can I figure out what to do with these people? -- Questioning Tradition, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR QUESTIONING TRADITION: You do not need to sweat this. Instead, you need to ask your friend. Start by thanking her profusely for inviting you to share the season with her. Then quiz her on what her family does during this holiday week. Ask about everything -- the range of activities they participate in, such as tree trimming, tree lighting, church services; what happens on Christmas Eve; details about Christmas Day; and roles and responsibilities for family members and you. Find out what the dress codes are for various activities and if there are any unique traditions that they practice over this time period. Ask until you cannot think of anything else. Make sure your friend knows that you are asking because you want to make sure that you understand what is expected and that her family will be comfortable around you as you are also comfortable around them.

When you are with the family, pay attention so that you can notice what the expectations are. And figure out how and where you can have some alone time in case you need to decompress.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years. We decided to stay together even though I was going off to law school. Well, I have made many new friends here, and I have found myself interested in getting to know one of my classmates better. Both of the women are amazing, but I do not want to give up a five-year relationship for what may just be a passing fancy. What do you think? -- Out of Sight, Out of Mind, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND: One of the toughest relationships to have is of the young long-distance variety. When your hormones are raging and you are busy figuring out your life, it's natural that you will meet interesting people. Occasionally, that interest is piqued very intensely. When your significant other is miles away, the temptation can seem insurmountable.

This is when I recommend that you do a self-assessment. What is the commitment you have made to your girlfriend? Do you still want to maintain that bond? Are you willing to risk damaging it by engaging this other woman? Do you want a timeout to see if there is a spark with the woman on campus? Be brutally honest with yourself.

If you end up wanting to try out the new relationship, be respectful and tell your girlfriend. See if you two can work through what is happening. If you stand a chance of staying together, you need to be honest with each other through the rough patches.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have to turn in an application for my child's school, and the document is supposed to be signed by both parents. My wife will be out of the country on business for another month. If I wait until my wife returns, I am afraid I will miss the deadline and my son's opportunity to be enrolled in a great program. I am pretty good at signing her name. Should I sign it? Or what should I do? -- Impatiently waiting, Dallas

DEAR IMPATIENTLY WAITING: Even if your wife is in a third-world country, chances are she can get to a computer or a fax machine. Do not allow her being away to stay in the way of your child's future. Coordinate with your wife to send the document electronically. Sign it and scan it to send to her. Ask her to sign the same document and scan it and send back to you. This way, you do not have to wait for anything except for her to be able to get to the necessary electronic devices.

If, for some reason, she cannot get to a fax or scanner, have her write and send a letter with her signature to the school explaining her situation, including the date when she will return to the country and be able to sign the requisite paperwork

What you require here is coordination on the part of the two of you. There is absolutely no need to give up or to forge your wife's signature.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and his wife are having their second child. Their first child is 10 years old. Is it OK for her to register and have a baby shower for the new baby? They say that so many years have passed that they don't have any baby stuff for the new one. At the same time, they don't want to seem greedy or ill-mannered. What is appropriate? -- Need To Be Clear, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR NEED TO BE CLEAR: Historically, baby showers were hosted to help a couple prepare to bring their child into the world with the various essentials they may need for the first few months to a year. Caring for a child can be expensive, and loved ones are often happy to help support the welcoming of a child to a family. Typically, when more children are born to a family, especially when they come close in birth to the first one, a baby shower is not held because those items that the family got for the first baby can be used for the next.

Obviously, if there is a 10-year gap, it is likely that no baby stuff is left in the house. Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to have a baby shower for this new baby. They should be specific about what they need so that they will get the proper support.

Additionally, I believe that inviting loved ones to gather to bless the coming of a new baby is fine, too. When a family doesn't need stuff, but does want blessings, ask for that!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked on a project that required my lawyer's services. The payoff was supposed to be significant, but in the end, I'm the one who spent money while the whole deal went south. I am bummed about the death of the project, but I am also out a few thousand dollars -- which I don't have -- because I have to pay for legal services. I'm not sure what to do. I simply do not have the money I owe him. I have been ducking him for the past couple of months, but I don't like that feeling. How can I handle this situation with my lawyer when I realistically do not have the money I owe him? -- Face the Music, Denver

DEAR FACE THE MUSIC: Start by reviewing your finances. Figure out what you can pay your attorney. While you may not have the full amount, chances are he will appreciate a good faith effort to pay his fees. Determine what you can pay on a monthly basis and then ask him if he will accept that payment plan. Apologize for not having the full amount up front. Remind him that you had every belief that the deal he was brokering for you was going to come to fruition. Since it did not, you are low on cash. Assure him that if you come into greater resources, you will up his monthly installment accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a falling out with family members last year when we got together over the holidays. Some unkind things were said, and we haven't talked since. That, in and of itself, is not so unusual. We are a once-a-year type of family, at least on this side. But never before have we had a rift between us. I'm wondering if I should prepare myself for an argument, if I should apologize for leaving on bad terms last year or just see how things go. What do you recommend? -- Where We Stand, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR WHERE WE STAND: Review the scene from last year to determine how bad you and your family members left things. If you honestly feel that an apology is in order, be prepared to offer it. It could be as simple as, upon greeting each other, offer a handshake or hug and say, "I'm sorry we got into a bad place last year, here's to making this year's get-together a success." In this way, you acknowledge what could be the elephant in the room. If your family member(s) want to discuss it, go for it -- without emotion.

In general, be in the moment. Decide that you are going to observe and enjoy what's happening before you rather than superimposing old experiences or relationships onto what's happening. Family dynamics often go awry when family members revert back to childhood behaviors and roles. Stay in the here and now. Be kind to each other. Forgive each other for not being perfect. Choose to enjoy the day.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)