Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an offer online to buy a luxury item at a discount for the holidays. I was so excited because it meant that I could purchase it for my daughter, who has wanted the item for so long. I quickly typed in all my information and clicked away.

Later, I thought about it and am worried that I may have given my bank information to a phony company. The offer was almost too good to be true. What if the item doesn't come? What if I gave all of my banking details to some random company?

I feel like an idiot. I am usually pretty careful. What can I do to protect myself in case this company tries to take my money? -- Possibly Duped, Bronx, New York

DEAR POSSIBLY DUPED: Check your bank account religiously to see if any unusual purchases have been made. Verify that the purchase you authorized has gone through as well. Contact your bank and alert it to the situation. It may suggest that you close out your card and get another. Follow the bank's protocol. When you work with your financial institution immediately, you stand a chance of being fully protected if fraud is indeed in play.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is getting older, and I notice that whenever I talk to her on the phone she recounts every single detail of every experience she has had since the time we talked last, which is usually the day before. I am committed to talking to my mother, but I often do not have time to listen to the whole story.

I get that she is older and that this happens sometimes. I wonder, though, if there is a way for me to direct the conversation differently. I hate cutting her off, but I can't talk for two or three hours at a time. -- SOS, Malibu, California

DEAR SOS: Many older people do get stuck in the rut of describing their lives when they are fortunate enough to have others who will listen. Others have physical inefficiencies that result in repetitiveness, including general forgetfulness up to and including a range of degrees of dementia.

You should start by getting your mother a full exam to determine what her mental capacities are. This is important so that you will understand what is appropriate for you in terms of guiding her conversation. If she is mentally healthy, you may be able to introduce word games and other fun activities that can turn your conversations into engagements, much like young people do when they play video games together.

If your mother is suffering from some type of memory loss or other mental challenge, her doctor can help you to figure out activities and conversations that may stimulate her without locking you into the grueling details of a given experience.

Finally, you may have to manage your conversations by giving them starting and ending times and letting her know about them upfront. You can say, "Mom, I can talk for 20 minutes today." Set a timer so that when it goes off, you both know that time's up. Get creative so that you both feel supported in the process.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to spend Christmas at a friend's family home since I am away at college and she lives in town. I cannot afford to go home, so it was really nice of her family to invite me. I'm not sure of the protocols around this holiday with these folks. With my family, we have a big tree, lots of presents and food. Everybody pitches in. I have no idea what to expect with my friend. I almost feel like it's too much to ask for me to be there. With my family, it all seems so intimate. How can I figure out what to do with these people? -- Questioning Tradition, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR QUESTIONING TRADITION: You do not need to sweat this. Instead, you need to ask your friend. Start by thanking her profusely for inviting you to share the season with her. Then quiz her on what her family does during this holiday week. Ask about everything -- the range of activities they participate in, such as tree trimming, tree lighting, church services; what happens on Christmas Eve; details about Christmas Day; and roles and responsibilities for family members and you. Find out what the dress codes are for various activities and if there are any unique traditions that they practice over this time period. Ask until you cannot think of anything else. Make sure your friend knows that you are asking because you want to make sure that you understand what is expected and that her family will be comfortable around you as you are also comfortable around them.

When you are with the family, pay attention so that you can notice what the expectations are. And figure out how and where you can have some alone time in case you need to decompress.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years. We decided to stay together even though I was going off to law school. Well, I have made many new friends here, and I have found myself interested in getting to know one of my classmates better. Both of the women are amazing, but I do not want to give up a five-year relationship for what may just be a passing fancy. What do you think? -- Out of Sight, Out of Mind, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND: One of the toughest relationships to have is of the young long-distance variety. When your hormones are raging and you are busy figuring out your life, it's natural that you will meet interesting people. Occasionally, that interest is piqued very intensely. When your significant other is miles away, the temptation can seem insurmountable.

This is when I recommend that you do a self-assessment. What is the commitment you have made to your girlfriend? Do you still want to maintain that bond? Are you willing to risk damaging it by engaging this other woman? Do you want a timeout to see if there is a spark with the woman on campus? Be brutally honest with yourself.

If you end up wanting to try out the new relationship, be respectful and tell your girlfriend. See if you two can work through what is happening. If you stand a chance of staying together, you need to be honest with each other through the rough patches.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have to turn in an application for my child's school, and the document is supposed to be signed by both parents. My wife will be out of the country on business for another month. If I wait until my wife returns, I am afraid I will miss the deadline and my son's opportunity to be enrolled in a great program. I am pretty good at signing her name. Should I sign it? Or what should I do? -- Impatiently waiting, Dallas

DEAR IMPATIENTLY WAITING: Even if your wife is in a third-world country, chances are she can get to a computer or a fax machine. Do not allow her being away to stay in the way of your child's future. Coordinate with your wife to send the document electronically. Sign it and scan it to send to her. Ask her to sign the same document and scan it and send back to you. This way, you do not have to wait for anything except for her to be able to get to the necessary electronic devices.

If, for some reason, she cannot get to a fax or scanner, have her write and send a letter with her signature to the school explaining her situation, including the date when she will return to the country and be able to sign the requisite paperwork

What you require here is coordination on the part of the two of you. There is absolutely no need to give up or to forge your wife's signature.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and his wife are having their second child. Their first child is 10 years old. Is it OK for her to register and have a baby shower for the new baby? They say that so many years have passed that they don't have any baby stuff for the new one. At the same time, they don't want to seem greedy or ill-mannered. What is appropriate? -- Need To Be Clear, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR NEED TO BE CLEAR: Historically, baby showers were hosted to help a couple prepare to bring their child into the world with the various essentials they may need for the first few months to a year. Caring for a child can be expensive, and loved ones are often happy to help support the welcoming of a child to a family. Typically, when more children are born to a family, especially when they come close in birth to the first one, a baby shower is not held because those items that the family got for the first baby can be used for the next.

Obviously, if there is a 10-year gap, it is likely that no baby stuff is left in the house. Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to have a baby shower for this new baby. They should be specific about what they need so that they will get the proper support.

Additionally, I believe that inviting loved ones to gather to bless the coming of a new baby is fine, too. When a family doesn't need stuff, but does want blessings, ask for that!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)