Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to dinner at a new restaurant in my neighborhood. An old friend is the owner, and I wanted to support his business endeavor. The service was lacking, and the food was all right, though not exactly to my liking. The challenge is that this friend has now offered to cater my birthday for free because it would create more business for him. Catering is such a huge part of my budget that I am tempted to take him up on the offer and save that money, but his food was not that good. I do not know what to do. I want to support him and save money, but I also want to have great food for my guests. I believe that if I do not take him up on the offer, we will no longer be friends simply because he understands the amount of money I can save by just going with him. What do you think? -- Not My Mother's Cooking, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR NOT MY MOTHER'S COOKING: Start by having a clear understanding that business and friendship are two separate things. If you even consider working with your friend, you have to sit down and talk to him honestly about your assessment of his restaurant. Truthfully, this is the kind thing to do anyway. Give him an honest, detailed critique of what worked and what didn't work. The more specific you are, the more capable he will be of addressing the issues you bring up.

Express your trepidation about having him cater your birthday party. Tell him that you don't think he is ready for that yet. You could ask him to do a tasting for you of what he might serve to see if he can work out the kinks. At said tasting, bring someone to accompany you and observe how his servers treat you and the quality of the food. If you still do not like it, do not use him as a caterer. His feelings may be hurt, but that's business. If you decide to go with him, have a written contract that outlines what he is going to provide.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not want my young children to think of the holidays as a time just for gifts. I want to make certain that they understand "the reason for the season." Can you recommend any ways to make sure that they "get it" without feeling left out of all the gift-giving going on around them? -- The Reason for the Season, Atlanta

DEAR THE REASON FOR THE SEASON: The way that you live your life is going to reflect back to your children who you are and what you believe. This includes any religious beliefs and practices that you may have. Take your children to holiday church services so that they learn about the story of Jesus Christ. Participate in activities that give to those in need -- making meals and feeding the hungry, caroling at senior centers, making and/or buying gifts and delivering them to shelters, churches and other areas where there is need.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have not been getting along for quite some time. We argue a lot and rarely speak in friendly terms to each other. We were just with family for Thanksgiving, and while we had a decent time, it wasn't without the normal and extremely uncomfortable moments when he spoke to me like I was stupid or something. His classic is saying sexually inappropriate things to me in front of other people or groping my breasts or my behind when other people are in the room. When I tell him that I do not like when he does that, he acts like I am blowing things out of proportion. It has gotten so bad that I don't really want to go out with him anymore. I'm tired of being embarrassed.

I have asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses. We have two children and tons of debt. I don't feel like I have a way out, but I know something's got to give. What can I do? -- Beyond Humiliation, Denver

DEAR BEYOND HUMILIATION: In this time of discomfort, are you and your husband sexually intimate at all? It sounds like he is taunting you, possibly because you are "denying" him. Sometimes when relationships erode, the sexual component dies, thereby leaving a couple without that key connection of tenderness that can act as a salve to heal emotional wounds.

If you and your husband are at a crossroads that has gotten so brittle that it does not include any form of intimacy, it may be difficult reclaiming each other -- but not impossible if you both want it.

Start by inviting your husband on a date with just the two of you. Go to a place where you believe you can both enjoy yourselves and have enough privacy to talk. Talk to your husband about your life together. Express your concerns about how poorly you two have been getting along of late. Tell him that you do not think that the way things are going right now is healthy for the children or for the two of you.

Ask him how he feels about your relationship. Do your best to get him to open up about what he is experiencing and what he wants. Tell him that you want to take this time to talk about what you want for your life together and for your family. While it may be incredibly difficult to speak directly about the sensitive aspects of your marriage, make the effort. Before things escalate, ask again if he will consider counseling to help you through this rough patch. By all means, let him know how you are feeling, including how upsetting it is for you when he speaks to you in a degrading way and when he gropes you. Suggest that you work together to find your way back to intimacy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It seems that a new trend is for people to ask for donations to charities in their name instead of traditional birthday gifts. That's a nice idea, but what if I don't approve of their charity of choice? How can I still be of support? -- Wanting to Give, Detroit

DEAR WANTING TO GIVE: You can write a check to the person and include a note saying, "use the money in any way you please." Or you can give to a similar charity that you do support -- in the person's name.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an offer online to buy a luxury item at a discount for the holidays. I was so excited because it meant that I could purchase it for my daughter, who has wanted the item for so long. I quickly typed in all my information and clicked away.

Later, I thought about it and am worried that I may have given my bank information to a phony company. The offer was almost too good to be true. What if the item doesn't come? What if I gave all of my banking details to some random company?

I feel like an idiot. I am usually pretty careful. What can I do to protect myself in case this company tries to take my money? -- Possibly Duped, Bronx, New York

DEAR POSSIBLY DUPED: Check your bank account religiously to see if any unusual purchases have been made. Verify that the purchase you authorized has gone through as well. Contact your bank and alert it to the situation. It may suggest that you close out your card and get another. Follow the bank's protocol. When you work with your financial institution immediately, you stand a chance of being fully protected if fraud is indeed in play.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is getting older, and I notice that whenever I talk to her on the phone she recounts every single detail of every experience she has had since the time we talked last, which is usually the day before. I am committed to talking to my mother, but I often do not have time to listen to the whole story.

I get that she is older and that this happens sometimes. I wonder, though, if there is a way for me to direct the conversation differently. I hate cutting her off, but I can't talk for two or three hours at a time. -- SOS, Malibu, California

DEAR SOS: Many older people do get stuck in the rut of describing their lives when they are fortunate enough to have others who will listen. Others have physical inefficiencies that result in repetitiveness, including general forgetfulness up to and including a range of degrees of dementia.

You should start by getting your mother a full exam to determine what her mental capacities are. This is important so that you will understand what is appropriate for you in terms of guiding her conversation. If she is mentally healthy, you may be able to introduce word games and other fun activities that can turn your conversations into engagements, much like young people do when they play video games together.

If your mother is suffering from some type of memory loss or other mental challenge, her doctor can help you to figure out activities and conversations that may stimulate her without locking you into the grueling details of a given experience.

Finally, you may have to manage your conversations by giving them starting and ending times and letting her know about them upfront. You can say, "Mom, I can talk for 20 minutes today." Set a timer so that when it goes off, you both know that time's up. Get creative so that you both feel supported in the process.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)