Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to go to lunch with a business associate. When I arrived at the restaurant and walked through the door, all I could smell was juice being made in a juicer, and I realized instantly that I was allergic to whatever was being juiced. I had to step out immediately because I could hardly breathe. It was so embarrassing. When my associate came -- with two other people who I didn't know would be there -- I had to tell him that I could not go to that restaurant. It was really awkward because we were in an area that wasn't really near other nice restaurants.

Ultimately, because he looked so uncomfortable, I bowed out and suggested that they go ahead and have lunch and that I would see them another time. But I feel terrible. How could I know that this would happen? I have gone to many restaurants, and this has never happened before. Yes, I have allergies, but generally I just have to be careful what I eat. What can I say to this guy as a follow-up? -- Bound by Allergies, Detroit

DEAR BOUND BY ALLERGIES: Reach out to your associate right away and apologize for not being able to join him and the others at lunch. Ask if he would like to get together at another time and if there are any points from the lunch that he would like to share. Do not bring up your allergic reaction. Obviously, you both know it happened. If he mentions it, apologize again. You can then say that you have never had such an extreme reaction before, and you are sorry that it created an inconvenience to your gathering. Finally, ask who the other guests were and whether he would like to schedule another time for you to meet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a craftsperson, and I have been working for the past couple of years to build a business selling my art. I invited a few friends to a preview sale to see their reaction and to sell items if at all possible. The weirdest thing happened: Everybody said that they liked my artwork, and also everybody asked either for a "friend" discount or to be given items for free. I was so disappointed. These people know how hard I have been working to be able to make a living doing my art. I ended up giving them a discount, but my feelings are hurt. Should I tell them? -- Friends vs. Business, Dallas

DEAR FRIENDS VS. BUSINESS: Never assume that your friends are your customers. That often isn't the case. Instead, consider them as tastemakers whom you invite to be on the inside track. The benefit you get from giving friends and colleagues a discount and an early view is that they can then brag about being the first to know your collection. They can do wonders by promoting your work to others who will potentially pay the full price. This is why you do need to make it clear to your friends what the actual cost is so that they can promote that -- not their special price.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 11-year-old is still a firm Santa lover and believer. Her friends at school, however, deride her for her beliefs. What's interesting is that she doesn't seem to care much what they have to say. She says she knows who the real Santa is -- a man who is different from the mall Santas and others you see in movies and such. I really like that even as she is growing up, she appreciates the magic of Santa. What can I do to support her without babying her? -- Santa Love, Detroit

DEAR SANTA LOVE: Follow your daughter's lead. Know that there are adults who live their entire lives treasuring their thoughts of Santa Claus. Even some people who do not have children spend a tremendous amount of time and money on this season. It can be a time of great joy and camaraderie for individuals and communities.

Rather than worrying about your daughter, who does not seem to be worrying herself, support her in her beliefs. At her age, she should know that gifts come from a variety of sources, including parents, relatives and friends -- as well as Santa. Make sure that you emphasize the range of gifting that she may receive. You should also encourage her to give to those in need as she welcomes gifts of her own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has had a best friend in school since he was in kindergarten. Last year, however, this friend started treating my son poorly. It didn't get as far as bullying, but he definitely wasn't nice. He started hanging out with a group of athletes. (My son is more of a geek.) And this athlete group has not wanted to hang out with my son at all. Honestly, it has seemed more like the cattiness that girls sometimes have more than boys. But this is how it is. He still loves his friend and wants him in his life. They are both 8 years old. How can I protect my son? -- Almost Bullied, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR ALMOST BULLIED: The best thing you can do for your son is to get him involved in activities that appeal to his senses. You say he is a geek. How would he define that in terms of his interests? Does he like to read? Play chess? Do experiments? Whatever strikes his interests should be your focus. Sign him up for after-school and weekend classes.

Your goal is to occupy his time and attention with the things that make him happy. In this way, he will be less reliant on the friend in question because he won't have time to hang out with this one child too frequently.

As it relates to the negative commentary that may come from this boy and his friends, your son can tell his friend directly that he does not appreciate the way he is being treated and thought that they were better friends than that. He can tell the boy that if he continues to be mean to him, they can no longer be friends. Your son can also report the boy's behavior to the principal.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is in the middle of an ugly divorce. She has been telling me the details, and it just sounds horrible. I try to be a good listener, which is hard because the stories are just so awful, but I don't know what else to do. She has an attorney, and they are going through the trial right now. I want to do something special for my friend, but I can't figure out what in the world that could be. Meanwhile, I am a little exhausted from listening to her go on and on about everything. What can I do? -- In the Middle, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Being a good listener is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who is in turmoil, but you do have to look out for yourself at the same time. If your friend likes to be pampered, perhaps you can give her a gift certificate for a massage. That is a very relaxing activity that can help her to be still for a while.

You can also decide that you are not on call for your friend. You can let her calls go to voicemail when it gets to be too much. You can tell her that you are going through your own stuff right now and need some space. You can also recommend to her that she consider getting a psychologist who can help her navigate this tough period. As a friend, you can only do so much. You should not consider yourself a failure if you cannot be there for every moment of her journey.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into one of my husband's good friends, and we had a long chat. During the time that we talked, I realized that she has an inside seat to the details of my life. She knew all kinds of things about my marriage, particularly the issues that my husband and I have been going through recently. I was taken aback when I heard her mention some of the absolute worst things about our relationship that I have told no one. I am upset that my husband would have told her so much. How should I address this with him? I am afraid that he will be mad at me and say he has the right to talk to whomever he wants to. I would prefer for us to talk to each other. -- Create a Dialogue, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR CREATE A DIALOGUE: Invite your husband to sit down and talk to you. Acknowledge that you two have been going through a rough period. Ask him how he is feeling about your life together. Do your best to get him to open up about your challenges.

Rather than accusing him of sharing your secrets, get him to talk to you. You can tell him how you feel about the issues at hand and what you hope the future looks like. To get him to talk is to create a feeling of a safe space between you, one that is free of accusations or blame. If you can get to that place, use it as a springboard to work on your marriage. When you are on solid footing, you can then suggest to your husband that you both choose to keep the intimate details of your marriage to yourselves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)