Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: We drive a lot at the end of the year going to visit family in three states. There are five us -- two adults and three kids. We have fun usually, but one of the things that always causes some friction is what music we listen to. All of us have different musical tastes, and tempers flare when the hours tick away and one of us wants a particular music that's not playing. In the past, we would defer to the driver because music can help to keep you alert. But that doesn't totally work because the four other people aren't satisfied. What do you recommend? -- In Tune, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IN TUNE: I recommend that you mix up all of the activities, including the music. Do not keep music on all the time. Play word games or location games that get everyone looking out the window and learning about where you are going. Tell fun stories about previous trips. Invite each family member to contribute. You may even want to start a story and pass the story around so that you build the story together. Don't worry if it turns a bit fictional. What's important is that it should be fun.

As far as music goes, give each person a 20-minute window for listening to his or her favorite songs. Either shop for your music on the various available channels, or go to your own music on CDs to play. Keep mixing up the genres so that everybody has fun. With the various music services now, you may also want to explore new options. For example, there's a free app called Songza that has unusual playlists based on specific interests. My husband plays that when we are on long road trips, and we all get to hear a medley of unusual musical selections. Make it fun for the family. Your attitude toward your time in the car will make all the difference in how welcoming your family members are to each other's preferences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I am constantly having health issues of one kind or another. My husband calls me a hypochondriac because when I really feel bad, I go to the doctor. He says I should just change the way I eat and exercise more because medicine is not going to help me. I do think he has a point about exercise and diet, but I feel pretty certain that if I have a serious upper respiratory infection or a massive headache, I should get it checked out. When I have gone to the doctor for these things and others, I get medicine that works. The problem is if I get another respiratory infection, I have to go again. My husband doesn't have issues like me, so he thinks I'm overreacting. My doctor doesn't, by the way. How can I get him to be more understanding? -- Health Challenged, Dallas

DEAR HEALTH CHALLENGED: If you are willing to have your husband learn all the details of your health history, bring him with you to a doctor's appointment and encourage him to ask questions about your health status and the care recommended by the doctor. Let him pose his range of questions to the health professional who can answer them with clarity and perspective. This may help.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to a formal event, and I am not sure of what to wear. I went to a formal affair last year, and I went out and bought a long gown because I thought that was the implied dress code, but when I got to the event, I felt overdressed. Most of the women had on cocktail dresses, and few men had on tuxedos. I know that a few years ago, formal meant dressed up like that. I don't know what to think today. What should I wear? -- The New Formal, Los Angeles

DEAR THE NEW FORMAL: Dress codes have relaxed pretty substantially over time such that even the notion of a formal event's dress code has become a question. You are right that formal once meant long dresses and tuxedos. Formal once was synonymous with black-tie. These days, formal has relaxed to include long gowns and also cocktail dresses.

When in doubt, ask your host. Rather than being unsure about what is expected at this event, contact the host or event planner and ask.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so confused about tipping at the end of the year. I'm not sure who I am supposed to give money to -- or how much, for that matter. I have limited finances, but I don't want to insult anyone by leaving them out. I've been told that giving baked goods or something like that doesn't really work for most of the service people in my life. So I need to know what I should pay to people like the newspaper boy, the guy who cuts the lawn and the baby sitter. Are there guidelines that I can follow without going totally broke? -- Tipper, Chicago

DEAR TIPPER: You are not the only one who is confused about this one. Most of us have a healthy list of service providers who would appreciate an end-of-year tip. I recommend that you give something to the people on your list. At the same time, I want to point out that it is not mandatory to do so, and you should not break your budget. Indeed, it is smart to include them in your overall gift-giving list so that you account for that money upfront.

That said, here are the general guidelines for most of these people: baby sitter, the average cost of one night; paper delivery person, $10-$20; lawn service provider, cost of one visit; nanny, one week to one month's pay; hairdresser, cost of one visit; nail technician (if you go to the same person), cost of one visit. In the instances where multiple people provide services for you over the year, like the nail salon, you can go back to the traditional gifts that many used to give, such as a box of cookies or chocolates that they can share. The point of giving these gifts is to express your gratitude for their support over the year, not to go broke.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family had a horrible scare recently. My husband was in a car accident and got seriously hurt. We have been married for 10 years and have two young children. Because we are both young, we hadn't really thought about things like accidents, illness, death -- none of that. Now that my husband is injured and out of work indefinitely, we are in quite a bind. We applied for worker's compensation, but we have none of the things that will protect a family. Well, my husband has a small insurance policy through his job, but it's not going to be enough if he isn't able to go back to work. We don't know the first thing about getting this part of our life in order. What should we do? -- In Jeopardy, Denver

DEAR IN JEOPARDY: It is a blessing that your husband is alive. I join you in praying for his full recovery. Because you are not savvy about finances and insurance, I recommend that you immediately get help. Start with your husband's job. Contact the human resources department and find out exactly what protection your husband has. Learn if you can add to his insurance policy. Find out if he has disability insurance. Next, contact a financial professional to get support learning which tools are right for you. You can work with a life insurance company or a bank to identify what protection your family needs and can afford.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I will be visiting my family for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Typically, by the third or fourth day, somebody has a meltdown. I think it's just that there are so many of us in the house together, and one of my siblings or else my aunt starts picking, and arguments start. I hate arguing. I hated it as a kid, too. But they seem to love it. How can I get through the week without getting caught up in the mess? I really do not want to argue. -- No More Drama, Chicago

DEAR NO MORE DRAMA: What often happens with families is that adults revert back to their childhood roles and behaviors. Even those who function perfectly competently in their normal lives can quickly slip into insecure childhood ways if they aren't paying attention. What you can do to avoid that discomfort is to remember who you are. Take a few minutes each morning to think about how you engage with the many people who are part of your life. How do you manage conflict at work and with friends?

Start your day with a few minutes of meditation. Sit quietly and breathe deeply. Invite your inner strength to guide your steps. When something happens during the day that annoys you, take another deep breath. Observe the moment and look to see what might really be going on. Listen instead of reacting. Decide not to respond to old triggers. Instead, you can be quiet, laugh or walk away.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)