Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My step-sister has brought a different guy home for Christmas the past four years. I'm sure a new one will be coming again this year. My step-sister, Maggie, has gotten progressively more annoyed with the family for not paying as much attention as she would like toward her new boyfriends, but the holidays are a time to spend with family, not interviewing a man we'll never see again. We do not want to call out Maggie for her rhythm of bringing boys in and out; however, we need her to accept that this is not a regular family dinner -- this is Christmas! The first two boyfriends were definitely scrutinized, but we realized by the third that this was a tradition, so everyone lost interest. It is not my place to suggest that she bring no one and celebrate with family only, but complaining that the attention is not on her boy-of-the-season is ridiculous, and I'd like to call her out on it. What do I say? -- Holidays Are for Family, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR HOLIDAYS ARE FOR FAMILY: Out of love and respect for Maggie, reach out to her before Christmas. Admit that you know she is upset because the family hasn't spent as much time with her dates as they did a few years ago. Tell her the truth: that you consider Christmas a very special time, reserved for family. If she is serious about somebody she wants to bring into the family -- for real -- you may be able to rally the troops to vet him. Otherwise, it's not going to happen. The rest of the family wants to connect with each other, including her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After my mother got remarried to a religious man, the family has been expected to pray before each meal. I find that this is acceptable for religious holidays like Christmas and Easter, but otherwise it is awkward. I typically abstain from holding hands with the family because of how I was raised. My father is an atheist, and my mother never really discussed religion prior to meeting this man. I don't plan to discuss my religious beliefs with my new family, but I am wondering if it is rude of me to abstain from the prayers. If someone from a different religion were to come to dinner one night, I doubt they would be expected to pray. I celebrate Catholic holidays with them for the sake of not separating myself from the family. Is abstaining from the prayer disrespectful to my step-father, who is leading these prayers? -- Probably Not Praying, Syracuse, New York

DEAR PROBABLY NOT PRAYING: A few thoughts come to mind. For starters, talk to your mother. Ask her to help navigate this new landscape she has created. Beyond your mother, know that when you are in someone else's house, it is expected that you will follow that person's rules. Given your upbringing and relationship to religion, that can pose a problem. The simplest solution may be to be quiet -- to not recite the prayer, but not to balk either.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: This Christmas, I would like my girlfriend to celebrate the holiday with my family. I love my girlfriend, but I sometimes fear that she did not have as formal an upbringing as I did. My family has a five-course meal for dinner, which is preluded with a cocktail hour of sorts for mingling and hors d'oeuvres. I have never seen my girlfriend in a formal situation like this, and I do not want to scare her off by warning her. I think she has the right to be prepared. She has previously said that she finds people who are excessively formal with their families stuffy, but she understands that not all families are as close as hers. I know suggesting etiquette lessons is bold, but a book or online guide isn't as pushy, right? I just want her to make the best impression possible. She's a great girl, but she may need a little help this holiday season from etiquette masters. -- Charming Christmas Girlfriend, Atlanta

DEAR CHARMING CHRISTMAS GIRLFRIEND: You absolutely must tell your girlfriend that your family is that family, the one she gets skittish around, due to the formality. Assure her that your family loves each other, but they take the rules of the table and the whole sense of formality very seriously. Tell her that you are excited to welcome her to your family activities during the holiday and suggest that she might feel more comfortable if she has a sense of what she's walking into in advance. I don't think you need to suggest etiquette classes unless you plan to take them together. That could be fun! Shy of a formal class, can't you teach her what you know? Make it a date in advance of your family gathering where you walk her through everything you remember that you do -- from what to wear to which utensils to use when. Doing it together may take the edge off of any fumbles that will surely come.

You should also prep your family. Tell them you are bringing your girlfriend. Ask them to be kind to her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother has told me the sky's the limit for Christmas presents this year. I am worried about why she is acting like this, especially since I don't think she has received a raise of any sort. I am not going to ask for demanding presents or truly reach this sky's limit, but I want to know where this spending attitude of hers came from. I feel like she cannot afford the presents she's trying to offer. I don't want her to feel responsible for making Christmas extravagant, especially when it does not have to be! I know many people are tempted to spend during the season, but I want to get to the root of this problem. How can I sensitively broach this topic with my mother? I do not want to appear suspicious of her finances. -- New Funds Attitude, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR NEW FUNDS ATTITUDE: Rather than spoiling your mother's effort to bring cheer to the holidays by interrogating her, get together with your siblings and agree to ask for modest gifts. Let your mother know that what is most important is that you spend time with each other.

When you are face to face with her, if she wants to talk about her extravagant thoughts, listen carefully. Otherwise, let it be.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was 4 years old, my mother took me to get my ears pierced. After my first ear was pierced, I began screaming and crying. I ran away and never got my second ear pierced. This was over 20 years ago. I have gotten around my single piercing by wearing one clip-on and one regular earring. No one has realized, at least to my knowledge, that I do not have both ears pierced. I realized that there is nothing stopping me from getting my other ear pierced except extreme fear. So many people in this world have their ears pierced, and it is not an expensive endeavor. I find half of me to be so silly for being scared, but the other half is paralyzed as I get close to piercing places. I want to go and have both of my ears pierced, but I can't seem to garner enough courage to get it done. Should I bring friends so they make me do it? -- Two Piercings, Atlanta

DEAR TWO PIERCINGS: Why do you want the other piercing so badly? Instead of agonizing over that second piercing, embrace your uniqueness. You can wear just one earring and have that be your signature. Or you can continue with the pierced and clip-on routine. Most important is that you accept yourself for who you are, including your fear of piercing. Since this fear is not about something that is a requirement for your life, you don't have to conquer it -- at least not right now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It's the end of the year, and I am feeling very melancholy. I lost a dear friend earlier this year. Just this week, I learned that two other friends are very ill. Then there's all of the ongoing violence and death throughout the world. It feels overwhelming sometimes. I can't seem to shake the sadness. I don't like to be around people when I'm down, but being alone is only making me sadder. What do you suggest that I do to feel better? -- In the Dumps, Philadelphia

DEAR IN THE DUMPS: Now is the perfect time to do public service. I find that when I help those who are in need, it takes my thoughts off of my problems. At this time of year, there are so many things you can do. Find a retirement home and offer to volunteer helping them trim the Christmas tree or read to residents. Go to your local hospital and find out if you can read to the children or elders. Visit a local church and learn about the efforts they have underway to support those in need during the holidays. Any community center, house of worship or even school should have projects underway that could use support. Jump in and participate with the others who are there. This should help to lift your spirits.

If you remain extremely low, you should also seek counseling. Sometimes professional help is important when you find yourself lost in despair. Good luck to you!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)