Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My building has a laundry room in the basement for all of the residents to use. The machines are free, so many people want to use the six we have. I was having a debate with my neighbor the other day. I believe that if someone has not come to take out their clothing when it is done in the washers or dryers, I have the right to take it out and use them. My neighbor believes it's common courtesy to wait for the person to take his own belongings out. People have left their clothes in the machines for hours! I think setting a timer and being ready to take out your clothes is the best thing you can do to keep the laundry system moving. My neighbor thinks it's rude of me to take out someone's clothing if they're not there to pick it up. Who is right? -- Clean Laundry, Queens, New York

DEAR CLEAN LAUNDRY: It is rude and selfish for neighbors to leave their laundry in the machines for hours, and of course you should not have wait for them to remove their belongings before you use the common machines. That said, it is best for you to contact your building management and ask them to make a policy that they post rather than taking on your neighbors firsthand.

Often the rule is a grace period of one hour or less. After that, your belongings go in a communal bin on the table or somewhere else. If this happens enough, people will get the message.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Upon driving past my neighbor's house, I noticed they had put up their holiday decorations. I admire their commitment to decorating their house so festively. The problem is that the decorations are quite ... phallic. These neighbors are elderly and have set up north poles on their front yard and have unfortunately placed two oversized ornaments in front of the candy-striped poles. The decorations are incredibly beautiful, just positioned in an unfortunate way. I would offer to rearrange them, but I do not even know how to broach this topic without seeming like a pervert. Twinkling holiday lights can be added and the ornaments can be moved around. I told myself I'd wait until the first snow to offer to shovel their lawn and slyly rearrange their decorations. I do not want them to be the pity -- or laughingstocks -- of the town. Should I just tell them how it looks and offer to rearrange it? -- Change It Up, Reisterstown, Maryland

DEAR CHANGE IT UP: If the decorations are truly, obviously, phallic looking, the kindest thing you can do is to tell your neighbors. Surely they do not realize it. Maybe you can take a picture of their arrangement and then go by and visit and show them. Gently suggest that you would be happy to adjust the designs a bit to make them more PC. If they brush it off, so be it. But at least you will have made an honest effort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: At a dinner celebrating my mother's birthday, one of her friends announced her opinion on the current refugee situation. Our opinions are polar opposites, and my mom's friend, Carol, believes no one should be let into the country. I was the youngest at the table, and I did not expect to be brought into a conversation with people 2 to 3 times my age. However, Carol turned to me and asked me if I agreed with her. I hate debating and political conversations around the dinner table. I did not want to engage her and was a bit surprised I was being brought into the conversation. I blurted out that I didn't have an opinion. Carol seemed a bit confused, but I'm not sure what else I could've done to avoid a debate. I am not sure if there's a way to tell someone that I do not agree with them and end the conversation without explanations and rebuttals. Did I take the best route out of confrontation with Carol? I think we all knew that I had an opinion I did not want to share. -- Not a Fighter, Wilmington, Delaware

DEAR NOT A FIGHTER: While I tend to prefer testy conversations to occur after dinner (after your food is digested), I do not think you should shy away from expressing your opinion about hot-button issues. You can do so in a calm manner. But you will have to explain why you feel a particular way. You can say, "Carol, I respectfully disagree with you because..." It's best if you have concrete information to back up your thoughts. But even if you come from the perspective of being thoughtful about humanity or feeling strong about protecting our borders, be clear. You don't have to debate your point, but stating it is wise to do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was volunteering at a sale my church hosts twice a year. It was a slow day, and the head of the sale announced to all of the volunteers, "Go out and buy something!" I construed this as an invitation to peruse instead of work, so I admired all of the products for sale and returned to my station. Then, the leader looked at me like I was a moron and said, "I told you to buy something. The day is slow!" Eventually, all of the volunteers ended up making a purchase and then we were dismissed because it was evident no one else was coming. I feel used. I volunteered my hours and then was coerced into buying something. I did not like this, and I don't plan on returning to the sale. The purchases were for a good cause, but we were donating our time to the sale. We weren't planning on being forced to spend money. Should I ask the other volunteers if they feel the same way? I think the head of the sale should be asked to step down. -- How Rude, Baltimore

DEAR HOW RUDE: Speak to the head of the church instead. Explain what happened and how you feel about it. Make it clear that you don't want to volunteer anymore as a result of the event coordinator's actions. That should help to make a change.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was expecting a package for a while, and eventually got it delivered ... by my sheepish neighbor, who had opened it! What? I was not here when he dropped it off on my porch, but he left a note saying, "Sorry, I thought it was for me -- Dave." I was so confused, and I couldn't believe he had opened my mail. Did he want to know what I was ordering? Was he so excited to get a package that he didn't look at MY name plastered on it? I am not one for confrontation, but I am definitely fuming. I want to march right over there, but I do not want to accuse him of anything. Maybe he did make a mistake, but my mail has the right to remain private! I'm worried about this happening again. Should I just leave his note with a response on the back on his door? I want to tell him to check his mail, and I'll check mine, too. -- Mail Bandit, Milwaukee

DEAR MAIL BANDIT: Take a few deep breaths and calm down before you do anything. Know that your neighbor could have opened your box and kept it without ever telling you of his error. While that would have been illegal, it happens all the time. Take your neighbor at his word. The next time you see him, thank him for returning the box to you. Tell him you are grateful that he figured out his mistake, and offer up that you both should be more mindful before opening the mail.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my good friends, Kate, and I finished working on an island for the summer season. As the season ended, we had a talk about how although we love each other, we could never be in a relationship without everything going up in flames. We are great friends to each other, and we keep in touch the whole year until we reunite for the summer season. This year ended any hopes that each of us had of being together. It feels like we always used to be each other's backups for life partners, but now that safety net has been cut. It's been a few months since this conversation, and I'm wondering if we made a mistake. On one hand, we get along well and feel a deep connection to each other; however, we are very similar and fight often. I don't want to string her along, but I always want to be close with Kate. Is there any way to do that without falling back into the talks of being in a relationship? -- Summer Season Love, Portland, Oregon

DEAR SUMMER SEASON LOVE: Ask yourself if you sincerely want to be in a relationship with Kate. In order to consider requesting more from her, you have to be sincere about giving this relationship a shot. If you are, contact her and tell her that you think you two made a mistake by putting boundaries around your bond. Tell her that you want to see what comes of you two as a couple. Ask her if she feels the same. The fact that you talked about it this summer suggests that one of you was already thinking about it.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)