Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend's family always surprises each other with the gifts they give each other for birthdays and holidays. This is a complete 180-degree switch from my family, who is very transparent in saying what we want and then getting those gifts from one another. After discussing this with my boyfriend, I realized that I wouldn't just be able to ask him what he wants for Christmas and get him this gift. He thinks my family sucked all of the fun and surprise out of the holidays, while I think leaving mystery in gift-giving leaves room for unwanted presents. I am OK with him surprising me with presents, but I want him to like the presents I get him. I feel like gift-giving is more difficult for men, and he doesn't want to give me any suggestions because he wants to be surprised. There must be a compromise somewhere, right? -- Gift Gamble, Westchester, New York

DEAR GIFT GAMBLE: Consider this a fun challenge. Pay closer attention to what your boyfriend likes. Notice the games he plays, the gadgets he admires, what he enjoys doing. What are his quirks? He is right that if you can discover something about him that would bring him joy, it would be a welcome surprise. Rather than considering this a burden, think of it as a game of getting to know him better. Your gift could be tickets to a ballgame or a concert or the latest music from his favorite band. Get creative -- it can be fun!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday and Christmas are a few days apart, and I always feel like my birthday, which is before Christmas, comes off as a burden to my family. I hate combined presents, and I feel like my birthday may as well not be acknowledged if it will be that much of an afterthought for everyone. I am always on the fence of wanting two gifts and seeming greedy. My sister's birthday is in July, and she has never had to deal with combined presents, whereas I've been given combined presents for most of my life. I did not ask to be born at such an inconvenient time, but I would like to be celebrated at least every few years. It seems like I cannot make anyone have time to celebrate my birthday, or give me a card or present. There are some days where I don't even care about the material items and just want my family to admit that they don't care about my birthday because of its proximity to Christmas. When I voice these thoughts to my family, they don't know what to say. Once my mom said that we're in the same situation because her birthday is a week after Valentine's Day. It's not even similar! Is it time to stop including them in birthday plans and make my own? I hate feeling like an afterthought each year. -- Forgotten Christmas Baby, Buffalo, New York

DEAR FORGOTTEN CHRISTMAS BABY: Yes, you should make your own fun. Create a small celebration that you invite your friends and family to attend. Presents should not be as important as their presence. Take control of your celebration. Do not guilt them afterwards. Just enjoy it!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My building has a laundry room in the basement for all of the residents to use. The machines are free, so many people want to use the six we have. I was having a debate with my neighbor the other day. I believe that if someone has not come to take out their clothing when it is done in the washers or dryers, I have the right to take it out and use them. My neighbor believes it's common courtesy to wait for the person to take his own belongings out. People have left their clothes in the machines for hours! I think setting a timer and being ready to take out your clothes is the best thing you can do to keep the laundry system moving. My neighbor thinks it's rude of me to take out someone's clothing if they're not there to pick it up. Who is right? -- Clean Laundry, Queens, New York

DEAR CLEAN LAUNDRY: It is rude and selfish for neighbors to leave their laundry in the machines for hours, and of course you should not have wait for them to remove their belongings before you use the common machines. That said, it is best for you to contact your building management and ask them to make a policy that they post rather than taking on your neighbors firsthand.

Often the rule is a grace period of one hour or less. After that, your belongings go in a communal bin on the table or somewhere else. If this happens enough, people will get the message.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Upon driving past my neighbor's house, I noticed they had put up their holiday decorations. I admire their commitment to decorating their house so festively. The problem is that the decorations are quite ... phallic. These neighbors are elderly and have set up north poles on their front yard and have unfortunately placed two oversized ornaments in front of the candy-striped poles. The decorations are incredibly beautiful, just positioned in an unfortunate way. I would offer to rearrange them, but I do not even know how to broach this topic without seeming like a pervert. Twinkling holiday lights can be added and the ornaments can be moved around. I told myself I'd wait until the first snow to offer to shovel their lawn and slyly rearrange their decorations. I do not want them to be the pity -- or laughingstocks -- of the town. Should I just tell them how it looks and offer to rearrange it? -- Change It Up, Reisterstown, Maryland

DEAR CHANGE IT UP: If the decorations are truly, obviously, phallic looking, the kindest thing you can do is to tell your neighbors. Surely they do not realize it. Maybe you can take a picture of their arrangement and then go by and visit and show them. Gently suggest that you would be happy to adjust the designs a bit to make them more PC. If they brush it off, so be it. But at least you will have made an honest effort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: At a dinner celebrating my mother's birthday, one of her friends announced her opinion on the current refugee situation. Our opinions are polar opposites, and my mom's friend, Carol, believes no one should be let into the country. I was the youngest at the table, and I did not expect to be brought into a conversation with people 2 to 3 times my age. However, Carol turned to me and asked me if I agreed with her. I hate debating and political conversations around the dinner table. I did not want to engage her and was a bit surprised I was being brought into the conversation. I blurted out that I didn't have an opinion. Carol seemed a bit confused, but I'm not sure what else I could've done to avoid a debate. I am not sure if there's a way to tell someone that I do not agree with them and end the conversation without explanations and rebuttals. Did I take the best route out of confrontation with Carol? I think we all knew that I had an opinion I did not want to share. -- Not a Fighter, Wilmington, Delaware

DEAR NOT A FIGHTER: While I tend to prefer testy conversations to occur after dinner (after your food is digested), I do not think you should shy away from expressing your opinion about hot-button issues. You can do so in a calm manner. But you will have to explain why you feel a particular way. You can say, "Carol, I respectfully disagree with you because..." It's best if you have concrete information to back up your thoughts. But even if you come from the perspective of being thoughtful about humanity or feeling strong about protecting our borders, be clear. You don't have to debate your point, but stating it is wise to do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was volunteering at a sale my church hosts twice a year. It was a slow day, and the head of the sale announced to all of the volunteers, "Go out and buy something!" I construed this as an invitation to peruse instead of work, so I admired all of the products for sale and returned to my station. Then, the leader looked at me like I was a moron and said, "I told you to buy something. The day is slow!" Eventually, all of the volunteers ended up making a purchase and then we were dismissed because it was evident no one else was coming. I feel used. I volunteered my hours and then was coerced into buying something. I did not like this, and I don't plan on returning to the sale. The purchases were for a good cause, but we were donating our time to the sale. We weren't planning on being forced to spend money. Should I ask the other volunteers if they feel the same way? I think the head of the sale should be asked to step down. -- How Rude, Baltimore

DEAR HOW RUDE: Speak to the head of the church instead. Explain what happened and how you feel about it. Make it clear that you don't want to volunteer anymore as a result of the event coordinator's actions. That should help to make a change.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)