Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My next-door neighbor is pregnant. I know because another neighbor in my building told me, but my neighbor hasn’t said anything directly. I know when I was pregnant I didn’t tell anyone for months because I had previously had a miscarriage. I’m wondering if I should say anything to congratulate her, or wait until she lets me know. We are friendly but not close. I don’t want to seem insensitive since having a baby is such a precious thing. Will I seem rude if I don’t mention it? -- Being Neighborly, Bronx, New York

DEAR BEING NEIGHBORLY: Trust your instincts and say nothing for a while. If all goes well, she will begin to show. Don’t mention it even if she is showing a little, because she may be keeping it to herself until she feels certain the baby is growing well. If you notice her with a huge belly, obviously say something then. Congratulate her. You can congratulate her warmly and ask how she is feeling. Since you are neighbors, you can also ask if she needs anything. Be welcoming without being pushy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: At my last job, my company had all of us participate in Secret Santa. It was a lot of fun, so I asked my new boss if we could add Secret Santa to our celebrations. She seemed lukewarm about it. She didn’t straight out say no, but I could tell she isn’t a fan of the idea. She gave me permission to take a poll at the office to see if others like the idea.

I wonder if I should just let it go since she wasn’t enthusiastic. I want to be viewed positively by my boss. What should I do? -- 'Tis the Season, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR 'TIS THE SEASON: Your boss’s response may have been tepid, but it wasn’t a no. Follow her advice and ask the staff if they would like to participate in Secret Santa. Outline how it would work. Typically, people’s names go into a bowl and everyone selects a name. There should be a small dollar amount as the cap for spending. Keeping the cost low prevents others from feeing stretched, and it also requires them to be creative. Gifts should be appropriate, meaning nothing romantically suggestive, something reflective of the person’s interests or personality. Often Secret Santa gifts are given out at a company holiday party. If your company already hosts such an event, suggest tagging on to that. If not, the gifts can be given independently.

After you have laid it out for your co-workers, ask them to share whether they will be interested in participating. Since you want to bring your boss back a clear picture of the staff’s interest, ask them to email you with their thoughts either way. That way you have documentation if needed to back up the totals you give your boss. If the team wants to proceed, let her know and coordinate it. If they do not, let your boss know that, and be sure not to have hard feelings. Your boss should view you positively no matter the outcome if you remain a team player.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother told me he was diagnosed with diabetes. When he went for a medical checkup, the doctor tested him and his A1C number was extremely high. He was prescribed a particular medication that should regulate his blood sugar. When he told me all this at the time, he seemed worried but relieved in the sense that his doctor had given him medication that should help get his body under control.

I spoke to him to months later to see how he’s doing, and he says he hasn’t started taking the medication yet. I was shocked and asked him why. He shrugged it off and said, “I haven’t started yet.” End of discussion.

I am so worried about him. When I looked up the effects of uncontrolled diabetes, it made my head swim. He could die if he doesn’t take measures right away. What can I do to encourage him? -- Sick Brother, Detroit

DEAR SICK BROTHER: You cannot control your brother, but you can encourage him. One way is to scare him. Do some research on the complications that diabetics face -- anything from thirstiness and frequent urination to skin problems, kidney disease, blindness, neuropathy, amputations or stroke. When his condition is controlled, your brother stands a much better chance of living a healthy, productive life. For more information, you can visit the American Diabetes Association’s website: diabetes.org/living-with-diabetes/complications.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been going to a therapist for several years. In the beginning he was helpful, but now I’m beginning to question how serious he is about our time together. In our last session, he answered his phone twice. Though the calls were brief, they occurred in the middle of my paid-for time. In another recent session, he spent at least 15 minutes fidgeting with his smartphone while he was supposed to be listening to me. After a while, I stopped talking until he looked up and put the phone away.

I’m going to him to deal with sensitive issues. At the very least, I think he should pay full attention. Should I say something or stop going? -- Distracted Shrink, Philadelphia

DEAR DISTRACTED SHRINK: By all means, tell your therapist you do not appreciate his distracted behavior during your sessions. Point out all that you can remember, and make sure he is listening and receiving the message when you give it.

Depending on how you feel about working with him now will determine your next steps. If generally you think he does a good job and is still helpful to you, tell him you want to continue working with him, provided he is willing to stay focused on you during the entire session.

If you think it’s best to leave and find a new therapist, tell him you have decided to stop working with him. Thank him for the years he has helped you, and point out that you think it’s unprofessional to do the various things he has done in your sessions. Recommend he not behave that way with anyone else.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been so busy juggling family responsibilities and the grind of work that I have missed two important calls related to the charity work that I am doing. I feel horrible that I now look like a flake. I’m really not. What’s happened is I have overbooked my schedule and chaos seems to have ensued. I wrote to the woman I stood up twice now for phone meetings and expressed my apology for not following up. I assured her that I do want to have the meeting and asked to reschedule one more time. Is there anything else I should do? -- Stretched Too Thin, Milwaukee

DEAR STRETCHED TOO THIN: For the woman in question, you may want to reach out and give more explanation about your life right now to make it clear to her you are in the throes of a time management challenge.

In general, take a step back and assess your life. Write down your short-term and longer-term responsibilities. List them in categories based on the various projects you are undertaking. Include your personal life as its own category. Put deadlines and appointment times next to each item that requires it. Then include these key dates in your calendar. Put an alarm on your appointments that will remind you a few minutes before you need to make a call or go to a meeting. Finally, drop anything from your schedule that is not essential at this moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m getting so confused with social media these days. Two so-called “friends” just wrote to me asking to become my friend on Facebook. I felt sure that we were already friends, but I was busy, so I accepted without checking. The next thing I know, I’m getting direct messages from one of them that seem weird. When I looked at her page, it got even stranger. The messages on the page were in patois. This woman is American and, to my knowledge, only speaks English. I called my friend, and she told me her account had been hacked. It’s so creepy how people can do that. How can I protect myself better to avoid this kind of thing in the future? -- Hacked, Boston

DEAR HACKED: You can report the hacking of your friend to Facebook. You can make your page private rather than public. In this way, you control who gets to see your page or access it in any way. From now on, do not accept any friend requests without first checking to see if you have already friended that person. Also, check out the person’s page first. This will give you an indication of whether the person is who she or he is claiming to be, and whether you would like to be connected.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)