Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband’s ankles swell sometimes -- really, kind of a lot. Whenever I bring this up to him, he shrugs it off.

My husband is big on health food and vitamins that he reads about on the internet, but he is horrible about going to the doctor. I think it has been five years since he had a physical.

I am so worried. My brother-in-law died of colon cancer. His father died of a heart attack. I’m not trying to wish anything bad on him, but I do think there is value in getting an annual checkup. How can I get him to go? -- Against the Doctor, Seattle

DEAR AGAINST THE DOCTOR: Start by doing some research. There are many reasons why a person's feet and ankles swell, and most of them are signs of poor health. Among the causes are congestive heart failure, kidney disease, cirrhosis of the liver, hypertensive heart disease and more. In other words, there are serious health concerns that could be the reason why his ankles swell. For more details, go to: healthline.com/symptom/swollen-ankle.

Point out to your husband that it is worth it to find out if he has a serious ailment that needs treatment, or if it is a less serious situation like a fracture. Remind your husband of how much you love him and want him to be healthy. Tell him you are scheduling a doctor’s appointment for him, and urge him to go.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids spent the weekend with good friends from school while my husband and I took a much-needed mini-vacation. When we picked them up, all they could talk about was how much fun they had playing with their friends’ dog. They have talked nonstop about wanting to have their own dog, which is not in the cards for us. For one, I am allergic, but even if we got a hypoallergenic dog, I don’t have the time or the inclination to walk or tend to a dog, and I know my children ultimately won’t do it. My husband won’t either.

How can I break it to my kids that I’m really not going to give in to their endless begging for a dog? -- No Furry Friends, Boston

DEAR NO FURRY FRIENDS: Stay firm in your convictions. You have to be clear about what you can manage for your family. You can also get creative about how your children can experience more doggy time in their lives. Perhaps they can visit friends who have dogs with more regularity. You can also check in with the local ASPCA to see if your children can volunteer there to help support their work on rescuing and re-homing animals. Your need to not have a dog at home does not mean that your children cannot get to know dogs.

I am similar to you; what I did was talk to a local pet grooming shop to see if my daughter could volunteer there. They happily agreed, and she goes in from time to time to learn about how these people groom dogs. Occasionally she gets to play with the dogs, too.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The girl I’ve been calling my best friend for years has just done the worst possible thing. She made up a story about me that was horrible and then told it to everybody in our grade. We are in middle school. I am so upset.

My mother told me to get over it, but how do I do that? I have to go to school with all these kids who now think I am a terrible person. I tried to talk to my friend about it, but now all of a sudden she doesn’t want to talk to me. I can’t imagine what I did to make her act like this. I know my mom reads your column, so I was wondering what you think I should do? -- Mean Girl Drama, Cleveland

DEAR MEAN GIRL DRAMA: When your friends choose to hurt you, it can be devastating. To lie about you with the intention of turning people against you is cruel. You should go to your teacher and principal to report what you believe your friend did. Be as precise as possible and bring any backup information that can prove what you are suggesting she did. If you have emails or social media postings that point to the story, bring those. If other students have told you that your friend shared the lie with them, give their names to the teacher and principal. As scary as it may seem to report this behavior, it is important. People should not get away with slandering someone’s name. This is a form of bullying. By standing up for yourself, you create space for support.

You also should open your eyes to other students. It is time to make new friends. I know that isn’t easy to do, especially when you are feeling sad and hurt, but this girl is no friend of yours if she is intentionally trying to hurt you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been on a weight-loss plan for a few months now. What is working for me is eating cottage cheese and fruit in the morning. I sometimes bring it with me to work and eat it at my desk. The people sitting nearby often eat bagels or muffins, and it has been fine.

All of a sudden one woman who sits near me has started to talk about my food. She calls my cottage cheese “grandma food” and finds ways to poke fun at me whenever I am eating. She even went so far as to say she thinks it’s a waste of time to eat such nasty food only to lose a couple of pounds. I was furious. I’m doing my thing, minding my business. How can I get her to back off? -- Healthy Living, Miami

DEAR HEALTHY LIVING: Congratulations on your weight-loss program. It’s not easy to stick to a consistent path of wellness. It takes time to develop discipline. Good for you that you are doing it.

You have a couple of options with this woman. You can ignore her. Eventually she will stop if you don’t react. Or you can offer to share some of Grandma’s food with her! Don’t let her see she is upsetting you. That will only exacerbate the situation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children. Two are under 5 years old. My oldest is 10. My concern is that we are getting close to Christmas, and it’s getting harder and harder to manage the children’s expectations of Christmas, especially when it comes to communicating with and about Santa. My eldest is ready to be a spoiler. He doesn’t want to write a letter to Santa. He doesn’t want to do anything other than talk about what his friends are saying about Santa in school. What can I say to my son to get him to keep the magic of Christmas alive for the whole family? My husband and I really get into the holidays, and we want our eldest to stay engaged. What can we say to him? -- Spoiler Alert, Athens, Georgia

DEAR SPOILER ALERT: Your 10-year-old needs holiday duties. Give him the big-boy role by engaging him in the duty of keeping his younger siblings psyched about Christmas. Anoint your son as Santa’s helper. Assign him tasks such as helping his siblings write their letters to Santa. He can even help them think of what they want to put on their lists.

In terms of his school friends, encourage him to tell them that he is helping to make it a great holiday for the whole family. Remind him of how much fun it is when everyone pitches in. He can be cool at school without dissing the holiday. Instead, he can talk with pride about being a helpful big brother. You and your husband can point out that Santa remains alive and well in your home, and everyone is grateful for it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I got married a year ago. We are so happy, but we are broke. I am still in college, and he is in his first job out of college. He is paying off loans, and we are just getting started. The holidays are coming, and I do not want us to overspend for Christmas. I recommended we skip gifts altogether and enjoy each other and our families. He hated that idea. What do you recommend we do so we give something but don’t blow the budget? -- Creative Christmas, Dallas

DEAR CREATIVE CHRISTMAS: Congratulations on your first year of marriage. And kudos to you that you want to be frugal during the holidays. So many people get into debt buying lots of things they cannot afford and that are not necessary. Creativity is key here so that you and your husband can have tangible evidence of the love you have for each other without breaking the bank.

One couple I know took this fun approach. They picked a random low number, $7, and pledged to spend no more than that amount on each other for Christmas. What happened is that they scavenged places such as Goodwill and The Salvation Army as well as vintage shops and dollar stores to find little sentimental items that would bring smiles to each other’s faces. They said that was one of their best Christmases ever because they devoted a lot of time to thinking about how to make their spouse happy.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)