Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family has adopted a family in need for Christmas for many years. We find a family at my sister’s church and figure out what they need and want for the holidays. Then we pool our resources and buy food and gifts for them. It is such a wonderful practice, and I want to encourage your readers to consider giving to those who don’t have any extra money. It is not too late to share your good will and money to help other families. Even after Christmas Day, it isn’t too late. Every day there are people who can benefit from your generosity. Consider giving to someone in need. -- Time for Giving, Chicago

DEAR TIME FOR GIVING: Thank you for this reminder that this is the season for generosity. You are right that no matter where you are, you can give to someone else. Going to your house of worship to identify people to help is a great idea. You can also visit local community centers and homeless shelters to learn how they are organizing giving this season. Go online to find charities whose causes resonate with you. When you look up a charity, consider checking its status with Charity Navigator. This site will let you know if the charity is handling its affairs with precision. Make sure that you know where your money is going. Your generosity will make you -- and the recipient -- feel good. That’s the beauty of giving. It benefits everyone!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My niece bought her grandmother a cellphone thinking it was a great idea. She bought her an iPhone so that she could receive photos from family members who are dispersed all over the country. Everybody thought this was wonderful, including her grandmother -- until she got the phone. This lovely lady is 83 years old, and she has never had a cellphone. She is having the worst time trying to figure out how to use it. It’s just not working. My niece is frustrated because she wants her grandmother to be able to use the phone. What can we do so that Grandma can be connected? -- No Cell Connection, Orlando, Florida

DEAR NO CELL CONNECTION: This happens to older people a lot, as newer cellphones can prove difficult for them to navigate. Some older people have problems simply seeing the screen because the numbers and letters are very small. Others can’t make their fingers work on the small surface. What you may want to do is have your niece return the smartphone and replace it with a simple flip phone that has a keyboard and not much else. Some flip phones have the ability to receive and transmit photos so that function may be available in a simpler phone. What you likely cannot get is the option of FaceTime or a similar service.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter goes to a majority-white school. We are African-American, but we love that she goes to this school because the education is excellent. Our one real concern is that there are never many black students. For the five years that she has been at this school, there may have been at most four black students during any school year. I wish the school had more diversity, and I am willing to help it find people, but it doesn't seem interested. I am committed to my kid, so I want the school to take this seriously. What can I do? -- Black Lives Matter, Bronx, New York

DEAR BLACK LIVES MATTER: Your school’s leadership could use a wake-up call about what diversity means. First, find out what the school’s mission is regarding diversity. Request a meeting with the dean or head of school. Express your concerns clearly, pointing out that you believe the student body would be better off if it reflected a broader range of ethnic backgrounds. Ask the administrators if they are doing anything to recruit minorities and what the stumbling blocks have been.

Some schools say that they can’t find full-paying minority families and they have limited financial aid available. That could be true at your school, but guess what? There are plenty of minorities who can pay full fare. Recommend that the school hire a recruiter who knows the black and Latino communities. Even if it tries it for just one year, this can help to diversify the student body pool.

If you find that your school’s leadership is not listening, consider talking to the other minority parents to see if they will join with you in pushing the leadership toward greater diversity. If nothing works, you may want to reconsider where your daughter goes to school.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A very dear friend of mine recently asked me to help her out of a financial rut. I helped her once before, years ago, and it was a little awkward. This time, it seems like she is right back in the same situation. I don’t feel comfortable giving her money, as I don’t think it is going to help her change her course. I love her so much, but I don’t think this is what I should do. How can I say no without alienating my friend? She is down and out, but I don’t think I can help her through this one, at least not by writing a check. -- Friend in Need, Dallas

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: The easiest, though seemingly most painful, way to handle this is to state your case immediately. If you haven’t already, tell your friend that you will not be able to help her out financially this time. Rather than walking away entirely, you can offer to guide her toward financial stability. Point her to a personal finance adviser who may be able to help her devise a payment plan with her creditors. Often they can negotiate deals with creditors that make it easier to pay. Be your friend’s cheerleader if she will let you, but hold your ground about giving her money if you feel uncomfortable doing that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working so much that I am utterly exhausted. I have a great job, and I serve in a leadership role in two volunteer organizations. I love what I do, but I think I am spreading myself too thin. A couple of weeks ago, I had a panic attack. I ended up in the hospital because my blood pressure was going through the roof. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t know what to do. But I’m worried. Right now, things are OK, but the doctors told me that I have to slow down, or else I could end up in the hospital again. I think that means I should let go of something, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to stop my volunteer work, but I need a job to afford the volunteer time. -- Betwixt, Detroit

DEAR BETWIXT: Consider what just happened to you as both a blessing and a wake-up call. A panic attack could have been something much worse. You must be still long enough to figure out what you need to release from your life. You already know that something has to go. If your heart tells you that it should be your job, then make a plan. Perhaps you can take a leave of absence from both of your volunteer positions so that you can focus on finding a new paying job. Once you find something that better suits your needs and interests, you can resume the volunteering. Consider doing one volunteer job at a time.

You must put yourself first: Change your diet, increase your exercise, find calming things to do that support your overall health. You have to be your priority. Otherwise, it all goes away.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s birthday is coming up, and we usually have a huge party for him. This year, finances are tighter than in the past, and we can’t afford the blowout event. We have been suggesting ideas that are more manageable for our budget, but our son, who will soon turn 15, is having none of it. He is acting like a 5-year-old and demanding something that we cannot do. To be fair to him, we have always been able to host fabulous parties in the past. It is our fault that he thinks anything is possible. How do we break it to him that this year there's a limit to his fun? -- Smaller Party, Philadelphia

DEAR SMALLER PARTY: It’s time to give your 15-year-old a reality check. Too bad you haven’t talked to him about budgets before, but now is the time. Explain that he cannot do the blowout party this year, period. Come up with specific ideas that fit your budget. You can let him choose. If he can’t seem to decide, step in. Pick a party that you can afford. Then be enthusiastic about it, and encourage your son to be excited, too. This will make his guests happy about whatever activity you choose.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)