Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is completely immersed in what I call conspiracy theories. He has always been like this, only now he’s focused on some financial investments that seem awfully risky. I don’t know anything about investing -- and neither does he. We both realize we need to make more money, but now he wants to take money out of his retirement to invest in this thing. The investor sounds extreme, if not on the fringe. I don’t want to emasculate my husband, but I also do not want him to blow the only retirement we have on what seems like a whim. What can I do? -- Risky Business, Rockville, Maryland

DEAR RISKY BUSINESS: The best way for you to have some say in how your husband invests is for you to get involved. I’m not sure how the investor in question is a conspiracy theorist, but you should tell your husband you want to learn about this investment strategy with him. Read what he is reading, and do independent research to get a sense of how this idea is regarded in the industry. Speak to a financial adviser to get a professional perspective on what kinds of investments are wise for someone in your family’s financial situation.

By demonstrating sincere interest in this topic that so interests your husband, you may be able to bond with him over your plans for the future and decide to agree together on the next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my son’s classmates has epilepsy. She has had it for years, often having seizures at school. The kids try to be nice to her, but over the years, it has gotten tough. She is often rude and annoying to them. Now that they are teens, they are less patient than they used to be. I’m sure the students are unkind to this girl. I have witnessed them ignore her repeatedly. And my son says that she has no friends in the school.

I’m wondering if there is anything I can do to get my son and his friends to be nicer to their classmate. I know they will say she doesn’t deserve it, but her mother has told me that the girl’s illness affects her brain and sometimes leads her to behave rudely. I don’t want my son to be mean to this girl, but I also don’t want him to suffer abuse from someone even if she has an illness. How can I direct his behavior? -- Navigating Friendship, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR NAVIGATING FRIENDSHIP: Remind your son of the importance of treating everyone with respect. Add that having compassion for people who live with challenges is a sign of character. Even when it is tough to show kindness, it is worth it. Talk to your son about boundaries. If this student crosses physical lines, he should immediately tell her to back off. If she speaks in rude or insulting ways, he should stand up for himself and say, “Please do not speak to me like that.” When she is “annoying,” he can ask her to stop whatever she is doing. Only after repeated offenses should he totally ignore her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I heard from a college friend the other day. He was letting me know that another friend’s father had passed. We graduated from college more than 30 years ago, but we have stayed connected over time.

When we were in school, I know my friend liked me, but I was distracted by another guy and didn’t give him the time of day. About 10 years ago, he and I were working at the same event, and he asked me if I knew he had a crush on me in college. I changed the subject. Now I feel like I should acknowledge that I knew he liked me. I don’t want anything from him. We both are married with children. Mostly, I feel like I would like him to know that his sentiments count. Is that OK to say to him? I am not trying to confuse anything. -- Reminiscing, Boston

DEAR REMINISCING: You are currently in the tender space of remembering the past as a loved one has passed. Tread lightly. If the two of you see each other or talk again soon, you could say to him that you have a confession to make. You can admit that you knew he liked you years ago. Tell the truth -- you were young and distracted and interested in someone else. Apologize for not admitting that you knew this when he asked you years ago. Let him know that you appreciate his friendship and are glad that you created a bond that has lasted.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed that my daughter, who is in high school, has been rude to some girls at school. I pick her up after school sometimes, and I got there early once and noticed her and a group of her friends making fun of another girl. I asked her about it, and she shrugged it off. Another time, I saw the whole group of them taunting a shy girl. I am so upset. My daughter used to be a nice, caring girl. How can I get her to be more compassionate? I know that teens go through a lot of emotional ups and downs, but there’s no excuse for being mean. -- No More Mean Girl, Denver

DEAR NO MORE MEAN GIRL: Tell your daughter you need to talk to her with no cellphones or other distractions. Ask her what happened between her and the girl you saw her taunting. Find out if she did something to upset your daughter and her friends. Be compassionate, as this will help her to talk to you. Tell her you are concerned because this is the second time you have seen your daughter speak to other girls in a mean way. Remind your daughter of the lesson she should have learned in middle school about being a bully or a bystander. Tell her you are worried she has become the bully. Do your best to find out what the other girl did or what your daughter and her friends have done or said that escalated their interaction to obvious mean behavior.

It is unlikely that your daughter will tell you everything in the first conversation. Keep talking to her. Ask her how she would feel if someone treated her in a mean way. If you have a personal story of being bullied when you were young, share that with your daughter. If she can imagine how the victims of her mean behavior might react to her, she may begin to change. Do not give up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has been playing with Legos since he was about 5. He’s a teenager now, but this is still his gift of choice. He told me and my mother that what he wants more than anything for his birthday are the latest Lego kits that are out. Part of me wants to expand his vision. He is about to be of the age to be interested in girls and in being more social. I fear that there won’t be too many girls who will want to build Legos with him. Should I start weaning him off Legos and give him a gift that will point him to more social activities, like dance lessons or something? I don’t know what to do. -- Growing Up, Bronx, New York

DEAR GROWING UP: Don’t rush your son’s personal development. He has plenty of time to begin figuring out social dynamics with girls. Further, you may be pleasantly surprised to learn that some girls like Legos as well. If I were you, I would get him the Legos that he has requested. You could supplement the gift with something more socially minded.

Talk to your son about what he might like to explore. If you think he would be into dance lessons, then go for it. If he will think that you are meddling in his life, that idea will backfire. Listen to him and learn how he might like to expand his horizons.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister’s husband died a few years ago, and she is still grieving deeply. I try to connect with her and let her know that I care about her and want to be there for her, but nothing seems to be working. She works, but she is really sad. When she comes home from work, she sits around and drinks. When I go to visit her, I can tell that she has not eaten much. She’s usually in a daze. I suggested that she go to therapy, but she doesn’t want to do that yet. I suppose she is functioning because she does go to work every day, but this isn’t living. What can I do to help her? -- Grieving Sis, Los Angeles

DEAR GRIEVING SIS: You cannot force your sister to get help, even though therapy would be good for her. You might suggest a grief counselor, which is specific to her problem. She may be willing to consider that.

Otherwise, continue to visit your sister. Don’t tell her it will get better soon, because you don’t know that it will. And it won’t make her feel happier, either. It will likely make her think you are uncaring and that you don’t understand her pain. Instead, spend time with her. Bring her food when you come. Offer to take her to the movies or shopping or anything that will get her to think about the present rather than remaining burdened by the loss that is unbearable for her to remember. Be patient and loving. Your support does matter to her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)