Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A family moved into my neighborhood recently, and my husband and I immediately invited them over to welcome them. We included a few couples from our street, and everybody chipped in to make it a special event. We had a good time getting to know these people, but honestly, while most of us liked the wife, we found the husband to be obnoxious and standoffish. He didn’t try to talk to us. More, he bragged about himself and his possessions. It was gross.

We did find the wife charming. She was pleasant and seemingly comfortable in her skin. She was as laid back as he was aggressive. I want to continue getting to know her, but I really don’t want to have to keep inviting her husband to things. Is it OK to scratch him off the list? -- No Husband Allowed, Milwaukee

DEAR NO HUSBAND ALLOWED: Don’t cut the man off just yet. Instead, choose creative ways to engage the wife independently without actually excluding her husband. That could mean inviting her to a girls’ night or day event. Find ways to spend time with her and others in your group so that you get to know her. Occasionally invite her husband to come to a co-ed affair. He may not want to come, depending on how he feels about that first encounter. Be strategic -- but not rude.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son loves rap music and enjoys playing it super loud in his room. I have listened to it, and, admittedly, I find some of it offensive. The language is often profane and many of the messages are misogynistic. I already know I can’t stop him from listening. We talk about the messages so that I can ensure he remembers our values.

Recently, he and his friends were playing this music loudly in mixed company. We were at a picnic and they were blasting it. People nearby seemed visibly disturbed. I had them shut it down, but I feel like I need to say more about why that was inappropriate and try to get my son to see this for himself. Any suggestions? -- Rapped Out, Pittsburgh

DEAR RAPPED OUT: Sit your son down and ask him to recount the incident. Have him say what he remembers happened and how people reacted to it. Ask him to tell you what some of the lyrics are to the songs he likes. Ask him if he can see why some of it would be offensive. Go through the language and its meaning so that he fully understands the impact of the messages.

Tell him that he should not play that music in mixed company. It is rude and disrespectful. Add that you wish he didn’t listen to it either. You don’t like the messages that it is sending about what is appropriate behavior. But, since you will likely lose that battle, tell your son you hope he will always remember how to behave as an upstanding young man, and that includes knowing when to turn down his music.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed a lot of people coming in and out of my next-door neighbor’s apartment. Mostly, they seem to be tourist types. A couple have been loud and kind of rowdy. I think she is renting out rooms in her home. There are too many people coming and going for these to be friend visits. I understand that people have to figure out how to make ends meet, but I have two small children, and I feel uncomfortable having so many people coming and going right next door to me. I’m pretty sure it’s not legal to do this. My neighbor isn’t open to talking to me. Should I call the police? I want to protect my kids. -- Close the Revolving Door, Manhattan, New York

DEAR CLOSE THE REVOLVING DOOR: Your neighbor probably is running a room rental through a service like Airbnb, which is legal in New York City if she is living in the home. It may be difficult for you to get any real support to shut down your neighbor’s room-rental hustle.

If something happens that makes you or your children feel unsafe, you can call 911. To file a complaint without cause for alarm, you can call 311 to report your concerns. Your complaint will be investigated. If your neighbor is not complying with the law, she may be shut down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a business conference this summer that drew people from all over the country who work in my field. This was my first time going to this kind of event, and it was a lot of fun. I made great contacts and came back to work feeling empowered and ready to make greater contributions to my firm. I discovered that since I was the only one who attended, some of my co-workers weren’t so keen on hearing what I learned. I think they were jealous. I’m the one who went because I asked management if I could go. It wasn’t to the exclusion of anyone else. How can I continue to make meaningful contributions to my job without upsetting my colleagues? -- Bridging the Divide, Minneapolis

DEAR BRIDGING THE DIVIDE: When you have opportunities that your colleagues do not, it is important to be sensitive to their reaction to this information. Moving forward, you may want to incorporate wisdom gained from your trip more subtly. You can make suggestions for things to do at your job without attributing the source of your knowledge. You can speak directly and privately with your manager and give a full download, including specifics about your sources. You can point out that some colleagues have bristled because you were the only one to attend. Recommend that there be a plan for next year in which a group of colleagues may be able to attend. This will show your team spirit. The company will have to decide what it is willing to support.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in a neighborhood that has a whole range of people. I see businessmen in suits, young men who hang out on the street, old people pushing walkers and more and more homeless people. I like that there is a variety of people. I feel good about not being in a homogeneous environment, but I am conflicted over what to do when people ask me for money every day. I am barely getting by myself. I do give to my church every month, but I don’t have the money to give to homeless people who ask for it -- yet I feel bad ignoring them. I don’t want to be one of those gentrified-type people who ignore people who have less than I do. What else can I do? I cannot afford to give them money. -- Showing Compassion, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR SHOWING COMPASSION: You do not have to give money to everyone who asks, nor do you need to feel guilty about that. What you can do is to see the humanity in people. Instead of quickly pushing past people when they get too close, look unkempt or are begging for money, smile at the person, say “Have a good day,” or some other nicety. When asked for money, respond and say, “I’m sorry. Good day,” or “God bless you.” Acknowledge the person in front of you and keep moving. Know that a few of these people may say negative things to you, but my experience is that more will express gratitude for being seen.

On the occasion when you do have a few cents to give away or a garment to keep someone warm, offer it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working with the same attorney for many years. He’s kind of an all-around type of attorney. I have a different need now that my husband and I are considering divorce. We need an expert to help walk us through options, and so far we haven’t made any headway. Our breakup is sad but not acrimonious. It’s time to move on, and we agree on that. We do have some assets, including our home and retirement funds, etc. I think I need an expert lawyer to help me handle this. How do I tell my attorney? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Using someone else almost feels like being involved in two divorces at once. -- Making Choices, Miami

DEAR MAKING CHOICES: Consider your attorney an asset right now. Tell him what’s going on and ask him for a referral. You need an expert divorce attorney. If he is a generalist, he knows already that this is not his area of expertise. If he offers to handle your case for you, tell him that you want and need an expert on divorce law. You need someone skilled at navigating division of resources, and you hope that he can make a few recommendations. If he doesn’t take this well, that’s on him. As a professional, he will likely be sensitive to your circumstances and introduce you to the most appropriate attorneys he knows.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)