DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! This is one of my favorite times of year because it is a time for family and loved ones.

When I was growing up, the notion of "thanksgiving" lived in our house year-round. My mother, Doris Cole, who is now 89 years old, would tell us to count our blessings. She explained that one way to stay positive and humble is to consciously acknowledge the good things in your life each day. She implored us to remember that there is always something for which to be grateful, even if you have had a particularly tough day. You are grateful to be alive. You are grateful to have a roof over your head. You are grateful for your family. For your job. For getting good grades. For surviving an accident. For living through a disease. For getting over a bad relationship. For your friends and neighbors. Mama’s wisdom said that in absolutely every circumstance, there is a reason for gratitude.

Practicing gratitude is an interesting concept. It requires active engagement. It calls for a mindset that is hopeful and optimistic. It needs you to examine your life carefully and notice the good aspects of it -- no matter what is going on. Because this is something my mother instilled in my sisters and me from a young age, it is part of our daily lives now.

When it comes to Thanksgiving proper and all that this holiday entails, the practice of gratitude takes on a new dimension. I have talked to hundreds of people about how they experience this day, which kicks off the holiday season. For many, Thanksgiving triggers feelings of anxiety, dread or even loneliness. This is true whether they are traveling many miles to be with family or staying home or visiting with friends. The season can trigger lots of memories and stir up old feelings. Often, people who visit the family homestead fall into childhood roles that unconsciously spark conflict. Others long for family members who have died. The list is long for what can cause discomfort.

This is when practicing gratitude is even more important. Your outlook can make all the difference. For starters, you are not 10 years old and beholden to your elder sibling’s ploys. Be grateful for that. If the family matriarch has passed on, rather than mourning, you can celebrate her life. If you get into a debate with loved ones, catch yourself and be grateful that you had the presence of mind to refresh your course. Be in control of your thoughts, words and deeds during this time, and choose to find joy wherever you are. Make an effort to stay in the moment and not get lost in behavior patterns or hurts from the past. With an attitude of gratitude, you can initiate new ways of engaging each other.

And if you are by yourself and feeling lonely, instead of wallowing, you can get out and help others, call loved ones and tell them how much you miss them, take a walk or serve meals at a homeless shelter. The ideas are endless. The point is, you are the one who can decide what Thanksgiving means for you. If you decide to practice gratitude during this day and season, you will find that your experiences will become sweeter and more memorable in the best possible way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been kind of going with the flow for years. We get along OK, but we are not close. I was thinking things are better than a few years back because at least we are not arguing much anymore. I realize, though, that this is not good. It’s almost like we have agreed to be civil, but we hardly ever talk to each other. We are barely even roommates. When I was starting off my life, I spent more time talking to my roommate than I do talking to him. I’m not thinking of leaving him. Shoot, I couldn’t afford that even if I wanted to. I’m worried that when our children go away to college, everything is going to fall apart. What can I do now to make my marriage better? -- Dead Marriage, Cincinnati

DEAR DEAD MARRIAGE: In the spirit of saving your marriage, go down memory lane and remember what you and your husband enjoyed doing together when you did have fun. What made you smile? What delighted each of you? Now think of what each of you likes to do now. Are there any intersections in your interests today? Consider an activity that you both would enjoy. Start small.

Plan date night once every two weeks. Tell your husband you want to create this special time for the two of you and make it sound like fun so that he will consider it. This can be something that is for just the two of you or sometimes a double date with another couple that you like. Create opportunities for you to get to know each other again and share time without the kids. You may also want to consider therapy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been so busy, I haven’t stayed in touch with my cousin who lives in the same city as me. We both left home years ago. I just saw her at an event, and I learned that her brother died a couple of months ago. I feel so bad that I wasn’t there for her. She is such a sweet woman, and I can tell that she is grieving. I apologized for not knowing or reaching out. I want to be there for her. What can I do that would be meaningful in her time of need? -- Grieving Cousin, New York City

DEAR GRIEVING COUSIN: Now that you know your cousin’s situation, stay in touch. Grief usually lasts for a while. If her brother died recently, chances are she will need loving support for an extended period of time. Death has a way of bringing people together sometimes.

If you are able to commit to connecting with her more frequently, she will appreciate it. It can be a natural way for the two of you to reconnect. Being a good listener is especially helpful in the grieving process. You really cannot have answers for her, but being there to hear her out may prove to be supportive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My next-door neighbors have a volatile relationship. I often hear them arguing late at night. Sometimes it sounds like it gets violent, too. I am so worried for them, but I’m not quite sure what to do. We live in an apartment building with fairly thin walls, which is why I can hear so much. I wonder if I should knock on their door when the arguments escalate. Or should I call the police? I hesitate to do that as I don’t want to get anybody in trouble. I go back and forth; I would be sick if either of them got hurt and I could have helped to prevent it. What do you recommend? -- Violent Neighbors, Seattle

DEAR VIOLENT NEIGHBORS: The worst thing you can do is be a silent bystander and allow your neighbors’ violent behavior to go unchecked. You can call their house phone, if they have one, when you hear things escalating. Sometimes the phone can work as a distraction to stop the fight from growing. You can knock on the door to ask if they need help. You should not go in. If they are in the midst of a fight, your presence will only make things worse. You should call the police. As conflicted as you may feel, this is the safest course of action. You are not equipped to handle any repercussions that come from approaching the abuser. The person may turn on you or make it harder on the victim. Ask for professional help. For more ideas, go to:

breakthesilencedv.org/nine-ways-intervene-you-witness-abuse/.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that weed is becoming legal across the country, I am having a hard time convincing my teenage children that they shouldn’t smoke it. They shrug off my warnings that it will make them less productive in their schoolwork. They say I am being old-fashioned. Basically, they have stopped listening to me.

I am not against the legalization of marijuana from the perspective that I don’t think people who sell or use it should go to jail. In that way, it’s like alcohol. But I don’t want my kids to drink either. I want them to stay focused on their schoolwork and their future. How can I get that point across without seeming out-of-touch? -- No Weed, Denver

DEAR NO WEED: Lead with your vision for them. Tell them to think less about the law and more about their future. Anything that they consume that could cause them to be distracted from their future is a bad thing. Make sure you tell them that this doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t explore their lives fully, but using weed in any of its forms -- including the many edibles that are available -- is not the answer. Explain that weed can make you less productive at the very time when they need to be strong students preparing for college. Here are medical insights on what marijuana does to the brain: drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/what-are-marijuanas-long-term-effects-brain.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)