Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a young woman who recently married a professional athlete. We both want children, but in a world where so many children are without loving homes, I can't imagine having biological offspring when we could provide a wonderful life for children who would never otherwise have one. My husband has always been supportive of this, but recently he brought up an interesting proposition: His ex-wife, who is older than me and has never remarried, asked him to be a sperm donor. She has a successful career and would not need financial support, but I think the idea is bizarre. He argues that they both have excellent genetics that would be "wasted" if they do not jump at what could be their only chance to have biological children. He said it is no different from donating sperm to a bank, except that he knows the mother will be able to provide well for his offspring. They split amicably due to the pressures of both of their careers. Am I being selfish to say she should find another sperm donor? -- Not My Husband, Houston

DEAR NOT MY HUSBAND: You need to evaluate your position on having children. While your husband seemed to be in agreement with you about adoption, it sounds like he would appreciate the opportunity to bring his own child into the world. I think it is emotionally dangerous for him to be a sperm donor for his ex-wife. That feels like an invitation for the two of them to either get back together or have a close relationship. There is no way that he will just be a donor and move on.

You may want to reconsider your views on giving birth to a child. What if you have a child biologically and adopt a child? Many families do that. No matter what, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Let him know that you are uncomfortable with his ex’s proposition.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I always thought that my wife and I had the perfect marriage. When I discovered she was having an affair, it hit me like a train wreck. After many weeks of trying to discover who she really is, I found out she has had several affairs throughout our 15-year marriage. I still love my wife, and I think I could forgive her and regain my trust in her. The problem is, she says she is trying to recover from her actions, so she can no longer hear about my problems or respond to any of my questions.

She is now saying I need to see someone to discuss our issues. We are already seeing a marriage counselor, but I think he is too connected to us as a couple. What do you think? -- Additional Counseling, Denver

DEAR ADDITIONAL COUNSELING: The actress Ruby Dee once told me that a marriage stays alive as long as one of the spouses really wants the marriage to survive. She cautioned that if neither partner is willing to fight for the marriage, it will wither.

You seem to be willing to keep fighting for your marriage. Tell your wife that you don’t want to give up, but you need her to be a more active participant in the healing. Talk to your current counselor and ask for advice. He should be able to suggest professional next steps. Give yourself a timeline. To regain trust, you have to work together. Don’t wait too long for your wife to decide to choose you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just read the letter from a person whose sleep is constantly disturbed by a rambunctious child in the apartment upstairs. You cautioned the writer not to suggest to the parents that the child be checked for developmental delays or other conditions. I am a speech-language pathologist who has worked with children of all ages with autism, ADHD and myriad other conditions that would produce the kind of behavior described in the letter. As a professional, I need to emphasize that the earlier a child gets attention for these kinds of issues, the more likely the child is to be able to learn to manage -- or even sometimes overcome -- their problems. It might not be comfortable for the parents, but it also might open them up to seeking appropriate help, which should be free from their school district if the child is of preschool age. Or the writer might get a brief but effective explanation of what is going on.

Also, if the child’s behavior is due only to parents ignoring the behavior, that is a form of neglect. If I were in that child’s state, I would be obligated as a professional to notify child protective services. Bottom line: Refraining from bringing up a problem like this can condemn a child to a lifetime of even bigger problems. Please, talk to the parents! More than a good night’s sleep is at stake! -- Speechie, Kenai, Alaska

DEAR SPEECHIE: Thank you for this note that reveals so much about what could be going on with that child. I appreciate you qualifying what medical or safety concerns there may be. I will add that bringing up such sensitive matters to parents who may be flustered by their child’s erratic behavior requires sensitivity and kindness in order to get them to listen.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband doesn’t care about holiday gifts and feels that it’s a racket that we all get gifts for each other every year. I agree that we shouldn’t go crazy with spending, but I grew up in a home where the holidays were important and gifts were a key part of that. We have young children, and I think it’s important to give them a few gifts under the tree. It’s always a battle with my husband. How can I get him to participate more actively with this moment of connection in our family? -- Scrooge, Arlington, Virginia

DEAR SCROOGE: Bring some depth to the moment. Perhaps that will help your husband. In my family, my 89-year-old mother leads us in prayer before anyone can open a present. She reminds us of the bounty of blessings in our lives and asks us to remember those who may have less than we do. This helps to give context to the moment.

Another thing my family does that you may want to consider is to adopt a family from my sister’s church and provide resources for them to have a healthy meal and gifts -- both practical and fun -- for the children. Your husband may appreciate the idea of supporting those in need at a time when some are enjoying excesses.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 20-year-old son has a 19-year-old girlfriend who is well-endowed and rarely wears a bra. She also wears low-cut clothing and often looks like she's about to fall out. The dress she was wearing the other night was so small on her that she could barely zip it up all the way, and a nipple was close to making an appearance. When she walked in the door, she looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, "I know this is a low-cut dress," as if she knew what my expectations are, but came looking like that anyway.

My son's girlfriend is going on vacation with us in three weeks. I don't want to seem prudish, but I do want to get through to her that this type of dress isn't appropriate for the places we'll be going and the people we'll be seeing. I'll be asking her before we leave if she has bras in her suitcase, and I am ready to leave her behind if she doesn't or make her go out and buy a few.

What else do I do? I don't want to alienate her, but how do I help her to understand that something that is fine when you're out clubbing is not fine when you're trying to make a good impression with your boyfriend's family? -- Appropriate Clothing, Atlanta

DEAR APPROPRIATE CLOTHING: At the very least, you can establish the rules of your home, which should also be the rules of traveling with you. Your situation reminds me of childhood. My father had many rules, including wardrobe guidelines, that everyone had to follow. Once, a boy with cornrows in his hair came to visit my sister. This occurred way before this style was a trend, and more as a way of setting an afro (making it an at-home style, in my father’s eyes). My dad told him to go home and do his hair before coming inside our house. He required all of us to dress up for Sunday dinner, which meant a dress for girls and a shirt, tie and jacket for boys. Strict? Yes. But we had to follow the rules.

Similarly, you can take this young woman aside and share your expectations about personal presentation. Tell her that you think her style of dress is too provocative and is unacceptable in your home. Be sure to tell your son how you feel and what you intend to say so that it comes as no surprise. You absolutely can put your foot down on this. Hopefully your son will recognize that your family values do matter.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the years, I have had a contentious relationship with my sister. Whenever we talk on the phone, I expect to have some friction or for her to belittle me in some way. So I always have my guard up when we begin to talk.

For the past few months, ever since the family got together for our mom’s birthday, she has been nice. I’m not quite sure how to react to it. There have been no barbs or mean comments. Do you think we have actually turned a corner? Part of me is afraid to relax. I don’t want to get my feelings hurt again. -- Turing Point, Los Angeles

DEAR TURNING POINT: Claim the positive. You are strong enough to let your guard down and see what happens. Assume that your sister sees the value in being kind to you -- finally. If she slips and shows her mean streak from time to time, point it out. Tell her you like the “new” her much better. Ask her to stay nice.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)