Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, my husband and I traveled across the country to visit our son and his family. Unfortunately, the visit was not a friendly one. My daughter-in-law made herself unavailable. She wasn’t rude, but she made sure she was never at home when we were there. She didn’t join us for dinners or activities. My son always made excuses.

Finally, my son told me that I had hurt her feelings. He explained that the first night we were there, I made a comment about how much weight I had gained. My daughter-in-law got mad because she assumed that I was actually talking about her. Honestly, I wasn't -- I have always had a weight problem, so I would never comment on someone else’s weight.

We have been invited to visit again and have bought the plane tickets. I am dreading it. What if I say something else that upsets her? I tend to go out of my way to greet her when speaking with my son, but visiting for a whole week is a long time to be neglected. She always seems to be on non-speaking terms with someone in her life -- family or neighbors. She is sensitive. How should I handle this? -- Lost Communication, Los Angeles

DEAR LOST COMMUNICATION: You may want to take on the role of elder in this situation and address the elephant in the room. When you arrive, greet your daughter-in-law warmly, and tell her how happy you are to see them again. Tell her and your son that you are looking forward to spending quality time together. In advance, tell her that you know you got off to a rocky start last year and that what you want most is for everyone to enjoy one another's company and for all to assume the positive.

From there, just be yourself. If tender moments occur, address them immediately. If you detect her creating distance between you, speak up and ask her if there is anything you can do to help make things easier.

DEAR HARRIETTE: About a year ago, I found out my husband borrowed $5,000 from our savings account and gave it to a female co-worker. When I asked where the money had gone, he lied to me. I recently found out the co-worker hasn’t repaid the money. She comes up with excuses, but has plenty of money to buy gifts for her grandchildren and new clothes for herself. When I reached out to her about it, she called human resources on my husband. He said no one at work likes her and she has a lot of personal problems.

Our marriage hasn’t been stable, and we need the money back. How do I get her to start paying us? I have reached the end of my rope, and my husband is no help. He gets mad whenever I ask about the money. Some advice, please? -- Show Me the Money, Milwaukee

DEAR SHOW ME THE MONEY: Sadly, this really is between your husband and his co-worker. Without something in writing that states what the agreement was, you can’t know all the details, nor do you have any protection against her. As difficult as this may be, you may never get that money back. Focus on your marriage and what you can do to address your issues. That is what is within your control.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I were invited to a holiday party with friends from our son’s previous school. The children are in 9th grade, and they will be reuniting at this event with their parents.

The host mom wrote to ask the parents if we would allow our children to have a toast of champagne at the party. With parents there, it will be controlled, she explained, and her son wants to make this offering. She asked us to get a sense of what we think. My husband and I agreed; we figure it’s better for our kid to try alcohol with us in the room. Most parents said yes -- for one glass. One parent said no, but said it would be OK for his kids to drink a soft drink at the same time. What do you think about this idea? -- The First Toast, Bronx, New York

DEAR THE FIRST TOAST: In theory, I like the idea. While I know that it is not legal for teenagers to buy alcohol, I think it is wise for parents to teach their children how to manage many situations firsthand. That includes alcohol consumption. Many teenagers will try alcohol at some point, often with their friends and without boundaries. To learn how to have a toast and make that enough could be a good example to set for them. What’s most important is for parents to talk to their children about alcohol and drugs and teach them how to be safe.

Your kids should learn never to take a glass of anything -- alcoholic or not -- without seeing it being poured. They should never pick up a glass after they have put it down and left it unattended. They should know that allowing them this one toast does not give them license to drink.

I think one toast with parental coaching around it can be a nice treat.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were invited to several New Year’s Eve parties, and he wants to go to all of them. I am tired. I have been working like crazy and would rather stay home and chill. I realize this is a big night, but I’m not up for party hopping. I am willing to go to one event. How can I get him to agree to this compromise? -- Not in a Party Mood, Annapolis, Maryland

DEAR NOT IN A PARTY MOOD: Remind your husband of the schedule you have been following of late, so that he understands you are not exaggerating your state of mind and body. Point out that you really want to stay at home and cuddle with him, but you are willing to go to one event as long as you don’t stay out all night. Ask him to meet you halfway. Assure him that you want to spend time with him on this special night, but you just don’t have the stamina to be a party girl.

If he sulks, consider liberating him to go and hang out on his own or with mutual friends. Don’t be mad, though. Instead, ask him to come home to share a toast with you at or near midnight.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I have no interest in body piercings (except our ears). However, our 50-year-old mother recently got her nipples pierced and has started wearing jewelry there -- UGH! Our parents divorced five years ago, and my mother's not in a relationship right now, so it’s not to impress a man. She claims she did it to feel good about herself. She takes off her top to show her girlfriends when they come over, and we can see them roll their eyes, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Now she has started showing off her piercings to our girlfriends. We find this beyond embarrassing. Our friends are polite to her face, but they laugh behind her back, and word about it has spread, which we find embarrassing. If she wants to make a fool of herself in front of her friends, that’s one thing, but we don’t think she has the right to embarrass us in front of our friends. What can we do? -- Nipple Ring Embarrassment, Phoenix, Arizona

DEAR NIPPLE RING EMBARRASSMENT: Your mother is likely experiencing her version of a midlife crisis. For some people, it manifests as a fancy new car or an affair with a younger person. Hers seems to be her nipple rings. It is often embarrassing for onlookers, especially loved ones.

Draw the line. Tell her that you can see that she is going through something important to her. But express that flashing her nipple rings, particularly before your friends, is crossing the line. Be direct. Explain that you find it embarrassing and inappropriate for her to reveal her breasts to your friends. Ask her to stop, or you will have to stop bringing your friends around her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Years ago, I found out that I was pregnant while away on vacation. I wanted to tell my mother in person, but I was so excited that I needed to tell someone, so I called my best friend and made her promise not to tell anyone. The next day, I got a call from my mother. She told me that my friend texted her and said I was pregnant. I was furious and called my friend and started yelling, cussing and calling her all sorts of names. We have since forgiven each other, but our relationship hasn’t fully recovered. This friend has lost a lot of friends because she can’t keep her mouth shut and has posted people’s business online. I’ve decided not to tell her anything I don’t want repeated, and now we don’t talk as much.

Five years later, I’m pregnant with my second child, and everyone knows -- except her. I’m visibly pregnant now, so if she sees me, she’ll know and be hurt that I didn’t tell her. Every time I think about telling her, I get angry again. What can I do to stop hurting, and how can I get my friend back? -- Pregnancy News, San Francisco

DEAR PREGNANCY NEWS: If keeping this information from your friend is truly bothering you, give her a call and tell her. Otherwise, focus on your pregnancy, and when you see her, you can both share the joy of the moment. If she expresses sadness for not having known, you can have a heart-to-heart where you explain that you have never fully gotten over her betrayal with the first baby.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)