Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is an A-student in her high school. She is conscientious about her work, and she helps a little bit around the house. In general, I think she is doing a good job. My concern is that this semester she comes home from school and wants to take a nap for at least an hour before starting her homework. She does get up and complete her work, but it worries me that she naps virtually every day. The only days she doesn’t nap are when she has her after-school clubs. If I want her to do her chores, which are minimal, she claims she’s tired. How do I reconcile letting her nap and making sure she has a well-balanced life? I think that studies, rest and responsibilities at home are all important. -- Napping Teen

DEAR NAPPING TEEN: Taking a nap before doing homework may be a great idea in that it gives your daughter a refresh from her full day at school. This could even be a contributor to her doing so well in school. According to the National Sleep Foundation, teens do need more sleep than adults. It’s best for them to have eight to 10 hours of sleep per night, but because of homework and other factors, they often sleep less. Taking a brief nap after school is considered to be an effective way for teens to fortify themselves. So, yes, your daughter’s nap is likely beneficial to her.

That doesn’t mean that she should get a pass on household chores. Since she is doing so well in school, create a chore schedule for her that is complementary to her overall schedule without taking too much time from her studies. Make sure she knows that chores are requirements, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is coming up, and I had the thought that I would have a small party. When I started to make a list, I realized that my life is pretty closed off these days. I can easily make a big event with people I know professionally, but when it comes to an intimate group of friends, I come up short. It’s making me feel sad that I don’t spend enough time with loved ones and I can’t even figure out who they are. Should I forgo the party? How can I figure out who my true friends are? -- Feeling Lonely

DEAR FEELING LONELY: Assessing the quality of your friendships is something you should probably do one-on-one over time. That evaluation requires spending time with folks.

For a celebratory get-together, it doesn’t have to be that deep. Make two lists -- one that includes professional and peripheral friends; the other that includes family and others that you call on in times of need. Examine your lists and choose who you would like to share your birthday with. It’s fine for that group to be a mix of both lists. On your special day, choose people you believe will be happy to celebrate you.

Separately, dig deeper to determine who deserves to be in your inner circle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to get married, and my 10-year-old daughter is not happy about it. I have finally found a man who wants to be my partner in life. He likes my daughter, too, but she is not kind to him. She is just a child, but she does not accept him at all. I know that it can be hard for kids to welcome stepparents, but I need my daughter to like my fiance. What can I say to her to help her to adjust to this change in our lives? -- Single Mom Marries

DEAR SINGLE MOM MARRIES: Slow down and make a plan with your fiance that includes your daughter. He needs to get to know her better and build a loving bond with her. She needs to witness that he is not trying to take you away from her. She needs clear evidence that his presence in your lives will bring value, not tear you away from her. Institute a weekly family night where the three of you do something together. It can be as simple as watching a movie, but make it an activity that you don’t miss. The more you can do to include your daughter in experiences with you and your fiance, the more likely it is that she will soften to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am proud of my siblings, and people from our hometown remind me all the time of how incredible they are. It’s also hard for me; I have not been as successful. I took another path and ended up in rehab, and it has taken me a long time to get my act together. I don’t want to be the bad seed, so to speak.

I am working to get my life together, but it’s hard when my siblings are overachievers. How can I stand up and represent myself as the man I am becoming when my siblings are superstars in their industries? -- Shrinking Violet

DEAR SHRINKING VIOLET: Being compared to your siblings can be hard no matter what your station in life. The fact that you have experienced some significant bumps in the road doesn’t help you right now. What you need to do is change your focus. Instead of thinking about what your siblings have accomplished, keep your lens turned on yourself. What are you doing to get to your next goal? How does it feel when you accomplish a task you give yourself? Keep a physical list of goals and completed tasks to help keep you on track. Celebrate your small victories. No need to brag about them. Fortify yourself by knowing that you are doing your best. Surround yourself with people who support you for the person you are.

When others laud your siblings, give them their due. Resist comparing yourself to them. Just acknowledge their good news and let that stand for itself. Don’t falsely believe that you have to attempt to one-up them at those pivotal moments.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend of six years and I broke up about a year ago. He said he needed to find himself and grow up. He never stopped texting me, though. A couple of months ago, he asked if we could get back together and try again. I love him, so I agreed to try. We spent time together over the holidays, and it was really nice. But then Valentine’s Day came and went. He didn’t even call. The next day, he called to ask my advice on an outfit he was going to wear to go out with friends -- without me.

Am I missing something here? If he’s trying to be in my good graces, don’t you think a simple call on Valentine’s Day would have been in order? I don’t know what he’s thinking about, but it doesn’t seem to be me. I’m not asking for much, and I don’t even mean to get caught up in a holiday like that, but I just feel like his absence is indicative of him not taking me seriously. Should I say anything? I’m tired of hoping for more and not getting it. -- Not My Valentine

DEAR NOT MY VALENTINE: You dated this man for a long time. You know him, and he knows you. After a breakup, if he is not stepping up his game and working hard to win you back, he doesn’t deserve to have you. One of the easiest things to do is to wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. Right or wrong, our culture screams it leading up to the day. That he missed it says he doesn’t have you top of mind -- especially if that is something you celebrated in the past. Though you say you love him, what you need to do is assess if he loves you the way you want to be loved. If not, it is time for you to walk away.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got a call from a family member who says she wants to visit me with about 10 other relatives this summer. Nice idea, I guess. Terrible timing, though. She wants to come at a time when my family and I are usually traveling. She didn’t ask, by the way. She informed me that they were coming and then listed the things they want to do while they are here. One good thing is that they don’t expect to stay with me. I have a small apartment and couldn’t possibly house all those people. But they do expect me to host them. I don’t want to do this. How can I squash it without dashing her dreams? -- Poorly Timed Trip

DEAR POORLY TIMED TRIP: Be honest with your relative. Tell her that you don’t plan to be in the city at the time that she and the others want to come. Offer to recommend things that they might do if they come anyway, but be clear that you will not be there.

If she really wants to organize the trip at a time when you will be available, have that conversation. Discuss her ideas and expectations. You will need to be direct and honest about what you can do to support this trip. Hosting a group of 10 or more people is a big job. Be crystal clear about what you are willing and able to do and what they would need to do on their own. Be mindful of cost and upfront about what you can afford. Having frank conversations on the front end will help mitigate concerns on the back end.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)