Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend refuses to send me intimate pictures. We don’t see each other much anymore because of school and our busy schedules, so I feel really neglected. I'm wondering if she even likes me anymore. I don’t want to pressure her, but I’m curious as to why she wouldn’t naturally want to send pictures. Do you think this is a sign of a bigger issue? -- Intimacy Issues

DEAR INTIMACY ISSUES: I’m sorry, but I agree 100% with your girlfriend. Too often, explicit photos shared between lovers end up in the wrong hands, and someone ends up paying a hefty price for the indiscretion. Even the most discreet recipient of said photos could have them in an unprotected space where someone else might access them.

Another reality check is that sometimes couples break up, and intimate photos get used as weapons. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I strongly caution you against pressuring her for photos. Let it be.

What you can do is talk more, video chat more and work harder on maintaining intimacy even at a distance. Get creative; “talk dirty” to each other over the phone. Without recording, use the video feature to allow yourselves to see each other scantily clad when you are talking. You can work to establish excitement and closeness in your busy schedules. Just don’t compromise your privacy as you do it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom will not make a doctor's appointment. I'm not even sure if she has a primary care physician. I’m frustrated by her disregard for her own well-being, as she is pushing 60. I don’t know how to keep pressure on her about making an appointment, and it’s frustrating for both of us. What should I do? -- See a Doctor

DEAR SEE A DOCTOR: Sit with your mother and have a heart-to-heart conversation. Ask her how she feels. Find out if she has aches and pains or physical concerns. Find out if she has health insurance. Ask if she has a long-term care policy. Encourage her to get a physical. Point out that it can serve as a baseline as she enters this new stage in life so that she can be aware of her physical health.

Offer to make an appointment for her and go with her. She may be nervous about seeing a doctor if she doesn’t usually go. Encourage her to take this step as a way of being proactive about her life. Assure her that you can be right there by her side so that she doesn’t have to feel alone or worried. Point out that anything she learns will be helpful.

She can use the information that she gets from a physical to direct her life -- how she eats, exercises and rests. Tell her you want her to live a long, healthy life, and you want to support her. You need her to get a checkup so that you can understand where she is and what she needs to be healthy.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A year ago, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I'm in my first year of master's studies, and he works in the service industry. He is heavily in debt from student loans. I am at a point where I do not know if getting married is the right decision. I am realizing that being with him (for the time being) won’t give me the financial freedom that I was accustomed to with my parents. I believe in my fiance, but sometimes I question when he will take the next step in his career. I don’t want him working service jobs for the rest of his life. Am I wrong for wanting to call off the engagement until we are both in a better position financially? -- Second Thoughts

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: For a marriage to work in the long term, the two of you have to be on the same page regarding values and goals. That doesn’t mean that you need to want to do the same things; it does mean that you need to talk about the future and agree on a path forward that makes both of you feel comfortable and in alignment. You have been together long enough to have a good sense of each other’s patterns, of your relationship to risk, of your level of ambition and of your dreams for your life.

What do you know about your fiance? Think about it. Be practical, not idealistic. Now focus the lens on yourself. What do you know about your own mind and what you want and need? Compare those two lists. Where are the points of intersection? Where are the points of divergence?

Talk about what you have discovered about yourselves. Be honest as you consider who you are as people and what you want in life. Be mindful not to judge each other. Just talk. This is important for you because as of now, you have been judging the type of work that he is doing. You don’t like that he works in the service industry. What does he like about it? Why is this his choice? If he were to stay in this field, what benefits would it bring him -- and you? Is he stable in his work, even if it isn’t high paying? Can it be complementary to what you do? Think hard about how you can make things work as they are. Be honest with each other about whether you are willing to stretch to grow together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine suggested that the reason I am having issues in my dating life is because of my physical appearance. He immediately backtracked with “I think you’re beautiful,” but it was too late. My ego and feelings were already completely shot. I don’t know how I can continue to be friends with someone who pretty much told me that my physical appearance (something that is largely out of my control) is the reason I am being treated poorly in relationships. Am I overreacting? Should I have appreciated the honesty? -- Harsh Words

DEAR HARSH WORDS: Before you write him off, tell him that his words hurt your feelings. Ask him what he meant. Though hard to hear, his insights could be valuable. What does he see? What about your physical presentation does he find off-putting? If it’s only about how your physical body and face look, that’s subjective and could mean that your physical appearance isn’t appealing to him personally. That’s perfectly fair and means you look for someone who wants more than certain physical attributes. If it’s your grooming, that’s something that can be addressed. Listen to learn what he really means, and decide if you care to refine your presentation in response to his comments.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love the music industry and have wanted to be involved in it since I was in high school. I finished college a couple of years ago and landed a dream job. I am working hard and climbing the ladder, and all is pretty good. I work for a small independent record label as a publicist.

The vice president of the record label is seriously considering signing my ex-boyfriend and making me his publicist. This is uncomfortable for me for several reasons, but I do not want to turn down any artist or any new work opportunity. My ex and I had a messy falling-out, and I didn’t plan on ever speaking to him again. What should I do? I need to be in good standing with the label. -- Awkward Situation

DEAR AWKWARD SITUATION: Put your professional hat on. If you are given your ex-boyfriend as a project to work on, approach him as you would any other client. Talk to him one on one and tell him that this is an opportunity for him to leverage his talent -- with your help -- but you both have to act professionally in order for it to work. Be strong. Establish ground rules with him for what a respectful working relationship looks like.

Also, tell your boss that you two used to date. You will not be able to pretend it away or hide it, so be proactive. Let your boss know the status of your relationship, your strategic plan for this project and the fact that you and your ex have discussed it. Tell your boss you may need him to reinforce your authority on occasion. Be sure to ask for his support when you need it. 

DEAR HARRITETTE: My daughter tore her ACL and will need surgery soon. She is a top student and always wants to do her best. She is not really an athlete -- at least not with professional aspirations -- but she has been serious enough about sports to try to make herself more appealing to colleges. Now, that part of her dream is wrecked. She is upset about what this injury means to her college prospects.

I am more scared of the painkillers that they will prescribe my daughter than the actual surgery. I have heard awful things about teens getting addicted to painkillers, and I would do almost anything to keep that from happening to her. Am I overreacting? I realize that there is really no way around her being prescribed those drugs. -- Scared Mother

DEAR SCARED MOTHER: Talk to your daughter’s doctor about treatment and pain management. Express your concerns about the possibility of opioid addiction. Ask about alternative pain management meds and about timelines for their safe usage. Talk to your daughter about your concerns and get her in alignment about how you can support her healing and her overall health. Monitor her meds and be certain to wean her from them per the doctor’s orders.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)