Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend has a weird habit of interrupting other people when they are talking. I’ve seen him do it to my friends a few times now, and I know it upsets them. It upsets me, too. He told me he does not do it on purpose. How do I get him to stop? Also, could this be a sign of a personality disorder? -- Interrupting BF

DEAR INTERRUPTING BF: It sounds like your boyfriend is not a good listener. Sadly, this is a common trait among many people, both male and female. People often like to hear themselves talk and use any opportunity to jump in and tell a story when they are in a conversation with others. Is it annoying? Of course it is! It clearly indicates that the person doesn’t really care what is currently being said.

What you can do is tell your boyfriend that his interrupting is rude and disconcerting, and you need him to start noticing it and stopping the behavior. Offer to help him see himself. You can create a signal that you send whenever he starts to interrupt others. It can be twitching your nose, pulling your ear or some other action that may get his attention. If he agrees, this may begin to help him be quiet before he completely takes over the conversation.

You can also jump in and interrupt him to say, “Just a minute. Let so-and-so finish what they had to say.” It could take that blunt call-out to get him to notice and keep the conversation flowing naturally rather than being hijacked by him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom told me she is relieved that my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, because she never liked her anyway. What she doesn't know is that we’ve actually started seeing each other again and are on the verge of reconciliation. How should I break this news to my mother? I almost don’t want to tell her that I’ve started seeing my ex again. -- Dating Secretly

DEAR DATING SECRETLY: Find out what your mom doesn’t like about your girlfriend. Listen carefully so that you have a sense of what bothers her. Even as you are getting back together, your mother’s wisdom may help you to make smarter choices and understand this woman better.

Don’t let too much time pass. In these early days, figure out if you and your girlfriend are serious about giving it another chance. Talk to her about why you broke up and what you think can be different now. Decide on a way forward that is conscious and intentional, not just convenient. If you think that the relationship is worth salvaging, inform your mother. Tell her that you are reconciling and that you are mindful of the past while being fully present in the here and now. Ask her to give the two of you a second chance with her blessing. By including your mother, you create space for solidarity rather than suspicion.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I send my nephew money whenever I can, and he never acknowledges it. I never get a thank you from him or his mother (my sister). I know that he needs the money, and I’m happy to send it, but I can’t understand why he won’t just say thank you. Should I stop? Should I ask my sister what’s going on? -- Ungrateful

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: Stop sending your nephew money. If you expect a thank you, which is perfectly natural, and he doesn’t bother to say it, stop giving him anything. Chances are, he will reach out to you to ask what’s going on. That will be the perfect opportunity to teach him some manners. The people in his life -- namely, his parents -- have not taught him well enough about the importance of closing the gratitude loop, of not assuming that a gift is deserved instead of treasured.

I have seen what we often call “spoiled children” who are so accustomed to being given whatever they want and need without question and end up taking even the grandest of gestures for granted rather than expressing the simple yet profound comment -- thank you. Your nephew needs to learn to acknowledge how much he appreciates your generosity. This should be done in the moment. Teach him. Teach his mom, too. 

DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine recently spent a few days with me while he was in town. I was worried about him because of his strange social media statuses and updates, so I was relieved to see him in person and hear that he’s doing well. On his final day in town, while I was driving him to the airport, he started to go on a strange and repetitive rant that reminded me very much of his bizarre social media posts. He was telling me about his persecution complex and how he feels that staying in one city for too long will ruin his life. I think he may be experiencing early signs of schizophrenia, but I'm not sure. What should I do? Should I suggest that he get help? I'm not sure that he would take my advice even if I did talk to him about it. -- Strange Behavior

DEAR STRANGE BEHAVIOR: I’m sorry you didn’t ask him about his social media postings when you were together, but it is not too late to talk to him. Follow up and thank him for coming to visit you. Tell him on your call that you noticed something strange about some of his social posts. Ask him what is going on. Add that you noticed him saying and doing some things in the car with you that made you concerned. Describe what you witnessed and ask him about it. Let him talk.

If you still think there may be some mental distress, suggest that he see a therapist to talk through the strange things that he seems to be experiencing. Do not label it, because you are not an expert, but do encourage him to seek help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is crowdfunding her trip to France when I know for a fact that she can afford it herself. She started a GoFundMe for her trip, claiming that she will be studying abroad. She has raised over $4,000 for her trip, although she told me she made $9,000 last month from brand sponsorships alone. I’m honestly losing some respect for her. Even if she can’t afford it, that’s such a tacky way to get to France. Should I keep my mouth shut or report her GoFundMe account? -- Friend Is a Scammer

DEAR FRIEND IS A SCAMMER: Stay out of it. Know your friend for who she is, and don’t fall prey to her scheme. If others ask you whether they should donate, you can say that you think she has what she needs. But leave it at that. Your friend may end up being a con artist. If that’s her destiny, you cannot stop it, but you also do not have to participate. You surely do not need to contact GoFundMe. Accepting money you don’t need is not illegal.

If your friend notices your standoffishness and asks you about it, tell her what you think of her fundraising activities. Otherwise, keep it to yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: During quarantine, I was so isolated that I fell out of touch with most of my friends. My parents did not let me go out with other people at all. It was tough. My friend group was small to begin with, and now I feel very alone. It is sad being an only child, being isolated and worrying about what will happen next when I have nobody to talk to. I will be back in school soon, and I’m kind of freaked out that I will have no friends to hang out with. What should I do? -- Friendless

DEAR FRIENDLESS: Before school starts, think about the people you used to hang out with. Can you think of one you might want to contact now? Starting with one person, you could start up a communication via social media or text. Maybe you can invite one person to hang out. If that feels comfortable, you can spend time again doing something fun outdoors.

You may also want to consider what clubs or extracurricular activities interest you in school. See if you can start to engage in any of those things now, in the summer. Also try to sign up for those activities once school starts again. Through shared interests, you may be able to make new friends. This is a hard period for many of us, but if you rely on your interests and passions, it should help you feel more comfortable drumming up new friendships. 

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)