Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I introduced two of my closest friends a few months ago. I was absolutely thrilled with how much they liked each other and how well everything was going. I thought it would be so nice to be able to regularly hang out with both of them at the same time. This morning I found out that the two of them have been hanging out without me and talking pretty regularly. I didn’t know that they were hanging out -- they have never once invited me out with them. I’m pretty upset about this. I have no problem with their growing friendship, but why do I have to be excluded? Am I right to be upset? -- Left Out

DEAR LEFT OUT: Friendships can be complicated. Too often that happens with friends of three, because it is common for two to connect more closely than all three as a unit. Yes, you can tell your friends that you are happy that they like each other -- as you knew they would -- but that it saddens you that they have excluded you from the covenant. Suggest that the three of you do something together sometimes.

Beyond that, there’s little you can do. You cannot force them to involve you in their regular conversations or get-togethers. You do not want to come off as desperate or jealous -- that will not attract them to you. It is natural for your feelings to be hurt given what you have just learned. But you are going to have to accept that this is how things are unfolding right now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend started dating a girl he knew through me. I don’t have any feelings for him whatsoever, but I don’t see a reason to be cordial with either of them. The girl insists on commenting on my Facebook pictures and leaving me nice messages. What is the most polite way to tell her that I want her to back off? -- Not My Friend

DEAR NOT MY FRIEND: Being cordial is a sign of basic respect. I think it’s fine to be a gracious, cordial person. What you do not have to be is a friend to either of them.

Love relationships are so often difficult to navigate -- especially after the fact. Some friends set rules around who can date whom. If you are close, the unwritten rule is that you don’t date your friend’s ex. If you just were friendly, the lines are not so clear. Sounds like you aren’t mad that they are dating; more, you don’t want to be a party to it at all. That’s fair.

She may feel uncomfortable that she’s dating your ex and is overcompensating for it by her sugary social media stalking. You can ignore her, unfriend her, block her or talk to her directly and ask her to back off. If you talk to her, don’t be mean. Be direct. It’s fine that she’s dating your ex, but you do not want to be a part of their lives. Ask her to stop engaging you on social.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m exhausted by my argumentative girlfriend. I genuinely believe that she likes to argue just for the sake of arguing. The other day, I told her my personal preference about a certain food, and she argued with me. Is this something that we could overcome? It’s getting to a point where I feel that I just have to keep my personal preferences and opinions to myself. -- Always Arguing

DEAR ALWAYS ARGUING: Do you know the saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them?” Well! It is likely that if your girlfriend argues about everything now, she will continue. It is not healthy in a relationship to keep your opinions to yourself. The whole idea of being in a relationship is so that you can share your thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams with another person. Shutting down will not work in the long run.

What you may want to do is some investigating. How did your girlfriend grow up? What was her family life like? Were there lots of arguments? Did arguing indicate engagement, even love? Your girlfriend may believe that her debating style is a sign of endearment, whereas you consider it annoying and agitating. Do your best to figure out why she argues incessantly. Once you have a good idea, you can approach her about it. Tell her what you have observed. Tell her how her constant arguing makes you feel. Ask her to tone it down.

Then observe if whatever compromise she can reach is enough for you to feel comfortable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am uncomfortable with the amount of work-related phone calls and text messages that I receive on my personal phone after hours. I don’t want anyone texting me after 5 p.m. unless it is urgent. I do not want to offend, but how can I be sure that this won’t happen to me in the future? What is the most polite way to ask work colleagues to leave me alone? -- After Hours

DEAR AFTER HOURS: Work-life balance virtually evaporated during quarantine. Office hours collapsed for many people when they started working from home. Creating boundaries around time became even harder than it was before. It is important to create limitations around your time that fall within reason of where you work.

I will venture to guess that a hard out at 5 p.m. is unrealistic in today’s working world unless you punch a clock. You may want to talk to your supervisor and colleagues. Suggest that unless something is urgent, you will handle it the next morning. Ask them to label texts as urgent if they expect an immediate reply.

Your challenge will be whether or not you can convince others to follow your recommendations. If you are the only one turning off your phone and you disrupt the workflow, that may negatively impact you and your team. But you may be willing to take a stand. If nobody speaks up, you will not be able to break the cycle of endless work at all hours of the day and night.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out to dinner with a couple my husband and I like a lot. We got dressed up, which was a lot of fun. But my friend had on such uncomfortably high heels that she could hardly walk. It was a nice evening, and we wanted to stroll a little bit, but honestly, she could hardly go 10 steps without complaining. Don’t get me wrong -- I love fashion, and it’s so much fun to dress up, especially now when we have been cooped up in the house for so long. But it seems stupid to me to wear shoes that you can’t walk in at all. I didn’t do that when I was a teenager, and I’m surely not going to start doing it now.

We ended up not being able to take our little stroll. Our date night ended fairly abruptly because all my friend could do was stand on the corner while her husband went to get the car. What’s worse is she didn’t think there was anything wrong with her being unable to walk. I thought it was ridiculous. I guess she could see the expression on my face, because she rolled her eyes and didn’t talk to me anymore. What do I even do with that? Should I call her? What in the world would I say? I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but the whole thing was just absurd. -- Too High

DEAR TOO HIGH: Leave this one alone. Your friend realized that she put herself in an awkward situation. She doesn’t need you to remind her of that. I love fashion, too, but it sounds like this woman took it a bit far. A solution for anyone who just really wants to wear that fancy heel on date night is to bring along a tiny pair of flats. That way you can still walk around freely when necessary.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, my husband and I have been hanging out with two other couples. Unfortunately, we have figured out that we cannot afford to hang with them. They are high rollers -- for real. They drive luxury sports cars, drink expensive champagne and go out regularly on extremely expensive dates. We went out with them once, and they picked up the tab, so I didn’t even think about how much it cost.

Last weekend we went out and agreed to split the bill. Our share was nearly $1,000. Nuh-uh. We do not have it like that -- at all. How can we stay friends with these people if we cannot afford to spend time with them? -- Too Rich for My Blood

DEAR TOO RICH FOR MY BLOOD: You can handle this in one of two ways. You can stop going out with them and instead invite them to do things at home, where you can manage the expenses. You can invite them over for dinner or cocktails on occasion.

You can also be straight with them. Tell them how much you enjoy their company, but you cannot afford to hang the way they do. Agree that you will see each other occasionally -- and that’s that. There’s no need for you to feel bad that you cannot afford the extravagances that are their everyday lives. As long as you are comfortable in your own skin, you are good.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)